Scars

Was surprised today, not in a good way, and totally random. This June it will be 30 years since my soul mate passed, 30 fucking years. So why today, and my brain is spinning with WTFs. 

Sure it's Valentines Day, big deal, means nothing to me, never really has. I never had a proper Valentines until I met Don. No boyfriends making grand gestures, no ex husband doing anything but forgetting what day it was. I may have gotten a bunch of flowers a couple of times, but that was it. With Don, it was different, he was a huge romantic, and ended up with me, who was the opposite, and thought it was just another day. Strange how life works. 

I still have the gorilla he gave me for our first Valentines, and the weird rabbit he got me for our last from the 7-11 lol. I remember vividly the delivery lady turning up with this basket containing the gorilla, flowers and a pair of see through lacy knickers in a little bottle. She had a huge smile on her face as she handed it over, and I was beyond embarrassed. This was a first for me, had never happened before, and I had no idea how I was supposed to react, and there was the fact I hadn't gotten him anything. To say it was completely alien to me, probably sounds strange, but that was my life before Don. 

I have a gorgeous bracelet, delicate lacy gold, that he got me another year. I don't wear it, not anymore, mostly cause it's impossible to do the fuckers up with one hand. But I keep it, safe with all the other things he gave me, with all his love. 

So why today, almost 30 years later, after life has moved on, after growing older, have I suddenly found it impossible to just sit there and read a valentines message without getting all teary and wondering what if? Even now, as I type, I'm tearing up, it's fucking ridiculous. 

Life has moved on, I no longer expect him to pull up on the Harley, or with his brother in law after work. The kids have all moved out, had kids of their own, well except for 1 lol. I'm older than he ever had a hope of being, and yet, here I sit, tearing up. Life can be a real mother fucker at times. 

Maybe it's because so much has been going on the last few years, I haven't really had time to bring up those memories, like I used. It's always easy to remember him, but when your brain is full of other shit, and your heart is aching over a different pain, then something has to get pushed to the side. Something has to sit on the side lines while you deal with all the other shit going on. I thought I was over this, I guess you really don't ever get over the loss, but surely the pain, after 30 years at least, shouldn't cripple you, just because of a certain day on the calendar. 

As I said, life has moved on, as it does and as it should. The flashbacks are less frequent, and more about remembering how great it was, the good times, and the fun times, rather than the loss itself. That last memory of his last night, down to the last fucking detail. Although that is still there, it's easier and easier to just skip over it, push it back down, and remember something funny that happened, or how his eyes would sparkle when he told some story about a customer at work. How he would laugh and laugh at the most random things, and how you couldn't help but laugh right along with him. So today, today has been fucked. I didn't want this, I don't need it, and it can fuck right off again.

Time heals all wounds they say, well, no time doesn't heal all wounds. Time can slap on a band aid, it can set a split, but the wounds are there, scars on your very self. Slap some makeup over them, and no one knows, but they are there, and there they remain. 

Catch yas

Cathy

Police State?

 

It was with great trepidation that I decided to head out and do some shopping, for me and for Xmas. I'd put it off too long, and what with having to obey the instructions for isolating at home from the government, I hadn't ventured outside my drive way for what felt like years. (I last went out on Thursday after work, but whatever.)

I walked out the door, looking around for guns trained on me, looking at my chest for that tell tale red dot, but nothing, so I scampered down the stairs to my car. I breathed a sigh of relief when I made it, locking the doors behind me. (no I didn't really lock the doors). I couldn't see anyone else out and about so I backed slowly up the driveway, only to see my neighbour crossing the road with a pair of secateurs in hand. I trembled, but continued as he wasn't running and shouting at me. He stopped me at the top of the driveway and I expected him to point his weapon at me and threaten me. Instead he greeted me, and said he was going to mow my lawn and do a bit of trimming for me. What a relief, I sure as shit don't want to be killed while idling in the car. 

I drove up the road, and spotted no cars, but as I turned the corner, there was another brave soul, venturing out. I expected they were just as scared as I was, both of us with a death grip on our steering wheels, huddled low in our seats. 

