Happy New Year and I hope you all had a great Christmas. Mine was great, but there was something missing, or should I say someone.
A couple of weeks before Christmas, Mum had another fall. My plan for my leave was to get everything done in the first week, then head down to Caryns in the second week. I didn't get approved for the second weeks leave until the end Friday before I went on leave, so it was a bonus, but I would of usually gone down the first week. I'm glad I didn't get to do it that way this time, as I would of had to rush back to be with Mum. I got a call on Wednesday from a lady who had heard Mum calling out for help from her backyard. The woman happened to be a nurse visiting friends who lived behind Mum.
Any one I know on Facebook, knows that she recently had her yard done by the Rural Fire Service, and she had been most impressed. We'd had a little bit of rain so the yard was damp, and as she stepped onto the grass she slipped on the hill and down she went, landing on her left side. The story varies every time she tells it, of what she was doing outside. She told me she was going to do some gardening, then it was bringing in the washing, she's also said she was just looking at the job done, and thinking the lawn needed mowing (it didn't it had just been mowed). She has also said that a man carried her inside (she walked with assistance) and that they made her lunch and called an ambulance (they made her coffee and called me). They were wonderful and patient with her and recognised her as having alzheimers straight away. She was a nurse and knew Mum's arm was badly broken, and suggested I take her to hospital.
After waiting for about 4 hours she was finally admitted. Xrays showed a dislocated shoulder but she had splintered bones, not just broken them, splintered them. The decision was made to perform surgery the next day, and I left just before midnight, knowing she'd be looked after. The next day I found out that they weren't going to do surgery after all, given her age and the alzheimers. Elderly face bigger risks with surgery and they did not think it would improve her life at all. I was disappointed because to me it would be done, and she'd be able to be back home and we could get care for her. It was decided to send her to Katoomba Hospital which has a rehab facility, where they could monitor her pain and help her shower, etc. She is left handed, so not being able to use her left arm is difficult for her. She is able to use her right, has always been ambidextrous, but not being able to use her left at all, has thrown her.
Naturally she has been incredibly confused. I made the decision to still get away for a week as I knew she was in great hands, and my older bro and elder daughter would visit and make sure all was fine. It wasn't an easy decision, but I had to get away for a break, and it was great, just what I needed.
We had hoped to bring Mum home for Christmas Day at least, but after discussions with doctors, physios, occupational therapists and a social worker, we decided that being at my house for Christmas was too much for all of us. It had also been discovered that she had a fracture in one of the bones in her pelvis, something that hadn't been picked up before. My home is not wheelchair friendly and with 9 kids running around with a dog and 2 cats, we thought it would be too much. I visited on Christmas Day with my daughter, her hubby and 6 kids. We were able to go into the dining room, lots more space and the kids couldn't go out to the garden as it was raining. But it was good, and Mum loved it. Naturally, she totally forgot that it even happened, telling my brother how disappointed she was that they had left without visiting her LOL, he had a copy of the pic we took and showed it to her, pretty sure she would say it was photo shopped if she knew what photo shop was LOL.
After our meeting we've come to the conclusion that keeping Mum at home is no longer an option, she needs to be cared for in ways we cannot. She needs to be social and we can't be there constantly for her. We've discussed all this with Mum and she has agreed. But that was for one day, the next she wanted to know when I was taking her home. The day after it was talk about moving into an over 55's place, and that way my younger brother could live with her. Then she was back to moving to a nursing home and all happy about it. It changes daily, she called me not so long ago wanting to know what time I was going to pick her up and take her home. For most things I let her live with her delusions, but this is one thing I won't lie about. Again I told her how we were looking at nursing homes, and how we would have to sell her house, etc. Again she worried about my younger brother, again I told her he can suck it up because she is the priority. Again she asked me when I was picking her up to take her home.
The sad fact is she needs 24/7 care, and we cannot provide it for her. Sure she could go back home, sure she is capable of using the bathroom herself, doing laundry and a bit of cooking. But what happens the next time she decides she wants to bring in imaginary laundry or trim a plant that doesn't exist? Or even if she decides she can go to the shops by herself? She's had 2 falls in 6 mths, and more before that. We aren't there to monitor her every movement, we can't be because we have to work. We can't provide her with the social side of life with her peers which she needs. And to be honest I believe she'll have a blast meeting 'new' people every day, because lets face it, they will be new faces every day as she won't remember meeting them before. It's unfortunate that this is the decision we have to make, but she is not who she was, she won't ever be again, and she will only get worse.
The hospital has had to put a pressure mat at the side of her bed, as she gets up in the middle of the night and tries to walk unaided to the bathroom. She will scoff when you tell her she can't do it saying, but the bathroom is just there, and yes it is just there, but she is unstable on her feet, what if she has another fall. At first we had trouble getting her to keep her arm in the sling, much like her taking the plaster off her finger and removing the pin, she would keep taking it off. She's finally keeping that on, but we can't stop being vigilant with her. In the new year, we will start booking tours of facilities that we have selected, we have forms to fill out, she is having a new ACAT on Wednesday, and I need to speak to her solicitor about the house and what we need to do. Obviously it needs to be cleaned out LOL, but what is the next step. Never done this before, don't want to ever do it again either.
There is still funny moments, she got a lot of chocolate for Christmas, and when I get it out of her little bedside cupboard, her face lights up and she asks where I got that from, then we gorge LOL. Every time it's the same, she doesn't remember that it's there, so it's joy at the discovery. My older bro and I were chatting the other day about how having a mother in rehab is giving us street cred. The fact we come from a broken home, just adds to it all LOL. Okay my parents separated when I was 20, but hey broken home sounds better. We are planning a crime spree, figure the judge will go easier on us with the whole broken home mother in rehab thing, what chance do kids like us have LOL.
I hate that we have to do this, I hate that she can't live at home longer than she has, I hate this feeling of taking the easy way. I know it's not the easy way, I know she can't live at home, but I can still hate it. and I'll just have to deal with the guilt. Despite getting to spend Christmas with my family, Mum not being there has put a whole downer on the celebration. It is in a way similar to the first Christmas without Don, but I will get through this and I know she will be happier. She will be able to tell her stories over and over, she will be looked after, and we know she will not be out walking the streets LOL.
