I work in a business taking bookings, so I see a lot of strange names, and I can't help but think What the Hell were your parents thinking? It's not just the strange first name that would of led to a lifetime of torture at school, but the spellings of names from so called cool parents who just want something different. They might as well call their kids doorknob, at least they won't have to tell everyone how to spell it. And you can just see these kids coming of age and rushing down to change it by deed poll.
Of course there's also the first names that are the same or similar to the surname, John Johnson, Jack Jackson or John Johns, for shits sake people get an imagination. Of course if you are truly evil then you'll name your kids something so ridiculous that you are guaranteeing a life of therapy for your child. Who could forget Jason Lees poor child Pilot Inspektor and his next child Caspar, good grief. Celebrities seem to pick the strangest names as if they want their children to be ridiculed so they never think they are better than their parents. I reckon that's deliberate, I'm the famous one not you, get to therapy.
You can have a lot of fun naming a child of course, pick out something that you know will guarantee a humilating experience for a child then tell everyone that's what your going to name your new baby. Check out their faces, they will struggle to keep a straight face while telling you what a lovely name. Oh so you like the idea of me naming my child Stroganoff Mackerel Hamstrung? Remember to deliver the name sincerely so they will believe you, it's a fun game to play when your sick of everyone asking you what your going to call the baby. Would be even better if you had a hidden camera somewhere capturing the expressions on their faces.
So what name was it that I came across that prompted me to write this blog, Vivian and that would be Mr Vivian James surname blank to protect the innocent. He is an older man so it's probably his mothers name or a family name, but once I stopped laughing and imagined the poor boy at school lying on the ground after getting pummelled by some bully, I started thinking about all the ridiculous names I've seen and heard and how cruel parents can be. There was also the lady called Neville, and as that's my Dads name I started wondering if he's really my Dad or my Mum, jury is still out on that one.
I think they should have a law on ridiculous names, I know there is certain names you can't register, and with a damn good reason, but perhaps some sort of book. Or there could be someone at the hospital and when you tell them the name and spelling for your new baby if it's ridiculous you'll get a slap over the head, and the slaps will keep coming till you come up with a name that won't seriously damage your child. But in the spirit of naming children just to cause them a lifetime of angst I'm renaming my children their new names in order of age are:
Fitzimmons Protractor Constable
Englebert Powercord Plastic
and
Hyacinth Fencepost Milkbottle
Sorry kids but I've got to change with the times and stay cool.
Catch ya
Cathy
Monday, April 30, 2012
Saturday, April 14, 2012
Imagination or Insanity?
I'm opting for imagination, mostly because I don't want to seem insane :)
Yesterday I had to duck up to the local supermarket and buy a new pruner, my other one had actually snapped, shows how strong I am LOL. So I'm at the counter and just chatting to the guy who owns the place, and we were talking about how sharp they are. He refused my offer of cutting off his finger to test them out, spoilsport, but told me how someone had actually stolen a pair right out of the packet, and left the empty packet sitting there. He has no idea who did it, or why. Were they that desperate to trim back that rose bush they resorted to stealing? Kitchen scissors would do for that in a pinch. Or maybe they were planning a trek into the bush and needed to clear a path. And after seeing them in action on my mess of a garden I can attest to the fact they would work very well.
So naturally, since I have that sort of mind, I started gabbing. What if it was a mafia hitman with a body in the trunk that he needed to cut up, so I asked if any tough garbage bags were also missing. Or maybe they were to be used by a kidnapper who was going to cut off fingers to send with a ransom note. Then my mind clicked again, and it was an enraged wife who had just found out her husband was cheating on her, and she was cutting the brake lines to his sports car, or giving him a Bobbit. Maybe a mad gardener, who has had to move into an apartment and has no garden and has been going slowly mad, until he steals the pruners and becomes the notorious garden pruner. You come home from holidays and find all your plants nicely pruned, quick call the police. Or send him to my place I hate gardening.