As I continued on my journey, I noticed people walking, not in groups of one, but in 2's and 3's, and families, taking the kids out for a ride on their bikes. Dogs being walked, people washing cars, or mowing lawns. I couldn't believe it, after all, America was set to invade to set us free from the tyranny we lived with. I joined the stream of cars heading down the mountain, thinking that at any moment a black hawk would drop in front of us and start firing, but we made it down alive. I kept an ear out for that tell tale thump thump of a chopper. 

I drove closer to the edge of my LGA, expecting the stream of cars to slow and stop while we passed through a check point into the neighbouring LGA, but there was nothing, just some idiot unable to do the speed limit. Well surely, there would be a checkpoint before we were allowed across the river, but no, again I was surprised to see that apart from traffic lights, nothing stopped me. I refused to be lulled into a false sense of security though, we've all seen the videos, the tik toks, and for fucks sake, Candace Owens was calling for the invasion, how could she possibly get it wrong? 

Reaching the car park, I followed a line of cars in and started searching for a parking space. I had to drive up 4 levels before finding anything, the car park is only 5 levels (at least that part is). Letting out a deep breath I turned off the car and looked around before getting out. Grabbed my mask, phone and wallet, then to the boot for a couple of shopping bags. Laughter rang out as a toddler in a stroller went into hysterics at the antics of their mother and father. Had to be the military in disguise, they'd even stolen a child to make their cover more real. 

Again, I checked for red dots, but on finding nothing walked into the plaza, only to be greeted by crowds upon crowds of people. People just like me, masks on, shopping bags in hand, doing ordinary everyday things. I couldn't believe my eyes, surely I was hallucinating it all. I was probably strapped to a gurney in an underground lab with everyone else, being kept in a coma as I was experimented on by my government? 

I headed towards Big W, and was stopped by a line, uh huh, here we go I thought to myself, but again I was wrong, it was just a line of people checking in with their smart phones, being greeted by a masked Big W employee. Sigh, how could this be? How could all those tik toks and videos be so very wrong, how could Candace be wrong?

Well folks, I did spend 15 minutes in a queue, there was no social distancing, just a queue of people with shopping, just like me, masked and waiting to get to the check outs. So much for a Police State lol. I have a hard time going out in crowds, don't like them, never will, but I braved it and survived without being arrested or confined by the military. In fact, I didn't see a single police car the whole time I was out. No military or police, walking the Plaza, unless they were in civvies and out and about with their families. 

The worst part of my trip, was the crowds, and I admit my mask is uncomfortable, but I will continue to wear it. If I can help protect one person, out of all those that were there today, then I'll be a happy camper. So, put away your guns, stow those invasion plans, turn off the jets and choppers, we are fine. In fact we are better than fine. I know there are people who have lost their jobs, some have lost their homes, but we are not living in a country that needs any help from America or anywhere else. Look after your own people, the hundreds of thousands that have died in your own country. But if you must keep pushing on with the plans, please share them on FB, we Aussies are having a hell of a good laugh at them all lol. 

Catch yas

Cathy

Do Not Speak for Me

 

Firstly I'm just going to say FUCK COVID. It's not the first time I've said it and I'm sure it won't be the last, and here's another one FUCK COVID DENIERS. Fuck the protesters, Fuck the refusing to wear a mask crowd (that does not include those with a medical exemption), Fuck the anti vaxxers, Fuck those that refuse the vaccine for no medical reason, FUCK THEM ALL TO HELL AND BACK. 

Regardless of what the recent protesters are trying to say, they do not march for all, they are not fighting for our freedoms, they are simply uncaring fuckers who care only for themselves. They carry signs about their rights to march and free speech, yada yada yada, and they have that right, under normal circumstances. The Public Health Act trumps those rights, and yet all these sheep, sit down in front of the PCs and are suddenly all lawyers and scientists. They hit on one thing, and stop, they don't continue to do research, they just stop and jump on the band wagon of some covid denier or some one who says the Government is taking away their rights, and bam, suddenly the rest of us are sheep, while these cult wannabes go about destroying the freedoms of the rest of us. Yep, the rest of us, who follow the rules because we don't want our family, our neighbours, our friends, fucking dying!!!!