Catch yas in the New Year
Cathy
Sunday, December 31, 2017
Tuesday, August 29, 2017
It's Our Choice
Very soon, Australians are going to be asked to basically vote on whether or not gay men and women will be allowed to marry under the Marriage Act. Our Government is to afraid to make the decision themselves so has decided to hold a plebiscite costing millions of tax payer dollars to say Yes or No. For us to decide whether 2 people who are in love and want to commit to each other should be allowed to have a legal marriage. Rather than simply making the decision themselves at no cost, or having it included in our next Federal Election, the idiots thought "Hey let's waste some money." Yep that's what it is a waste of fucking money.
Not everyone wants to say yes, fair enough, you don't have to. I've seen people ranting and posting online about how it is the decline of our country and how it will lead to pedophilia and bestiality, how gays are out to destroy God's world. Ummm, okay then, maybe if that's how you think you shouldn't have the right to vote, the males who say it are probably trying to tell their wives what to do and ruing the day women were given the vote. I don't mean that saying no makes you an idiot, I mean that telling everyone that it will lead us down the path of destruction is idiotic. Gay people around the world want the same thing as hetero people. They want to get married and have the rights of all married people given to them. They want to be able to formally marry the one they love. That's all they want. They don't want to marry someone under age, they don't want to marry a pet dog, they want to marry an adult who wants to marry them.
The only change that will be made to the Marriage Act is the definition of the union of marriage, that currently states between a man and a woman. The legal age to marry will not change, the fact you can't marry your brother or sister will not change, you won't suddenly be able to marry your dog either. We won't see an influx of sex education in schools to include sex between homosexuals, our children won't suddenly be encouraged to put on a dress or pair of pants, this is not the end of civilization people!!!
I'm not gay, have never had any inclination to be gay, but I will be voting Yes. The reason I will be voting Yes, is because I've actually thought about it, for a long time. I have gay friends who would love to be married legally in Australia, and I would love for them to be happy. But that's not why I'm voting Yes. I have grandchildren who may one day tell us they are gay, but that's not why I'm voting Yes. I haven't been pressured into voting Yes. I will be voting Yes because I can't vote any other way and still call myself a decent human being. Who am I to take away someones right to be happy? Who am I to tell consenting adults they don't have the same rights as me? I'm not doing anything that I don't feel I should do. I'm not giving permission for pedophiles or anything else disgusting, I'm saying that I want my neighbour, my friend, to have the same rights as me. I don't want anyone to thank me for my vote, I don't need someone to pat me on the back, I'm doing what I feel is just and fair.
Our world is made up of many different people. We have different skin colours, we speak different languages, our culture is different, our religion is different, but we are all humans. We all have the right to love and be loved regardless of our sexual orientation. I've read so called Christians online declaring that being gay is a sin, who are you to speak for your God? Isn't he the one you say passes down judgment and yet there you are judging. People are either born gay or they aren't, it's that simple. There is no on or off switch, no one gets up in the morning and decides they will be gay today, but not tomorrow. A consenting gay adult is the same as any heterosexual consenting adult. They get up and go to work, just like the rest of us. They go out for dinner with their partner, just like the rest of us. In fact they are us. There shouldn't be an us or them, we are all the same, we love, we laugh, we cry.
We are all human, we all deserve to be treated the same. If your choice is to vote No, that's your choice. All I would ask is that you think seriously about how you think your life is going to really change if your gay neighbour or coworker gets married. How is it really going to affect you? And be honest, leave off the ranting and raving, really think about it. Do your research if you must, but take a good hard look at why you feel you must say No before you decide and send in your vote. Always remember that marriage is not just for procreation, many hetero couples get married and never have children because they don't want to. Remember, too, that only your God is allowed to judge others, not you.
Okay folks there's my 2 cents worth LOL.
Catch yas
Cathy
Not everyone wants to say yes, fair enough, you don't have to. I've seen people ranting and posting online about how it is the decline of our country and how it will lead to pedophilia and bestiality, how gays are out to destroy God's world. Ummm, okay then, maybe if that's how you think you shouldn't have the right to vote, the males who say it are probably trying to tell their wives what to do and ruing the day women were given the vote. I don't mean that saying no makes you an idiot, I mean that telling everyone that it will lead us down the path of destruction is idiotic. Gay people around the world want the same thing as hetero people. They want to get married and have the rights of all married people given to them. They want to be able to formally marry the one they love. That's all they want. They don't want to marry someone under age, they don't want to marry a pet dog, they want to marry an adult who wants to marry them.
The only change that will be made to the Marriage Act is the definition of the union of marriage, that currently states between a man and a woman. The legal age to marry will not change, the fact you can't marry your brother or sister will not change, you won't suddenly be able to marry your dog either. We won't see an influx of sex education in schools to include sex between homosexuals, our children won't suddenly be encouraged to put on a dress or pair of pants, this is not the end of civilization people!!!
I'm not gay, have never had any inclination to be gay, but I will be voting Yes. The reason I will be voting Yes, is because I've actually thought about it, for a long time. I have gay friends who would love to be married legally in Australia, and I would love for them to be happy. But that's not why I'm voting Yes. I have grandchildren who may one day tell us they are gay, but that's not why I'm voting Yes. I haven't been pressured into voting Yes. I will be voting Yes because I can't vote any other way and still call myself a decent human being. Who am I to take away someones right to be happy? Who am I to tell consenting adults they don't have the same rights as me? I'm not doing anything that I don't feel I should do. I'm not giving permission for pedophiles or anything else disgusting, I'm saying that I want my neighbour, my friend, to have the same rights as me. I don't want anyone to thank me for my vote, I don't need someone to pat me on the back, I'm doing what I feel is just and fair.
Our world is made up of many different people. We have different skin colours, we speak different languages, our culture is different, our religion is different, but we are all humans. We all have the right to love and be loved regardless of our sexual orientation. I've read so called Christians online declaring that being gay is a sin, who are you to speak for your God? Isn't he the one you say passes down judgment and yet there you are judging. People are either born gay or they aren't, it's that simple. There is no on or off switch, no one gets up in the morning and decides they will be gay today, but not tomorrow. A consenting gay adult is the same as any heterosexual consenting adult. They get up and go to work, just like the rest of us. They go out for dinner with their partner, just like the rest of us. In fact they are us. There shouldn't be an us or them, we are all the same, we love, we laugh, we cry.