Then there's another conversation I had with a workmate, we were going to scale the side of the building and go in all ninja like and kick arse. Can't remember why, but it comes up frequently when we are pissed off. I've always wondered what it would be like to be able to purchase a tank. Doesn't have to be loaded, I'd just like to drive it. Who doesn't think of a jet fighter swooping down on them when getting attacked by a magpie, and all you are armed with is a stick. Where's that damn flame thrower when you need it, probably stuck in the bottom of your handbag we all know they have everything in them.
When they had a truce on handing in guns over here, my son in law and I came up with setting up a stand in my back yard, I back onto the bush and there's an access track so any extremists could get down there easily. We'd take their weapons off their hands for them, then we'd be loaded with anything we wanted, and of course there'd be at least one tank. Then we could take over the world as we had all the weapons and no one else did, we could then have whatever we wanted and if anyone pissed us off they would just disappear. And who the hell was going to argue with us?
Of course my mind doesn't run away to extremes all the times, sometimes my thoughts are quite simple and boring, like, it looks like it's going to rain, should I hang out the washing, instead of it looks like there is going to be a war between the gods and lightning and meteors are going to rain down on earth. The second thought is much more entertaining though.
Now is that insanity or imagination? I'm pretty sure I have an over active imagination fueled by watching to much TV and DVD's. I'm almost positive I'm not insane.
Catch ya
Cathy
Yesterday I had to duck up to the local supermarket and buy a new pruner, my other one had actually snapped, shows how strong I am LOL. So I'm at the counter and just chatting to the guy who owns the place, and we were talking about how sharp they are. He refused my offer of cutting off his finger to test them out, spoilsport, but told me how someone had actually stolen a pair right out of the packet, and left the empty packet sitting there. He has no idea who did it, or why. Were they that desperate to trim back that rose bush they resorted to stealing? Kitchen scissors would do for that in a pinch. Or maybe they were planning a trek into the bush and needed to clear a path. And after seeing them in action on my mess of a garden I can attest to the fact they would work very well.
So naturally, since I have that sort of mind, I started gabbing. What if it was a mafia hitman with a body in the trunk that he needed to cut up, so I asked if any tough garbage bags were also missing. Or maybe they were to be used by a kidnapper who was going to cut off fingers to send with a ransom note. Then my mind clicked again, and it was an enraged wife who had just found out her husband was cheating on her, and she was cutting the brake lines to his sports car, or giving him a Bobbit. Maybe a mad gardener, who has had to move into an apartment and has no garden and has been going slowly mad, until he steals the pruners and becomes the notorious garden pruner. You come home from holidays and find all your plants nicely pruned, quick call the police. Or send him to my place I hate gardening.
Then there's another conversation I had with a workmate, we were going to scale the side of the building and go in all ninja like and kick arse. Can't remember why, but it comes up frequently when we are pissed off. I've always wondered what it would be like to be able to purchase a tank. Doesn't have to be loaded, I'd just like to drive it. Who doesn't think of a jet fighter swooping down on them when getting attacked by a magpie, and all you are armed with is a stick. Where's that damn flame thrower when you need it, probably stuck in the bottom of your handbag we all know they have everything in them.
When they had a truce on handing in guns over here, my son in law and I came up with setting up a stand in my back yard, I back onto the bush and there's an access track so any extremists could get down there easily. We'd take their weapons off their hands for them, then we'd be loaded with anything we wanted, and of course there'd be at least one tank. Then we could take over the world as we had all the weapons and no one else did, we could then have whatever we wanted and if anyone pissed us off they would just disappear. And who the hell was going to argue with us?
Of course my mind doesn't run away to extremes all the times, sometimes my thoughts are quite simple and boring, like, it looks like it's going to rain, should I hang out the washing, instead of it looks like there is going to be a war between the gods and lightning and meteors are going to rain down on earth. The second thought is much more entertaining though.
Now is that insanity or imagination? I'm pretty sure I have an over active imagination fueled by watching to much TV and DVD's. I'm almost positive I'm not insane.
Catch ya
Cathy
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Vicious Circle
It's a bloody vicious circle. The modern world has changed all our priorities, and 'The Man' has us by the proverbial short and curlies.