They call those of us following the rules, sheep, because we follow the rules. We are actually law abiding citizens, we aren't the ones being herded down the black web by some random idiot on Instagram, Twitter, FB, or You Tube. No gorgeous model, male or female, is going to tell me to trust them, and not the medical profession. I'm not going to bitch about Doctors and how they don't tell me what to do, or how they work for big Pharma, and then go find some fucking holistic creep, who sells me a bunch of oils that make me smell like I've been soaking in 10 mth old piss. Although that is one way to get people to social distance, but I digress. I'm not going to follow someone who calls himself a doctor, despite being stripped of his medical license.

Like many others, I'm overwhelmed, my brain is fried, I'm angry, I've had enough, I'm depressed, I want to scream, I want to punch someone, I just want my life back, and I cry constantly. But unlike some people, I will do everything in my power to get my life back, I will wear a mask, I will practice social distancing, I'll stay home, I'll only shop for essentials, I'll miss my family, I'll get vaccinated, and I'll continue to cry. I want nothing more than to jump in my car, and have a catch up with family, or just go on a simple drive, not stopping anywhere or visiting someone, just drive, but I can't and I won't disobey the law. 

Don't come at me with your bullshit about how many people who have been vaxxed have died, I can come back at you with much higher figures of people who have died from Covid. People who have died alone, struggling to breathe, while their family can do nothing but wait for that phone call. Don't come at me with your bullshit, about, it's just an engagement party, we have the right to celebrate, well I have the right to think you are a total fucking idiot, who let infected people socialise and spread Covid. We should sue you all for infringing on our rights, and donate the winnings to research for a cure, because we know there isn't a cure, just a preventative really. Don't come at me with crap about me still being able to get Covid, do you think I'm a fucking idiot, and didn't read everything I could about the vaccine? I know that I could still get Covid, but unlike you, I also know that the chances of me ending up stuck on a ventilator because of Covid, are very slim. Of course there's also the fact, that I stay at home, and am less likely to either get Covid, or spread it. 

So, to all you protesters, you don't speak for me, you are not protecting me, you are not fighting for my freedom. You are in fact, having a tantrum, like a fucking 2 yr old. You are the reason we continue to have horrific numbers of covid cases, you are the reason we are still stuck at home, and unable to live our normal lives. (Side note: those of you who may not go out and march, but still refuse to follow the Public Health laws are considered protesters) Do I think the Government fucked up, damn straight I do. But that doesn't mean I won't do everything in my power to set this country to rights again, to get us all back working, and hanging out with friends and family. 

Just want to add, to anyone who is feeling depressed and overwhelmed, please reach out to someone, there is counselling available in all countries over the phone, people who will happily talk to you. You may feel alone, but please remember you aren't, we are all in this together, no matter what part of the world we live in. 

Catch yas 

Cathy

Dad

 

My Dad died on the 2nd June 2021, his funeral was yesterday, 10th June 2021.     

Before his funeral, his partner Lyn, sent us a missive written by Dad when he was 76. It was hard to read, but at the same time, a must read. I now have so much more understanding of why he was the father and man he was. 

We learnt so many things about him, that we had no idea about, simple things like the fact he was a Scout Leader in 1958, the year the first of us was born, so no surprise we didn't know. The fact that he was in the Blaxland Progress Association, I didn't even know there was one lol. But the biggest thing was about his childhood, how he and his sister grew up after their mother died so young. 

It explained so much about why he was who he was, why he acted the way he did. Any one that thinks you aren't a product of your childhood is mistaken. I'm not saying that if you were abused, you'll be an abuser, but there is going to be something that shapes us. If we were abused, it's a choice to turn around and do the same or to be completely different. Dad wasn't abused by the way, at least not physically, but I think in a way he was abused mentally. The world was a different place, WW2 came when he was a child, his widowed father wanted to do his bit, and did, but it meant his children had to live with relatives. And that they were split up in the end, meaning that when they tried to connect later in life, they were worlds apart. Don't get me wrong, Dad loved his sister Janice, as did we all, but there was never the bond that he wished they'd had.     

He lived all over the place, I'm not going to list them, and I believe because of that, he preferred the peace of his own company, instead of hunting out people to converse with and form relationships with. He couldn't relate to many because his life was so different.  When he became a father, he had no reference point. He had no idea what was expected of him, as he hadn't been properly fathered himself. When his Dad returned to his life, and Dad moved back in with him, Dad was already 12, a very independent 12. He had a Dad that didn't know how to be a Dad and he didn't know how to be a son. 