We are all human, we all deserve to be treated the same. If your choice is to vote No, that's your choice. All I would ask is that you think seriously about how you think your life is going to really change if your gay neighbour or coworker gets married. How is it really going to affect you? And be honest, leave off the ranting and raving, really think about it. Do your research if you must, but take a good hard look at why you feel you must say No before you decide and send in your vote. Always remember that marriage is not just for procreation, many hetero couples get married and never have children because they don't want to. Remember, too, that only your God is allowed to judge others, not you.
Okay folks there's my 2 cents worth LOL.
Catch yas
Cathy
Monday, July 31, 2017
Life in the Twilight Zone - The Hospital Episode
As many of you know, Mum is currently in hospital. She had a fall on Wednesday evening while having a walk, was okay on Thursday but after discussion my younger brother and I thought it would be a good idea if I checked up on her on Friday and if necessary took her to the doctors. I was starting work at 8 and figured Mum would still be asleep so I'd go round on my break at 10 am. I get there and no dirty dishes in sink, so realised she must still be in bed. Go into her room to find her half in and half out of the bed unable to move (except for the uncontrollable shaking) as she couldn't get up, cause of the pain. I did try and lift her, but couldn't manage it, so had to call an ambulance for her.
Hours later she is finally given a bed, and I've explained for the millionth time that she has Alzheimers and no she has no allergies. I was told that she would be moved to a ward during the night. She is in the old farts ward with all the others who have lost their minds LOL, they have a sign on the door requesting the door be kept locked at all times as many of their patients wander. I have to say I love the security but at the same time, every time I've gone in, no one is up and about, most of them are in their beds, some in chairs, but none walking LOL.
As I had to work yesterday, I didn't get down until after my shift finished and she was telling me some truly wonderful stories about all the visitors she'd had, including people who I never knew existed LOL. She has been having a lovely time talking to her mum (she died years ago) in the bed opposite. The woman in the bed opposite is actually very badly affected by either dementia or alzheimers, she talks to herself and is constantly removing her hospital gown LOL. Can't remember Nana doing any of that hehehehe. It's fine if she talks to her, but when the lady talks she isn't actually talking to Mum, just that Mum thinks she is LOL.
I came to the conclusion after thinking about what she had said during our visit that she doesn't realise she's in the hospital (although if you ask her where she is she will say the hospital), but rather on holidays somewhere. Apparently she had a lovely visit with my younger daughter who is staying in the room next door, with her sister who is upstairs, and with my cousins Peter and Paul. I don't have cousins called Peter and Paul, well I have a cousin Peter on my fathers side, but when questioned Mum said they were her cousin Chris's boys and they were lovely. Her cousin Chris, has one child, called Ben LOL. He is lovely though. She also told the woman in the bed next to her that I was her sister, pretty insulting considering Mum is 81 and I'm 57 LOL.
Every meal time she tries to wrap up her leftovers and get someone to put them in the fridge for her so she can have them tomorrow, apparently the nurses told her she could do this, somehow I doubt that LOL. She is also giving away the hospitals things, wanted me to take the hand sanitiser and some towels when I left, and it wouldn't surprise me if she suggests the TV or bed next LOL. Whenever I tell her that she can't do that, she gets all frustrated and tells me that she was told she could, and then she gets this look on her face like I'm taking away a favorite toy.
Her washing machine has been broken for a couple of months now and the only way to start it is by pressing delay start, it's inconvenient and a right pain in the arse, but it was working. Since I've been looking after her finances I managed to save enough to get her a new machine on Sunday. I mentioned to her that I'd gotten her a new washing machine, and she goes, "That reminds me, please make sure I don't forget to put on a load of washing before we leave. I want to make sure to pay them back for having us." Sure Mum I'll do that LOL. And that one statement is the one that played in my mind and made me come to the realisation she thinks she's on holiday LOL.
The best thing to do with Mum at this point is to let her just talk and talk. You don't have to understand what she's saying, which is good cause I sure don't, but just listen. I do correct her though regarding the food, cause yeh that can't keep happening. I keep thinking I'll open the bedside cupboard and find a stash of food in there LOL.
Still not sure when she'll be allowed home, I know it won't be until she is more stable as she will need to manage on her own while my brother and I are working. I'm confident that she will be able to before to long, or maybe that's wishful thinking LOL.
Catch yas
Cathy
Hours later she is finally given a bed, and I've explained for the millionth time that she has Alzheimers and no she has no allergies. I was told that she would be moved to a ward during the night. She is in the old farts ward with all the others who have lost their minds LOL, they have a sign on the door requesting the door be kept locked at all times as many of their patients wander. I have to say I love the security but at the same time, every time I've gone in, no one is up and about, most of them are in their beds, some in chairs, but none walking LOL.
As I had to work yesterday, I didn't get down until after my shift finished and she was telling me some truly wonderful stories about all the visitors she'd had, including people who I never knew existed LOL. She has been having a lovely time talking to her mum (she died years ago) in the bed opposite. The woman in the bed opposite is actually very badly affected by either dementia or alzheimers, she talks to herself and is constantly removing her hospital gown LOL. Can't remember Nana doing any of that hehehehe. It's fine if she talks to her, but when the lady talks she isn't actually talking to Mum, just that Mum thinks she is LOL.
I came to the conclusion after thinking about what she had said during our visit that she doesn't realise she's in the hospital (although if you ask her where she is she will say the hospital), but rather on holidays somewhere. Apparently she had a lovely visit with my younger daughter who is staying in the room next door, with her sister who is upstairs, and with my cousins Peter and Paul. I don't have cousins called Peter and Paul, well I have a cousin Peter on my fathers side, but when questioned Mum said they were her cousin Chris's boys and they were lovely. Her cousin Chris, has one child, called Ben LOL. He is lovely though. She also told the woman in the bed next to her that I was her sister, pretty insulting considering Mum is 81 and I'm 57 LOL.
Every meal time she tries to wrap up her leftovers and get someone to put them in the fridge for her so she can have them tomorrow, apparently the nurses told her she could do this, somehow I doubt that LOL. She is also giving away the hospitals things, wanted me to take the hand sanitiser and some towels when I left, and it wouldn't surprise me if she suggests the TV or bed next LOL. Whenever I tell her that she can't do that, she gets all frustrated and tells me that she was told she could, and then she gets this look on her face like I'm taking away a favorite toy.