Just been chatting to a friend of mine (giving a big wave to my sista Donna), about how I've run out of downloads for my internet. Which of course means I'm limited on what I can and can't do on here. I can't play any of my FB games, which shits me no end, I'm sure I've got crops dying somewhere. She suggested I buy some more to get me through the next 4 days, okay not a lot of time to wait, but going into withdrawal here people. I said that I didn't have any money to pay for the extra, not after paying rent, electricity, loan, car service and buying food. I then realised, we don't need food (I've got a lot of body fat that can be absorbed to keep me alive for 4 days), and since I want to sit on my arse online, I don't need the car and I could go bankrupt so there goes the loan. But I do need the electricity to run my internet, and of course I need the house to run the electricity into, to run the internet, so I can sit on my arse all day. Another thing I don't need is heat, cause of the body fat to keep me warm, the constant hot flushes and the cat who sits on my lap whenever she can.
Without the internet, I'm forced to do something else. I could read, read all the books in the house, I could mow the lawn, mower is in the shop, I could garden or go for a walk. Both of these things would burn my precious body fat thus causing the necessity of buying food, and wasting my precious money on a non essential. Remember the good old days, when it was Mum and Dad paying the bills, and we could do what ever we wanted? I'm thinking maybe we need those times back. Of course back then, they didn't have the internet, and TV was pretty lame. No DVD's, no CD's, no cell phones, no microwaves, this list is endless. I always liked the old records, even with the scratches they were cool, and I loved browsing in the record shops. And when they became too bad, you could use them for frisbies, or wall covering (I'm sure they would be great insulation). I could sit down and watch something on TV, but it's daytime only crap on. So I guess it's a DVD for me, or write my blog LOL.
So 'The Man' is forcing me to do something today, to think outside this little pc box and take part in some activity. Not sure I'm comfortable with that, after all there is dangers lurking outside. If I go for a walk, I could get hit by a car, or bitten by a dog, could even be an escaped prisoner or mental patient lurking behind a bush just waiting to pounce. Reading something I've read before could lead to brain death or a paper cut. Cleaning the house, pffftt yeh like that's even being considered. If I watch TV, that will use more of my precious electricity, so that's out, plus I could get electrocuted when I switch it on. Going for a drive, waste the service and have to buy fuel and of course there's the possibility of some moron running into me (I've had that happen before). Play a game on my DS, well the danger with that is that I don't have any decent games and I get incredibly frustrated with it, and could throw it and hit some passerby who happens to be an expert shot with a gun with a hair trigger (we all know that happens everyday). So maybe a nap, of course I could fall out of bed, or sleep through the fire alarm, or have a nightmare. There really isn't anything non dangerous that I can do, so maybe I should just huddle under the desk in the fetal position, throw a bit of rocking in too.
See what happens when I let my imagination run wild, and all because I can't play FB games LOL. Seriously folks, I can think of other stuff to do, and I'm not going to huddle under the desk (it's filthy under there). My ISP should roll over all unused download time then I'd have plenty left and not have to resort to actually doing something.
Catch ya
Cathy
Just been chatting to a friend of mine (giving a big wave to my sista Donna), about how I've run out of downloads for my internet. Which of course means I'm limited on what I can and can't do on here. I can't play any of my FB games, which shits me no end, I'm sure I've got crops dying somewhere. She suggested I buy some more to get me through the next 4 days, okay not a lot of time to wait, but going into withdrawal here people. I said that I didn't have any money to pay for the extra, not after paying rent, electricity, loan, car service and buying food. I then realised, we don't need food (I've got a lot of body fat that can be absorbed to keep me alive for 4 days), and since I want to sit on my arse online, I don't need the car and I could go bankrupt so there goes the loan. But I do need the electricity to run my internet, and of course I need the house to run the electricity into, to run the internet, so I can sit on my arse all day. Another thing I don't need is heat, cause of the body fat to keep me warm, the constant hot flushes and the cat who sits on my lap whenever she can.