Probably because of all the women he and his sister lived with, he became somewhat of a feminist. Which worked out great since Mum was very much a feminist, no man was going to tell her she couldn't work lol. When I came along, he was not going to be the sort of man to keep his daughter locked up and relying on a man. But, at the same time, as I grew up, and became the rebel daughter, I'd catch glimpses of the chauvinist in him. If I came home late from a friends, I was questioned relentlessly, and yet my brothers could do the same, and there was no issue. The boys had outside chores, mine were all confined to the house. I was encouraged to learn to drive, to get a job, and even bought my first car of him. He never told me or made me feel, that I was less than my brothers in all the ways that count. 

He was not demonstrative, but we knew we were loved. I don't think he knew how to be demonstrative with us, and that hurts me to the core. But I have a better understanding of it, now I know more about how he was shaped. He talked about how he 'abandoned' Mum, his word not mine. I feel that he judged himself harshly with that word. Not saying he didn't leave her and that he broke all our hearts, but she wasn't left penniless on the street with 3 kids to care for. He left her, yes, but he left a strong woman that grew and didn't wither away and die without a man to protect her. There is still feelings of resentment there for his action, but I think it's more the fact that when Mum developed Alzheimers, it was supposed to be the man who'd promised to love and honour her caring for her, not her children. I, for one deeply resented him for that, but I still loved him regardless. 

My feelings have been all over the place as I've read his words and learnt so much about him. Hearing the words of others at his funeral also shaped a picture of someone I didn't even know. He wrote about my leaving my ex husband, and his belief that I was keeping the girls from their father. That hurt me, the fact that he thought that I would or could even do something like that, was like being stabbed in the heart. For the record, I didn't stop him from seeing his kids, he chose to stop seeing them. Didn't even tell me, just didn't turn up to pick them up, and didn't answer his phone. He left it up to a friend of mine to tell me Who the fuck does that sort of shit. But his words were written 9 years ago, I would like to believe that he had learnt the truth from my musings, at the very least. 

Regardless of how we were as kids, or how Dad was, we knew he was proud of us. We connected better as adults than we ever did when we were younger, and that makes me sad, but it is what it is, there is no going back. He loved his children, grandchildren and great grandchildren with a passion. He'd play games with them, listen to their tales, and watch them play with delight, they are his legacy. He may not have been able to parent as he should have, but he was a wonder to watch when playing with the grandkids and great grandkids. 

I'm happy that he had 40 wonderful years with Lyn, and that he turned into the man he may have been if he'd had the chance when younger. I'm glad he was loved, and had someone by his side while he dealt with the 11 years of cancer. And I'm glad he had barely any pain that whole time, and that he only had to spend 24 hrs in palliative care before he left this world. I will miss him for as long as I live, but shall celebrate the fact he went as quickly as he wanted, and lived his life to the fullest, right up until that end. 

My cousin and I, imagine that he is with his Mum, Dad and sister Janice, maybe sitting around a table and getting to know each other, as they should have been able to, all those years ago. 

A chapter has closed, a new one will begin. Love ya Dad 💓

'The Reaper comes for us all when he is ready. There is no extension of time, or pleas that will turn him from our door. He does not listen when we say we aren't ready, that we need more time to tell someone we love them, he doesn't care. Spend your lives wisely, enjoy, live, love, laugh and cry. Be sure those you leave behind, know about you, open yourself to them, they won't turn away, they will embrace your honesty and love.'

Catch yas

Cathy

Life in the Twilight Zone - Help I'm turning into my Mother

 

Maybe not, but lately I've been noticing stuff I'm doing or thinking that takes me back to Mum's house lol. 

I was looking for something appetising in the pantry and thought, oh a cup of soup would be great, putt out 5 boxes, unopened, every single one of them had expired. Chucked them all in the bin, but had a sigh of relief at the thought that they were only a year expired, not 5 like some of Mums lol. 

Ares, will get restless and open up my kitchen dresser, and drag things out that he then proceeds to push under the dresser. Little shit that he is. That means I have to get down on hands and knees to try and get them out, and I'm not as young as I used to be, getting down isn't so bad, it's getting back up that's a killer. I started going through solutions, like kids locks (actually still had a couple but got rid of them a while ago) and hit on, a basket to put in the cupboard and hold everything that he drags out. 