Her washing machine has been broken for a couple of months now and the only way to start it is by pressing delay start, it's inconvenient and a right pain in the arse, but it was working. Since I've been looking after her finances I managed to save enough to get her a new machine on Sunday. I mentioned to her that I'd gotten her a new washing machine, and she goes, "That reminds me, please make sure I don't forget to put on a load of washing before we leave. I want to make sure to pay them back for having us." Sure Mum I'll do that LOL. And that one statement is the one that played in my mind and made me come to the realisation she thinks she's on holiday LOL.
The best thing to do with Mum at this point is to let her just talk and talk. You don't have to understand what she's saying, which is good cause I sure don't, but just listen. I do correct her though regarding the food, cause yeh that can't keep happening. I keep thinking I'll open the bedside cupboard and find a stash of food in there LOL.
Still not sure when she'll be allowed home, I know it won't be until she is more stable as she will need to manage on her own while my brother and I are working. I'm confident that she will be able to before to long, or maybe that's wishful thinking LOL.
Catch yas
Cathy
Friday, June 23, 2017
Get a Freaking Clue
In this day and age, finding information is so quick and easy. You can access alot or a little depending on what you are searching for. You can also get fact or fiction, and the people who believe the fiction and do not do enough research are the reason for this blog.
You all need to get a freaking clue. It's that fucking simple. Don't hop online type a question into google and believe the first thing you read. Read more! Do actual research on the topic. If it's something written by some random stranger who has never been recognised as a scientist, doctor or an expert in their field, then guess what, they aren't. They are John or Jane Citizen. They are voicing their own ill conceived views that have been collected from other people who also don't have a clue. I admit to being someone without any higher schooling or someone who has worked in a specialised field, I'm Jane Citizen, nobody. But I can get online and write my opinion on something and someone could believe it.
Of course it would have to be something so out there it's freaking crazy but someone, somewhere would believe it. One day, a person, much like you or I decided to get online and start promoting against vaccinations. A few people read it, and believed it because hey why would they lie. They say that they have experienced it themselves, and oh look at the picture of their cute little healthy family, living the good life and they haven't been vaccinated, oh and look they shared a picture of a friends family, and they have 2 autistic kids and they have been vaccinated. The brains churn with this info and instantly, the reader has a cause. They think to themselves, well it must be true, look at all these facts, there's a quote from a doctor here. Seriously people get a freaking clue. I could build an online profile saying that I'm a doctor and who would step up (apart from my family and friends who all hate me LOL) and say I was lying? Instead of reading this misinformation from John or Jane Citizen, do your fucking research. Speak to doctors yourself, your own doctor, a real fucking doctor. Look up facts online, from reputable scientists, and they will tell you, getting your child vaccinated does not cause autism. Your child is born autistic, and that's a damn fact. It's not a disease, it's not something you can catch at school, you are born autistic.
Sure there are some children who have severe reactions. And there are others who cannot for medical reasons get vaccinated. But, that does not give you the right to expose your unvaccinated germ of a child to a newborn who hasn't had the chance to get vaccinations to chicken pox or measles etc. Get this into your head. It's a proven fact that these mild childhood diseases can and have killed. Don't get on your high horse and say it's your right to choose to not vaccinate, without having the common sense to realise that you do not have the right to expose other children or adults to the diseases your children may have. A simple way to help with the reactions, is to ask your doctor to give the shots separately. Don't go and get all of them at once. Space it out, but wait that makes sense, well at least it does to me, so it must be bullshit. I was asked if I wanted to do that with my son, I chose not to and apart from a temp he was fine. Same with my girls, although I wasn't asked for them. And not one of my kids is autistic. I was vaccinated, and I'm reasonably fine (apart from the mental issues my family keeps alluding too LOL).
The next point I want to make is about the proven hoax regarding abortion clinics selling body parts of babies. Ummm, okay. Some idiots filmed a fake expose, got caught, and admitted it was all a lie, and got charged and sued. But if you actually researched you would find that info easy enough. Instead John or Jane Citizen get online and decry the right of women to choose because we all know they sell the baby body parts, it was on the net right, must be true. And my taxes are paying for it. Despite the fact it's proven that this is not the case, and even the government admits the funding does not cover abortions, it must be true cause I read it online.
And then there's Sharia Law. Seriously this one gets me every single time. There is no Sharia Law in any western country, and you know why? We are democracies, the government cannot suddenly decide that it's okay without listening to the people. And unless your government is suddenly taken over by extreme Muslims, it's not going to fucking happen. Okay now you might be thinking, if we let Muslims in they will demand it as a right and it will be enforced, we can't let that happen. What the hell makes you think normal Muslims want it? Have you sat down and chatted to them? Have they passed out flyers saying vote for Sharia Law? Yeh, didn't think so. I don't want it, no one I know does, and that includes the Muslims I know. Just because someone posts a meme saying that it's about to become law, does not make it so. I make memes alot, I enjoy it, doesn't make what I say on them true, in fact they are all made as jokes. They aren't based on facts or figures, they are fun.
Now, I'm not saying that we should just go ahead and let anyone into our country without vetting. I have no problem at all with taking immigrants off the streets and deporting them if they attack anyone in my country. And I don't have a problem with deporting them even if they say they will be killed if they go back to their homeland, I would not lose any sleep over them at all.
Another method of research, is the library, remember the library? Big place with lots of books and dust. Usually watched over by a stern spinster who constantly shushed you LOL.
Catch yas
Cathy
You all need to get a freaking clue. It's that fucking simple. Don't hop online type a question into google and believe the first thing you read. Read more! Do actual research on the topic. If it's something written by some random stranger who has never been recognised as a scientist, doctor or an expert in their field, then guess what, they aren't. They are John or Jane Citizen. They are voicing their own ill conceived views that have been collected from other people who also don't have a clue. I admit to being someone without any higher schooling or someone who has worked in a specialised field, I'm Jane Citizen, nobody. But I can get online and write my opinion on something and someone could believe it.