Without the internet, I'm forced to do something else. I could read, read all the books in the house, I could mow the lawn, mower is in the shop, I could garden or go for a walk. Both of these things would burn my precious body fat thus causing the necessity of buying food, and wasting my precious money on a non essential. Remember the good old days, when it was Mum and Dad paying the bills, and we could do what ever we wanted? I'm thinking maybe we need those times back. Of course back then, they didn't have the internet, and TV was pretty lame. No DVD's, no CD's, no cell phones, no microwaves, this list is endless. I always liked the old records, even with the scratches they were cool, and I loved browsing in the record shops. And when they became too bad, you could use them for frisbies, or wall covering (I'm sure they would be great insulation). I could sit down and watch something on TV, but it's daytime only crap on. So I guess it's a DVD for me, or write my blog LOL.
So 'The Man' is forcing me to do something today, to think outside this little pc box and take part in some activity. Not sure I'm comfortable with that, after all there is dangers lurking outside. If I go for a walk, I could get hit by a car, or bitten by a dog, could even be an escaped prisoner or mental patient lurking behind a bush just waiting to pounce. Reading something I've read before could lead to brain death or a paper cut. Cleaning the house, pffftt yeh like that's even being considered. If I watch TV, that will use more of my precious electricity, so that's out, plus I could get electrocuted when I switch it on. Going for a drive, waste the service and have to buy fuel and of course there's the possibility of some moron running into me (I've had that happen before). Play a game on my DS, well the danger with that is that I don't have any decent games and I get incredibly frustrated with it, and could throw it and hit some passerby who happens to be an expert shot with a gun with a hair trigger (we all know that happens everyday). So maybe a nap, of course I could fall out of bed, or sleep through the fire alarm, or have a nightmare. There really isn't anything non dangerous that I can do, so maybe I should just huddle under the desk in the fetal position, throw a bit of rocking in too.
See what happens when I let my imagination run wild, and all because I can't play FB games LOL. Seriously folks, I can think of other stuff to do, and I'm not going to huddle under the desk (it's filthy under there). My ISP should roll over all unused download time then I'd have plenty left and not have to resort to actually doing something.
Catch ya
Cathy
Sunday, April 8, 2012
Mini Rant and I'm going to use English!
I have a pet peeve, it's not one I have to feed, I don't have to take it for walks, but every now and then I let it out and rant about it.
It's all about shortening words, whether in a text or on something like Facebook. Here's an example: wats evry1 doin, how hard is it to actually type that correctly, What's everyone doing, didn't take me much time at all, and it sure as shit looks like I have an education of some sort. Ova, is that short for oval, or maybe someones name, nope it's over, well gee I added a letter and changed another and it took all of 2 seconds if that. I see someone has typed tats, tats as in tattoos or that's, you can only work it out if you read the whole sentence. But geez, one letter and the word is actually a word and not some stupid shortened rubbish. nbox me, one fucking letter moron and it's correct. You go to all the trouble to type and you are too damn lazy to add an I, doesn't even have to be capitals or have correct grammar, but for goodness sake, type the word as it should be.
We have enough trouble with auto correct changing the words we type without us doing it on purpose. And yet it keeps on happening. To me, it's a real issue that just gets my dander up (dander, there's a word you don't see everyday), I want to hack into the account holders account and correct the spelling and then give them a failing mark. I don't have a problem with things like LOL, or LMAO those are things that have come along with instant messenger and texting, we all know they aren't real words. But don't take the English language and turn it into some uneducated crap that makes you look like a fucking idiot.
So there you have it my mini rant, pretty mild considering some of my other rants. Oh wait another one, dropping the damn g on everything, what the hell do you have against the letter g, did it try to abduct you when you were a child. Do you have nightmares where you are hunted down by the letter g, maybe Sesame Street could introduce you to the letter, it's wonderful and it won't hurt you if you use it.
Okay now that's all I think. If I think of anymore I'll be back (in the words of some famous cyborg).
It's all about shortening words, whether in a text or on something like Facebook. Here's an example: wats evry1 doin, how hard is it to actually type that correctly, What's everyone doing, didn't take me much time at all, and it sure as shit looks like I have an education of some sort. Ova, is that short for oval, or maybe someones name, nope it's over, well gee I added a letter and changed another and it took all of 2 seconds if that. I see someone has typed tats, tats as in tattoos or that's, you can only work it out if you read the whole sentence. But geez, one letter and the word is actually a word and not some stupid shortened rubbish. nbox me, one fucking letter moron and it's correct. You go to all the trouble to type and you are too damn lazy to add an I, doesn't even have to be capitals or have correct grammar, but for goodness sake, type the word as it should be.