I started planning a trip to buy some, then stopped in my tracks. Mum had little storage baskets all over the damn place, mostly where they weren't needed, and all those that weren't sold at the garage sale, had to be donated or thrown out, depending on the condition of them. Mostly they were thrown out cause they were broken, but when she'd replaced, she didn't replace. Just kept using the broken ones, and found something else to shove into the new ones. 

Hence, am I turning into my Mother lol. At that horrifying thought a clean out ensued. I don't want anyone to have to come into my house and be as horrified as I was when faced with the crap Mum had. Pantry and fridge all clean, cupboards gone through to ensure nothing was there that I didn't actually use or need. Bin filling up lol. I then attacked my wardrobe, got rid of 3 bags of stuff I don't wear, and won't wear again. That all got donated. I don't have a lot of shoes, but I went through them as well, actually found a pair of boots that I love but had forgotten about and was even looking at buying some new ones exactly the same lol. 

As to the stuff in the dresser, I did find a container that I can use, I'm pretty sure it was one of Mums, eeekkkk, but it will work, and it means I didn't go out and buy something like she would lol. 

I realised that I make a conscience effort not to hoard like she did. I get a jar, wash it out and recycle, rubber bands, see ya, don't wear those clothes anymore, they are off to donation, anything broken, it's thrown out cause lets face it, I'm never going to fix the fucker lol. I've been watching a few episodes of hoarders, mind boggling shit, and Mum was never that bad that you had to make a path through piles and piles of crap. Everything she hoarded had a place, and nothing exploded or fell down. She didn't have mice or rats, or cockroaches, just crap, saved neatly and cleanly but crap none the less. 

Oh, the coat hangers, forgot the coat hangers lol. Every time she bought something, she bought it with a hanger, those cheap plastic crap ones. She had hundreds of hangers, probably thousands, and no clothes to go on them. So they all went as well. I never bring hangers home with clothes I buy, and I'll get rid of something old when replacing it with something new. In a way, I guess, I have her to thank for it. Mind you I have a collection of every single card I've ever gotten, going back to the cards from when I was born lol. But they are neatly boxed up and stored away, and if I miss one it's not a big deal. 

I also have a box with some memorabilia for my son from his Dad. He never got to know him, so it's a fun thing for him to have just to get a glimpse into his Dad's life. Again that is all just in a box stored away with the cards. And there's another of stuff I just like as memories, some old school books, old school tie etc. So 3 boxes of stuff, and they are small boxes, not big ones. I do have a lot of photo albums, and loose photos. They are mostly Mum's, her history, and her families history, stuff I don't want my kids or their kids to forget about. The grandkids love looking through them, cracks them up lol. The more I go on, the bigger the load of crap I have lol. I do regularly sort through it though, and chuck stuff out. I don't save shit, for shits sake, like Mum did. I mean, a rubber band jar that was her mothers? Seriously, that got chucked as soon as I started cleaning lol. 

I'm going to stop now, need to do some more clearing out, now that I've typed out all the crap I have, it needs culling lol. 

Catch yas

Cathy

Life in the Twilight Zone - Are you my mother?

 

Worst visit ever!!!!

I had to cut my visit short this week, while I think I'm strong and can handle anything life throws at me, today was just too much for me. I need time to absorb and recharge, time to get back to normal as the tough bitch I am.     

First, stupid covid, masks back on inside, and as per email received could visit in their room or in the small courtyard outside. I opted for courtyard cause, hello, outside. A couple of other visitors did the same, although the nurse tried to tell us we couldn't, we both quoted the email we'd received to say we couldn't. We social distanced, we masked up, we weren't hugging or anything. So sitting there chatting and some registrar or whatever comes out and says, as per out email, blah blah only visiting in rooms. So I said, sorry, but that's not what my emails says, and the other visitors actually had a copy of the email sent, so we sent him on his way. Lets be honest here, in the courtyard, there was 2 residents, and 3 visitors, not all sitting together, and there was room for many more even if they were social distancing. Anyway, he goes off after seeing the copy of the email, leaving us alone, but he wasn't done. Comes back with his copy and because it was sent after ours, he announces that his supersedes ours. Okay, whatever, I should have printed off my email, as it was actually dated after his, but yes sir, no sir, 3 bags full sir. 