Of course it would have to be something so out there it's freaking crazy but someone, somewhere would believe it. One day, a person, much like you or I decided to get online and start promoting against vaccinations. A few people read it, and believed it because hey why would they lie. They say that they have experienced it themselves, and oh look at the picture of their cute little healthy family, living the good life and they haven't been vaccinated, oh and look they shared a picture of a friends family, and they have 2 autistic kids and they have been vaccinated. The brains churn with this info and instantly, the reader has a cause. They think to themselves, well it must be true, look at all these facts, there's a quote from a doctor here. Seriously people get a freaking clue. I could build an online profile saying that I'm a doctor and who would step up (apart from my family and friends who all hate me LOL) and say I was lying? Instead of reading this misinformation from John or Jane Citizen, do your fucking research. Speak to doctors yourself, your own doctor, a real fucking doctor. Look up facts online, from reputable scientists, and they will tell you, getting your child vaccinated does not cause autism. Your child is born autistic, and that's a damn fact. It's not a disease, it's not something you can catch at school, you are born autistic.
Sure there are some children who have severe reactions. And there are others who cannot for medical reasons get vaccinated. But, that does not give you the right to expose your unvaccinated germ of a child to a newborn who hasn't had the chance to get vaccinations to chicken pox or measles etc. Get this into your head. It's a proven fact that these mild childhood diseases can and have killed. Don't get on your high horse and say it's your right to choose to not vaccinate, without having the common sense to realise that you do not have the right to expose other children or adults to the diseases your children may have. A simple way to help with the reactions, is to ask your doctor to give the shots separately. Don't go and get all of them at once. Space it out, but wait that makes sense, well at least it does to me, so it must be bullshit. I was asked if I wanted to do that with my son, I chose not to and apart from a temp he was fine. Same with my girls, although I wasn't asked for them. And not one of my kids is autistic. I was vaccinated, and I'm reasonably fine (apart from the mental issues my family keeps alluding too LOL).
The next point I want to make is about the proven hoax regarding abortion clinics selling body parts of babies. Ummm, okay. Some idiots filmed a fake expose, got caught, and admitted it was all a lie, and got charged and sued. But if you actually researched you would find that info easy enough. Instead John or Jane Citizen get online and decry the right of women to choose because we all know they sell the baby body parts, it was on the net right, must be true. And my taxes are paying for it. Despite the fact it's proven that this is not the case, and even the government admits the funding does not cover abortions, it must be true cause I read it online.
And then there's Sharia Law. Seriously this one gets me every single time. There is no Sharia Law in any western country, and you know why? We are democracies, the government cannot suddenly decide that it's okay without listening to the people. And unless your government is suddenly taken over by extreme Muslims, it's not going to fucking happen. Okay now you might be thinking, if we let Muslims in they will demand it as a right and it will be enforced, we can't let that happen. What the hell makes you think normal Muslims want it? Have you sat down and chatted to them? Have they passed out flyers saying vote for Sharia Law? Yeh, didn't think so. I don't want it, no one I know does, and that includes the Muslims I know. Just because someone posts a meme saying that it's about to become law, does not make it so. I make memes alot, I enjoy it, doesn't make what I say on them true, in fact they are all made as jokes. They aren't based on facts or figures, they are fun.
Now, I'm not saying that we should just go ahead and let anyone into our country without vetting. I have no problem at all with taking immigrants off the streets and deporting them if they attack anyone in my country. And I don't have a problem with deporting them even if they say they will be killed if they go back to their homeland, I would not lose any sleep over them at all.
Another method of research, is the library, remember the library? Big place with lots of books and dust. Usually watched over by a stern spinster who constantly shushed you LOL.
Catch yas
Cathy
Sunday, June 18, 2017
That Time of Year Again
I hate this time of year. Not because it's Winter, because I love Winter. Not because it's almost tax time, I never have to pay extra so that's a good thing. Not because it's the middle of yet another year, and it's raced past. Nope this is the time of year, in fact in 3 days, that I lost my love. For those of you who know me, you know that this happened back on the 21st June 1993, so quite some time ago. A day doesn't go past that I haven't thought of Don in the last 24 years. It's easier of course, the first year is always the hardest as everyone says, but it still fucking sucks.
He has missed out on so much, our kids growing up, our daughters getting married and having children. Our son maturing into a wonderful young man, celebrating his anniversary with his much loved girlfriend this weekend. His boys are so much older now, well yeh of course they are, we all are. The world is a different place. So many new inventions, so many medical breakthroughs, so many others who we have loved have now joined him, living only in our hearts and minds. And of course he has been missed.
I don't dwell on what could of been. I learnt a long time ago that that is pointless and heartbreaking. I do wonder what he would make of our lives now. One thing I am sure of is that he would be so proud of his children and grandchildren. Even after all these years I can still remember in detail the call from the hospital, the drive over there, and the heartbreak that followed. I remember the next day and the day after, I remember it all. And at this time of year it all comes back. The lead up memories until the culmination on the 21st. That is always the hardest day.
Each day I get up and get dressed, just like the day before and the same as I will tomorrow. I live on, I deal, I have to and I will continue to do so. Don is in my heart, he is in my soul, and always will be.
Because this is the time of year I am most depressed I find it harder to deal with Mum. But deal with Mum I must. We went shopping today because I worked Saturday, and every time we were at a checkout, she complained about her daughter not letting her do something or other. Normally I would of just made a joke of it, but this time of year, it hurts. I know that once I'm passed this, it will get back to normal (not that anything is normal anymore) but today it hurts. Telling Mum today that operating her 2 button dryer is easy, and that I wrote instructions for both the dryer and washing machine down for her, wasn't frustrating, it wasn't even something I could work up a joke over, it was just depressing. Trying to drum up a laugh at her stories, or memories that are just total bullshit was just to hard. I didn't argue with her, I didn't talk much at all. I just locked myself in my head.
Some days all I want to do is just curl up in a corner and do nothing. It's all just too fucking hard. Mum will talk about going for a drive, something I know she loves to do, and I do enjoy driving, but the thought of listening to her at the moment is just to damn much, I need this time of year to be quiet. I don't need drama, I don't need to be reminded that my once vital mother, who loved working, patchwork, shopping and visiting friends is no more. So yeh, locked in my head all day. In one way I'm glad I'm working this week, there's less time to think, less time to pretend to myself that I feel okay. I'll just fake it and no one will know.
Sorry this is not my usual upbeat blog guys, but this is my current reality.
Catch yas
Cathy
He has missed out on so much, our kids growing up, our daughters getting married and having children. Our son maturing into a wonderful young man, celebrating his anniversary with his much loved girlfriend this weekend. His boys are so much older now, well yeh of course they are, we all are. The world is a different place. So many new inventions, so many medical breakthroughs, so many others who we have loved have now joined him, living only in our hearts and minds. And of course he has been missed.