We have enough trouble with auto correct changing the words we type without us doing it on purpose. And yet it keeps on happening. To me, it's a real issue that just gets my dander up (dander, there's a word you don't see everyday), I want to hack into the account holders account and correct the spelling and then give them a failing mark. I don't have a problem with things like LOL, or LMAO those are things that have come along with instant messenger and texting, we all know they aren't real words. But don't take the English language and turn it into some uneducated crap that makes you look like a fucking idiot.
So there you have it my mini rant, pretty mild considering some of my other rants. Oh wait another one, dropping the damn g on everything, what the hell do you have against the letter g, did it try to abduct you when you were a child. Do you have nightmares where you are hunted down by the letter g, maybe Sesame Street could introduce you to the letter, it's wonderful and it won't hurt you if you use it.
Okay now that's all I think. If I think of anymore I'll be back (in the words of some famous cyborg).
Thursday, April 5, 2012
The Meaning of Life
Holding my beautiful grand daughter in my arms as I chatted to my 2 wonderful daughters, I realised that I knew the meaning of life. So throw away all those books, stop paying big money to listen to some joker try to tell you what the meaning of life is, cause I know the secret. I'll tell it to you for free cause that's the sort of person I am.
Okay, hold onto your hats, make sure your sitting down, cause this is the big revelation.... hope your all ready for it. The Meaning of Life, as figured out by me, is quite simply life. There is no expensive answer there is no book that can tell you this. It's as plain as the nose on your face, it is simply life. Nothing more and nothing less.
We wake up in the morning and go about our day, we all do different things, we have contact with different people, we all have different jobs and homes, the one thing we have in common is that we are all living our lives. Having a life, so to speak. I'm not talking about having babies, and giving them life, or raising them to have a good life, I'm talking about living our lives, plain and simple (sorry have to keep saying that cause it is).
We all have worries, we all have troubles, yours are not great than mine (at least not to me) and mine are not greater than yours. We all have our good times, and we all celebrate life, so why not just get out there and live it. Open yourself up to the meaning of life by living it, get out and get a life. Don't shut yourself inside somewhere wondering why everyone else has a better life, or bother with pondering what the meaning of life is, do something with your life, make the changes you want to make in your life, cause nobody else can do that for you.
Stand up and be counted, leave your mark on the world, it doesn't have to be something major or memorable. If you live your life to the fullest, you will be remembered. If not by a family (if your alone) but by your friends and co workers. Don't be the person who ends up bitter and alone, and totally forgotten. Don't be one of these sad people who blame everyone else for their problems, or are jealous of everyone else, take control, accept your life and live it the best you can.
You don't need to be a millionaire, or a movie star, you don't need to be famous at all. John Doe down the road, is living his life, and you can too.
So think on this my friends, remember my words and decide for yourselves if you agree with me. There are so many sayings in the world, like life goes on, get a life and others, and they are true, life does go on, even after we are gone. It may not feel like your life will go on, especially after losing a loved one, but (and I speak from experience) it really does. Sure it's hard, but seriously, what in life is easy? I struggle to get out of bed in the morning, but once I'm up I'm up, breathing and getting on with it. I'm not saying I'm a ray of sunshine, the thought of that makes me gag, but I'm not giving up I know I'm in control and I'm living my life.
I'm sharing my life with those I love, and they are sharing their lives with me, the good times and the bad, it's all a part of life.
That's my ponderings for tonight,
catch ya
Cathy
Okay, hold onto your hats, make sure your sitting down, cause this is the big revelation.... hope your all ready for it. The Meaning of Life, as figured out by me, is quite simply life. There is no expensive answer there is no book that can tell you this. It's as plain as the nose on your face, it is simply life. Nothing more and nothing less.
We wake up in the morning and go about our day, we all do different things, we have contact with different people, we all have different jobs and homes, the one thing we have in common is that we are all living our lives. Having a life, so to speak. I'm not talking about having babies, and giving them life, or raising them to have a good life, I'm talking about living our lives, plain and simple (sorry have to keep saying that cause it is).