Let me just go back to being outside, first. So we are chatting away, Mum asking where her parents are, and when is her aunt coming back to visit (all dead for years) and I filled her in, yet again on their deaths, and she was, "Oh, wish I'd gotten to go to the funerals" which led to me telling her she did lol. I then had to tell her about her cousins who'd died, one had died well before she moved into the home, the other, just after. 

"But they were so young." she exclaimed

"Yes, your generation, but they didn't live to the same age as you, 85."

"Who's 85?"

"You are Mum."

"Oh, so my Mum is 85?"

"No, you are."

"But aren't you my sister?"

And that was it, heart fucking breaking, so loud I'm sure all of Australia at least heard it. Determinedly I soldiered on. 

"No, I'm Cathy, your daughter." 

"Oh, am I going home, I miss seeing my kids?"

"Mum, sorry, but this is your home now. I'm your daughter."

It's hard to be sure, but I don't think she got it. She asked again about going home to see her kids, and again I told her this is her home. Then she moved on and started talking about how her father was building her a house.

"Dad is going to build over behind that orange building, he has a block of land there that he bought with some of the money he got for inventing the car lift thing. You know, the thing that you put cars on so you can work under them."

"Car hoist?"

"Yes, that's it, so the rest of the money he'll use to build me a house, so I can live there. How long will that take? Can I go home yet." 

I know Eddie (my grandfather) was a tinkerer and invented a few things that he never took out patents on, but pretty sure car hoist wasn't one of them. 

It was at that point in our convo that the registrar dude returned to rain on our parade. So off we went to Mum's room. 

I shouldn't be surprised when I go in there, but each time I do, it's gut wrenching. The photos that we'd taken back out of drawers, last visit, were back in them. The bathroom stuff was all sitting in a bag on her dresser, presumably so it was ready to take. 

"I've started packing, because I'm going home."

"Mum, no, you aren't going home."

"Why? I need to be with my family. Who am I married to again.?"

"You're divorced Mum, but you were married to Neville."

"Is he dead? You'd think he'd visit if he wasn't dead."

"No, Mum he's not dead."

"Well, I need to be home, I know the kids will have school and I haven't taught for a long time, but we'll work it out."

As I unpacked and put away, toothbrush and toothpaste number 5 (that's how many of each she has not a brand) I struggled. I wanted to cry, but I felt angry, I was feeling angry at her, and that is not right. She doesn't deserve my anger, I knew that I couldn't just put all the shit away, and all the photos back, and then sit down for a chat. I had to finish up and go home. 

I tidied her room, put everything back, told her that no I didn't want a stuffed animal to take home. And walked her out to the dining room where they were setting up coffee and biscuits for the residents. She tried to walk out with me, and I told her she wasn't allowed, and that she should go and sit down. Even though she protested, she had her eyes on the prize, that's coffee and biscuits to the rest of us. 

I punched in the code to get out, and ripped off the fucking mask so I could breathe. I can breathe with one on, but when you are hanging on by a thread, you need to be able to take big calming breaths, and that's not possible for me in a mask. I sat in the car and just cried, Alzheimer's is the fucking worst thing in the world. At least to me. You are fine physically, but the mind has just gone. the person still looks the same, but the person you knew is gone. And they aren't ever coming back. 

As I sat there, I realised something else, while she smiled at me, when I walked in, there was no sign of recognition. She smiled because I smiled, and headed for her, she didn't know who I was, and not once did she call me by name, despite me calling her Mum, over and over. To her I was a nice person visiting with chocolate and cake lol. The total cruelty of this disease is that next time I visit, she'll probably be completely different. She'll know who I am, at least. I know times like this will get more frequent, until this will be the day to day reality. She'll stop asking about going home, she'll forget even her Mum and Dad, she may welcome a visit, but it will be a stranger visiting. But I'll continue to visit. I did make a decision after my last visit, not to push myself into going every weekend. Yeh, yeh, terrible daughter, blah blah, shut the fuck up. I'm no good to either of us, if I push myself beyond what I can endure, so this is me, doing what I have to, so that I can be there for her, whether she knows me, or not. 

Catch yas

Cathy

Life in the Twilight Zone - Open for Business

 

It might not seem like much to some, but today was the first day I've seen Mum in about 13 mths, fuck Covid. Saying hi over the phone, isn't the same, she's been confused on phones for ages and ages, so that's never easy, and doesn't give me any idea on how she really is lol. Knowing that she is healthy, and being looked after, doesn't beat the actual contact, the hug, the smiles, the laughter. But today was the day. 