I don't dwell on what could of been. I learnt a long time ago that that is pointless and heartbreaking. I do wonder what he would make of our lives now. One thing I am sure of is that he would be so proud of his children and grandchildren. Even after all these years I can still remember in detail the call from the hospital, the drive over there, and the heartbreak that followed. I remember the next day and the day after, I remember it all. And at this time of year it all comes back. The lead up memories until the culmination on the 21st. That is always the hardest day.
Each day I get up and get dressed, just like the day before and the same as I will tomorrow. I live on, I deal, I have to and I will continue to do so. Don is in my heart, he is in my soul, and always will be.
Because this is the time of year I am most depressed I find it harder to deal with Mum. But deal with Mum I must. We went shopping today because I worked Saturday, and every time we were at a checkout, she complained about her daughter not letting her do something or other. Normally I would of just made a joke of it, but this time of year, it hurts. I know that once I'm passed this, it will get back to normal (not that anything is normal anymore) but today it hurts. Telling Mum today that operating her 2 button dryer is easy, and that I wrote instructions for both the dryer and washing machine down for her, wasn't frustrating, it wasn't even something I could work up a joke over, it was just depressing. Trying to drum up a laugh at her stories, or memories that are just total bullshit was just to hard. I didn't argue with her, I didn't talk much at all. I just locked myself in my head.
Some days all I want to do is just curl up in a corner and do nothing. It's all just too fucking hard. Mum will talk about going for a drive, something I know she loves to do, and I do enjoy driving, but the thought of listening to her at the moment is just to damn much, I need this time of year to be quiet. I don't need drama, I don't need to be reminded that my once vital mother, who loved working, patchwork, shopping and visiting friends is no more. So yeh, locked in my head all day. In one way I'm glad I'm working this week, there's less time to think, less time to pretend to myself that I feel okay. I'll just fake it and no one will know.
Sorry this is not my usual upbeat blog guys, but this is my current reality.
Catch yas
Cathy
Saturday, May 27, 2017
Life in the Twilight Zone - Ummm What
So the other day I had a totally bizarre convo with Mum, well most of our convos are bizarre these days, but this one had me stumped.
Mum: "So how's Dale doing at school?"
Me: "He doesn't go to school."
Mum: "What? Is he being truant?"
Me: "No."
I was driving when we had this convo so I was trying to concentrate on that and not run us off the side of a cliff, or into a tree.
Mum: "Oh no, he didn't leave early did he? Surely he's not old enough."
Me: "He's 26 Mum, so yeh he's old enough."
Mum: "What? How can he be that old already?"
Me: "Well he had these things called birthdays Mum, and well he was born in 1991."
Mum: "That's impossible, that much time can't have gone past"
Me" "Well sorry but yeh it has."
Mum: "But he moved with his father to Queensland, seems like only yesterday."
At this point I realised, thankfully she wasn't talking about Dale, she was talking about Jayden, my grandson.
Me: "Oh, you're talking about Jayden."
Mum: "That's who I said, Dale."
Me: "You just said Dale again Mum."
Mum: "Rubbish, I know what I'm saying."
At that stage she started to sulk, while I drove along rolling my eyes LOL.
Oh and the allowance thingie I talked about last blog, well yeh that's changed. She went great for a week, second week, she'd spent her full allowance in one day.
Me: "Mum, what did you spend the money on."
Mum: "Well I had coffee and got the paper."
Me: "Good, I'm glad, but that didn't cost $70."
Mum: "I bought some other stuff."
Me: "What else did you buy Mum? You certainly didn't need anything because we went shopping on Saturday, and on Sunday you spent the whole of your allowance."
Mum: "Why would I spend that much money in one day?"
Me: "That's what I'm asking Mum."
Mum: "Your brother must of taken it, or you forgot to give it to me."
She has a habit of blaming Andrew for all sorts of things, he doesn't care, he ignores it all LOL. She once told me he'd sold her blower vac, I'd asked her if she'd checked the shed, and she had said, no he won't let me in there. I asked Andrew for the vac, and he got it straight out of the shed LOL. Oh and he apparently also sold her mower, sitting at my place cause I'd borrowed it, her garden shears, sitting in the cupboard where she'd left them, and numerous other things, which have all since been located, oh and her broken ladder, which is a scream cause hey it's broken, and again at my place LOL.
So she did this for 2 weeks, and now I've decided to withhold, I leave her with $20 in her wallet, and she thinks that's all she has for the week. Magically more will appear during the week LOL, But she is not wasting her money left right and centre. I was limiting her spending to get a load of firewood for her, that's now done, and she's still in the black in her account, the next big bill which will come in will be the car rego, and after that I plan on saving for her to get a new dryer. Normally she'd have nothing, and be at the full overdraft limit, and not remember what she spent any of it on. Now I have the control over it all, she has credit for the first time in years. And yet she is unaware of it LOL, but that's a good thing, if she understood it all, she'd be over at the bank getting her money LOL.
Oh and that's another thing, the firewood. I went around to pop some more money in her wallet, and let her know when we were going shopping, told her about the firewood and the great bargain I got for her, and what did she say? If you're thinking thanks, you'd be wrong. She proceeded to whine about how cold her house was, how the washing couldn't get dry, how she was so tired and bored. I reiterated the fact I'd organised the firewood, and she reiterated all her whining. I understand this is hard for her, so I just quietly listened but on the inside, I was screaming.
Anyway enough from me for now, got a shitload of yard work to get done, yes yard work, and I hate it LOL.
Catch yas
Cathy
Mum: "So how's Dale doing at school?"
Me: "He doesn't go to school."
Mum: "What? Is he being truant?"
Me: "No."
I was driving when we had this convo so I was trying to concentrate on that and not run us off the side of a cliff, or into a tree.
Mum: "Oh no, he didn't leave early did he? Surely he's not old enough."
Me: "He's 26 Mum, so yeh he's old enough."
Mum: "What? How can he be that old already?"
Me: "Well he had these things called birthdays Mum, and well he was born in 1991."
Mum: "That's impossible, that much time can't have gone past"
Me" "Well sorry but yeh it has."
Mum: "But he moved with his father to Queensland, seems like only yesterday."
At this point I realised, thankfully she wasn't talking about Dale, she was talking about Jayden, my grandson.