We all have worries, we all have troubles, yours are not great than mine (at least not to me) and mine are not greater than yours. We all have our good times, and we all celebrate life, so why not just get out there and live it. Open yourself up to the meaning of life by living it, get out and get a life. Don't shut yourself inside somewhere wondering why everyone else has a better life, or bother with pondering what the meaning of life is, do something with your life, make the changes you want to make in your life, cause nobody else can do that for you.
Stand up and be counted, leave your mark on the world, it doesn't have to be something major or memorable. If you live your life to the fullest, you will be remembered. If not by a family (if your alone) but by your friends and co workers. Don't be the person who ends up bitter and alone, and totally forgotten. Don't be one of these sad people who blame everyone else for their problems, or are jealous of everyone else, take control, accept your life and live it the best you can.
You don't need to be a millionaire, or a movie star, you don't need to be famous at all. John Doe down the road, is living his life, and you can too.
So think on this my friends, remember my words and decide for yourselves if you agree with me. There are so many sayings in the world, like life goes on, get a life and others, and they are true, life does go on, even after we are gone. It may not feel like your life will go on, especially after losing a loved one, but (and I speak from experience) it really does. Sure it's hard, but seriously, what in life is easy? I struggle to get out of bed in the morning, but once I'm up I'm up, breathing and getting on with it. I'm not saying I'm a ray of sunshine, the thought of that makes me gag, but I'm not giving up I know I'm in control and I'm living my life.
I'm sharing my life with those I love, and they are sharing their lives with me, the good times and the bad, it's all a part of life.
That's my ponderings for tonight,
catch ya
Cathy
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
MEN...oh...pause
I've worked out why it's called menopause, it's cause men totally piss us off, so we pause while we think why the fuck do I need a man! If it wasn't that it would be called hot flush hell, or mood swing explosion. But nope it's all to do with men! Well, maybe not but lets blame them for it anyway. Before I go any further I have to say, this is me and menopause, not anyone else, I am not saying that everyone else is faking it, or having a reasonably easy time of it. I totally understand how hard it is for some and I'm so glad that's not me.
Why is it that we woman put up with all the indignities we suffer through our long lives, and then some hot flush creeps up on us and we welcome the change to our life. We have to put up with the wonderful experience of becoming a woman, the mess, the pain, the expense and the incovenience of getting a period and we are supposed to be delighted in our new bodies and what they can now do. Then it's the pain of experiencing childbirth, and all the delights that come with it. Sleepless nights, enormous mounds of washing, a body that has changed so much we cannot even recognise it, cracked nipples and the joy of a screaming baby. Lets not forget the oh so pleasant pap smear, nothing like visiting the doctor and putting your feet up in stirrups while he probes with a mini bottle washer and something cold that always makes me think of an ice cream scoop. All while they tell us to relax, almost done, just lie back and think of England ladies. Better yet, throw your doctor up there and put that scoop where the sun don't shine.
We deal with the heartbreaks of childhood, the "no one likes me mum" "why don't you buy me cool things like ....mum does" the pain of a childs lost first love, all the emotional highs and lows of raising said children. And then just like that we are no longer women we are old crones, dried up and useless. No longer able to bear children, but we are expected to deal with the dreaded menopause with smiles on our faces. Our doctors seem almost embarrassed when discussing it, we listen to the same old thing "all women go through it" sure they do, but I'm not talking about them, I'm talking about me, so fucking listen to me! Of course it is a good excuse to go red in the face and rush outside for that cooler air, or to demand the ac be set to high and watch everyone else in the office don arctic wear (guaranteed to bring a smile to your face), it's a great excuse to burst into tears every time you watch an ad advertising coffee or one with a cute puppy. Never mind that you are faking it, everyone sees the tears and clears the room, I've tried it and it works.
It's the perfect excuse for falling asleep while watching the TV, everyone will creep around and keep quiet while Mum naps, because we have to be understanding of her feelings during this difficult time. The only thing difficult for me, is the hot flushes, having to sleep with a fan on all night in the dead of winter, the tossing and turning as I get hot then cold during the night. It's probably just as well that I don't have anyone else in my bed, they'd have packed up and moved out by now. There is also the loss of sex drive, but for me, single and alone, that's just not an issue, not that I don't miss my man, but I'd rather sleep than have sex these days.