Once I found out restrictions were lifted it was, hooray, for about 5 minutes. Then the trepidation set in. She has Alzheimers, will she remember me, what if I get there and they say, no sorry, you can't see her, what if the vaccination had some sort of effect on her, what if she does remember me and yells at me for being away so long? Out of every thought that was forming in my brain and oozing out fear and anxiety, the worst one was if she didn't remember me, that thought was almost crippling. 

Anyone who has been around someone with Alzheimers knows how quickly they can forget those they love, especially if they don't see them routinely. But, I'm happy to say, that apparently she has been looking forward to me visiting again, as per comments from staff lol. 

Were there any changes? Well she is a year older, 85, now, so there is some due to age, I noticed her eyebrows are a lot whiter lol. She still has the relatively wrinkle free skin that seems to be the thing for women in her family, fingers crossed she's passed that on lol. She's more accustomed to her wheely walker. Before it was always, "Oh, I have to have that, they make me." almost complaining about it. Now she just got it and used it, no comments, although she is slower with it than she was. But again, she's older, and she isn't getting out and about walking. 

She didn't have makeup on, now that to anyone who knows her was a bit of a shock, but I have to say, I liked it. I'm not a makeup wearer, at least not without bitching about it, hate the stuff, but Mum wouldn't go to the shops without it, and insisted on wearing it everyday since she's been in the home. Not having the access to me with the restrictions in place may have helped relax her makeup addiction, I wasn't buying any for her lol. She still has some, not a lot, left, but to me, the fact she didn't have any on, indicates she's relaxed enough there, not to have to wear it. It's going to save her a lot of money too.

I bought a few basic items for her, toothpaste, deodorant etc, so we ventured into her room to put them away. Also, Tara hadn't seen her room, so she wanted to take a look. Had anything changed, nope. She still had a million and one stuffed animals, no freaking idea why she buys them, cluttering up the top of her chest of drawers. All her photos had been packed away, she still seems to think she's only there for a visit, and random items were in drawers and other things. She told me she needed toothpaste, she had 2 tubes along with 2 toothbrushes in her jewellery box. Since I had bought toothpaste, she now has 3 tubes, all in the bathroom now, but they could be anywhere when I visit next time. 

She has limited hanging space, so I always fold jumpers, and track pants, and they go in the drawers she has, all labelled. Most of the drawers were empty, so she has them all hanging up again lol. Still no sign of the TV remote, but she didn't tell me someone had stolen it this time, so I'll have to get a universal remote for her. Not that she's in her room much anyway, but I'd like her to be able to turn it on for the noise when she's in her room. 

She still seems to think that her Mum and Dad are still alive, and today talked about her Aunty Glad and her family that have apparently been staying in different sections of the Nursing Home. They are obviously there for a break, because she did say they didn't stay long lol. She also mentioned her surprise when they arrived, marching hand in hand in height order, and she laughed at how delightful it was. The whole thing sounded scripted to me, and bugged me until I remembered later that she was reliving a scene from The Sound Of Music lol. There was also a little boy that kept asking her if she was his mother, and she said she laughed at him, and told him that she'd help him find her. Pretty sure that's from her head, cause no little kid would think this old lady was their mother lol. 

But all in all, she's the same. Her memory is worse, but that's expected, she did know us, so that was a plus, and she mentioned the kids, and how she'd love to see them. Tara will organise for her kids to see her, and next family thing we do, we can pick Mum up and she can come along. I have to say how grateful I am that Tara was able to come with me, she'd obviously picked up on how nervous I was. But now I've done the first face to face, was able to give her a hug without her screaming at me like a stranger, I'll be able to continue the visits. 

I'm not sure if I will go weekly or fortnightly, I say that, because I've realised how much the weekly visits effect my mental health, and that isn't good for me or her. But at the same time, if I don't go weekly, I'll probably feel guilty lol. So I'm going to play it by ear, I can either see her or not, simple. 

Catch yas

Cathy

PS, I did take one of the photos with me, it's a photo of Caryn and her ex hehehe. Will have to find a new one to put in the beautiful frame.