Me: "Oh, you're talking about Jayden."
Mum: "That's who I said, Dale."
Me: "You just said Dale again Mum."
Mum: "Rubbish, I know what I'm saying."
At that stage she started to sulk, while I drove along rolling my eyes LOL.
Oh and the allowance thingie I talked about last blog, well yeh that's changed. She went great for a week, second week, she'd spent her full allowance in one day.
Me: "Mum, what did you spend the money on."
Mum: "Well I had coffee and got the paper."
Me: "Good, I'm glad, but that didn't cost $70."
Mum: "I bought some other stuff."
Me: "What else did you buy Mum? You certainly didn't need anything because we went shopping on Saturday, and on Sunday you spent the whole of your allowance."
Mum: "Why would I spend that much money in one day?"
Me: "That's what I'm asking Mum."
Mum: "Your brother must of taken it, or you forgot to give it to me."
She has a habit of blaming Andrew for all sorts of things, he doesn't care, he ignores it all LOL. She once told me he'd sold her blower vac, I'd asked her if she'd checked the shed, and she had said, no he won't let me in there. I asked Andrew for the vac, and he got it straight out of the shed LOL. Oh and he apparently also sold her mower, sitting at my place cause I'd borrowed it, her garden shears, sitting in the cupboard where she'd left them, and numerous other things, which have all since been located, oh and her broken ladder, which is a scream cause hey it's broken, and again at my place LOL.
So she did this for 2 weeks, and now I've decided to withhold, I leave her with $20 in her wallet, and she thinks that's all she has for the week. Magically more will appear during the week LOL, But she is not wasting her money left right and centre. I was limiting her spending to get a load of firewood for her, that's now done, and she's still in the black in her account, the next big bill which will come in will be the car rego, and after that I plan on saving for her to get a new dryer. Normally she'd have nothing, and be at the full overdraft limit, and not remember what she spent any of it on. Now I have the control over it all, she has credit for the first time in years. And yet she is unaware of it LOL, but that's a good thing, if she understood it all, she'd be over at the bank getting her money LOL.
Oh and that's another thing, the firewood. I went around to pop some more money in her wallet, and let her know when we were going shopping, told her about the firewood and the great bargain I got for her, and what did she say? If you're thinking thanks, you'd be wrong. She proceeded to whine about how cold her house was, how the washing couldn't get dry, how she was so tired and bored. I reiterated the fact I'd organised the firewood, and she reiterated all her whining. I understand this is hard for her, so I just quietly listened but on the inside, I was screaming.
Anyway enough from me for now, got a shitload of yard work to get done, yes yard work, and I hate it LOL.
Catch yas
Cathy
Thursday, March 23, 2017
Life in the Twilight Zone - How much allowance is too much?
Yesterday it became obvious that Mum is no longer able to handle her own banking. I turned up to pick her up for shopping, and as always checked her wallet to make sure she had her eftpos card. She didn't, and she didn't have enough cash for shopping. I asked her where it was and she had no idea, I also noticed her pension card was not where I'd put it in her wallet. She didn't know where that was either. And so began the epic hunt for the card.
I turned her house upside down looking for it, nothing. Found the pension card tucked away in her wardrobe, yes I wondered why it was in there too, but was no point in asking her cause she wouldn't have any idea or she'd claim my brother must of hidden it there. Why he'd want to hide it, or even care about it has me beat.
"Mum when did you last use your card, I know you had it Saturday because I saw it."
"Oh, I used it Saturday."
"No Mum you didn't, you had cash was no need to use the card."
"So why did you say I had it."
"Because you did Mum, but you didn't need it."
"Well that doesn't make sense"
"Mum, just tell me when you last used it."
"Well I lost it, then the man at the bank told me I couldn't have any of my money and he took the card off me and wouldn't give it back."
I found that highly doubtful, especially when there is no men working at her branch.
"We will just have to wait for the bank to open and go and report it lost then."
"Oh okay, where did you put it?"
"Nevermind Mum, we'll go to the bank."
Turns out she had gone to the bank to report it lost on Friday, so they cancelled it and requested a replacement. She had no money in her account, so she was limited to shopping with here $55 in cash, which she did easily as she didn't need much, she wanted a lot just didn't need it and I was merciless.
While in the bank, I spoke to them about what I had to do re Power of Attorney, I realised it was time. I planned to pick it up from the lawyers and take it to the bank, giving me power over her account without her present. So I go to the bank, and apparently, not only did she report it lost on Friday, had it on her on Saturday, she tried to use it in the ATM on Monday and naturally the card got taken. The lady said that she had seemed very confused and thought it was Pension Day. I thanked them both for their understanding and the plan was that I would keep the card when it came and give Mum an allowance, and as they have the Power of Attorney, if she goes into the bank to report her card lost, they know to either contact me, or recommend she call me. She did not know this plan LOL.
Anyway, I'm around there this afternoon, took some clothes around I'd run through my dryer for her, and tackled some of the expired food in her pantry. 3 bags of crap I had to throw out, and I bought 2 back here with me, and her pantry still looks full lol. I was talking to my brother about the card, he'd hid it from Mum when it came, and she comes over and says,
"Cathy, when the new card comes I'd like you to take it for me. I thought that maybe I could have an allowance, and wouldn't have to worry about losing the card again."
Talk about gobsmacked LOL.
"Oh, ummm that's a great idea Mum."
"I was thinking if you gave me $100 a week, so I can still get my coffee and paper and anything else I might need."
And then I thought, she does not need $100 for coffee and a paper everyday, she is obviously still thinking she can go to the shops and buy more shit she doesn't need.
"Mum, I'm thinking $50 will be enough. If you do need anything at the shops, just let me know and I can give you more, or Andrew can get it for you."
She didn't look to impressed with that one, but grudgingly accepted it. Now I know that tomorrow she will have forgotten the whole conversation, but it was wonderful that she suggested it. I knew that I was going to do it anyway, but the whole idea was depressing me no end, and so when she suggested it, and I have my brother as a witness, it made the decision so much easier.
I'm expecting a call asking if I know where her card is any minute now LOL.
Catch yas
Cathy
I turned her house upside down looking for it, nothing. Found the pension card tucked away in her wardrobe, yes I wondered why it was in there too, but was no point in asking her cause she wouldn't have any idea or she'd claim my brother must of hidden it there. Why he'd want to hide it, or even care about it has me beat.