I do love the mood swings, or what I say are mood swings, you can behave in the most outrageous fashion, then cover it up with the menopause excuse. In reality I'm just messing with you, and faking a mood swing, but you don't know that. You can lock yourself in your room, and no one comes near you for fear of the mood swing. Drive off in the car without a word, and when you return the house has been cleaned for you. It's a truely magical time, if you play it right.
With menopause if you play it right, you can have a permanent mood swing and keep everyone hopping. Maybe I'm just an old meanie, but it's fun, and hey I'm not getting any sex (not that I want any) so I take my fun where I can. The fact that my child bearing years are over, is not something that worries me, if I'd wanted more kids I'd of had them when I could, now I'm happy with the grand kids.
So I'm entering the golden years, but what's so golden about them. My hips hurt my eyesight is fading, I can't hear so good, and I forget shit all the time. I'd rather be permanently stuck in the menopause years.
Why is it that we woman put up with all the indignities we suffer through our long lives, and then some hot flush creeps up on us and we welcome the change to our life. We have to put up with the wonderful experience of becoming a woman, the mess, the pain, the expense and the incovenience of getting a period and we are supposed to be delighted in our new bodies and what they can now do. Then it's the pain of experiencing childbirth, and all the delights that come with it. Sleepless nights, enormous mounds of washing, a body that has changed so much we cannot even recognise it, cracked nipples and the joy of a screaming baby. Lets not forget the oh so pleasant pap smear, nothing like visiting the doctor and putting your feet up in stirrups while he probes with a mini bottle washer and something cold that always makes me think of an ice cream scoop. All while they tell us to relax, almost done, just lie back and think of England ladies. Better yet, throw your doctor up there and put that scoop where the sun don't shine.
We deal with the heartbreaks of childhood, the "no one likes me mum" "why don't you buy me cool things like ....mum does" the pain of a childs lost first love, all the emotional highs and lows of raising said children. And then just like that we are no longer women we are old crones, dried up and useless. No longer able to bear children, but we are expected to deal with the dreaded menopause with smiles on our faces. Our doctors seem almost embarrassed when discussing it, we listen to the same old thing "all women go through it" sure they do, but I'm not talking about them, I'm talking about me, so fucking listen to me! Of course it is a good excuse to go red in the face and rush outside for that cooler air, or to demand the ac be set to high and watch everyone else in the office don arctic wear (guaranteed to bring a smile to your face), it's a great excuse to burst into tears every time you watch an ad advertising coffee or one with a cute puppy. Never mind that you are faking it, everyone sees the tears and clears the room, I've tried it and it works.
It's the perfect excuse for falling asleep while watching the TV, everyone will creep around and keep quiet while Mum naps, because we have to be understanding of her feelings during this difficult time. The only thing difficult for me, is the hot flushes, having to sleep with a fan on all night in the dead of winter, the tossing and turning as I get hot then cold during the night. It's probably just as well that I don't have anyone else in my bed, they'd have packed up and moved out by now. There is also the loss of sex drive, but for me, single and alone, that's just not an issue, not that I don't miss my man, but I'd rather sleep than have sex these days.
I do love the mood swings, or what I say are mood swings, you can behave in the most outrageous fashion, then cover it up with the menopause excuse. In reality I'm just messing with you, and faking a mood swing, but you don't know that. You can lock yourself in your room, and no one comes near you for fear of the mood swing. Drive off in the car without a word, and when you return the house has been cleaned for you. It's a truely magical time, if you play it right.
With menopause if you play it right, you can have a permanent mood swing and keep everyone hopping. Maybe I'm just an old meanie, but it's fun, and hey I'm not getting any sex (not that I want any) so I take my fun where I can. The fact that my child bearing years are over, is not something that worries me, if I'd wanted more kids I'd of had them when I could, now I'm happy with the grand kids.
So I'm entering the golden years, but what's so golden about them. My hips hurt my eyesight is fading, I can't hear so good, and I forget shit all the time. I'd rather be permanently stuck in the menopause years.
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