"Mum when did you last use your card, I know you had it Saturday because I saw it."
"Oh, I used it Saturday."
"No Mum you didn't, you had cash was no need to use the card."
"So why did you say I had it."
"Because you did Mum, but you didn't need it."
"Well that doesn't make sense"
"Mum, just tell me when you last used it."
"Well I lost it, then the man at the bank told me I couldn't have any of my money and he took the card off me and wouldn't give it back."
I found that highly doubtful, especially when there is no men working at her branch.
"We will just have to wait for the bank to open and go and report it lost then."
"Oh okay, where did you put it?"
"Nevermind Mum, we'll go to the bank."
Turns out she had gone to the bank to report it lost on Friday, so they cancelled it and requested a replacement. She had no money in her account, so she was limited to shopping with here $55 in cash, which she did easily as she didn't need much, she wanted a lot just didn't need it and I was merciless.
While in the bank, I spoke to them about what I had to do re Power of Attorney, I realised it was time. I planned to pick it up from the lawyers and take it to the bank, giving me power over her account without her present. So I go to the bank, and apparently, not only did she report it lost on Friday, had it on her on Saturday, she tried to use it in the ATM on Monday and naturally the card got taken. The lady said that she had seemed very confused and thought it was Pension Day. I thanked them both for their understanding and the plan was that I would keep the card when it came and give Mum an allowance, and as they have the Power of Attorney, if she goes into the bank to report her card lost, they know to either contact me, or recommend she call me. She did not know this plan LOL.
Anyway, I'm around there this afternoon, took some clothes around I'd run through my dryer for her, and tackled some of the expired food in her pantry. 3 bags of crap I had to throw out, and I bought 2 back here with me, and her pantry still looks full lol. I was talking to my brother about the card, he'd hid it from Mum when it came, and she comes over and says,
"Cathy, when the new card comes I'd like you to take it for me. I thought that maybe I could have an allowance, and wouldn't have to worry about losing the card again."
Talk about gobsmacked LOL.
"Oh, ummm that's a great idea Mum."
"I was thinking if you gave me $100 a week, so I can still get my coffee and paper and anything else I might need."
And then I thought, she does not need $100 for coffee and a paper everyday, she is obviously still thinking she can go to the shops and buy more shit she doesn't need.
"Mum, I'm thinking $50 will be enough. If you do need anything at the shops, just let me know and I can give you more, or Andrew can get it for you."
She didn't look to impressed with that one, but grudgingly accepted it. Now I know that tomorrow she will have forgotten the whole conversation, but it was wonderful that she suggested it. I knew that I was going to do it anyway, but the whole idea was depressing me no end, and so when she suggested it, and I have my brother as a witness, it made the decision so much easier.
I'm expecting a call asking if I know where her card is any minute now LOL.
Catch yas
Cathy
Friday, March 17, 2017
Shadowland
While I was tossing and turning last night, that's how I began to think of my mind. It's a shadowland. Full of past thoughts and things learnt, brimming with experience and regret. Overflowing with what ifs and whys, an endless space crammed full of absolute crap meaningless and random, my memories swirl together in some macabre dance that only the precious sleep of nothingness can end.
My brain flits from one shadow to the next, following a random path that leads nowhere but keeps my head spinning, unable to shut down. I'd like to be able to design a switch that I can just shut off before trying to go to sleep, unfortunately when I've tried my mind goes off on some weird tangent about what if we could just switch off, or maybe we could do it this, or how about....... and the spinning continues. Or I'll relive a memory in every horrible detail, I rarely have good memories while trying to sleep, I try to turn away and think of something wonderful, but my brain does not respond.
I remember every single moment from the time the hospital called me 24 years ago. I remember loading the kids in the car, taking them to the in laws and picking up my sister in law. I remember driving, I even remember the amount of traffic and the fact we got 3 red lights. I didn't speed, there was no point. I knew it in my heart that he was gone despite them not saying anything over the phone. I remember getting in the elevator and going up to the 3rd floor and being greeted by the sister on the floor that night. I remember clutching my hands together in the vain hope all would be fine, and I was just over reacting. I knew from the look on her face he was gone, I remember doubling over in pain. I remember walking up to the room he was in, and just letting go. I remember it all and at first I used to relive it constantly, now it is one of those memories that will suddenly come out, and even while reliving it all over again, I'll wonder at how it could still all be exactly the same after all this time.
The next night I'll be trying to sleep and it won't be anything about memories, just random stupid thoughts. I might for some reason think of putting on some washing in the morning, then it will switch to how great it would be to be able to afford to send all my laundry out and have someone else do it, or have a maid, and of course that will lead to my state of wealth, and then onto winning the lottery, what would I do with the money. I'd buy a house of course, oh what about furniture, or how big the house, and then there's the garden. I hate gardening, but hey I've won the lottery, I could have people to do it for me. Next random leap would be to oh have people that's so funny, and I could say my people will get in contact with your people, and then I'd be off thinking about a movie where I was the main character with people LOL.
See what I mean, it's a real shadowland, and you don't want to get trapped there. I would like to be able to go to bed, switch off the lamp and have my brain switch off at the same time. Even if I get a good nights sleep, hour wise, I still wake up exhausted because my brain has been in overtime all night. Would be nice to get paid for all that overtime LOL.
The shadows of memories and experiences chase each other around and around. I have a word that sometimes works but not always, it's PUSH. I'll be lying there thoughts spinning and just repeat over and over PUSH. Sometimes it works other times it leads to me suddenly thinking about a pushbike, oh I remember my old dragster well, secondhand piece of crap but I thought it was awesome, or pushing baby Tara down to her grandparents place or around the block because she was teething and restless, or pushing a swing, hey swings are cool, and off we go again.
So there we have it, shadowland, and I think it's aptly named. I got 5 hrs sleep last night, had to take Mum shopping this morning and I'm totally and utterly exhausted. I could try a nap but my brain might start again LOL.
Catch yas
Cathy
My brain flits from one shadow to the next, following a random path that leads nowhere but keeps my head spinning, unable to shut down. I'd like to be able to design a switch that I can just shut off before trying to go to sleep, unfortunately when I've tried my mind goes off on some weird tangent about what if we could just switch off, or maybe we could do it this, or how about....... and the spinning continues. Or I'll relive a memory in every horrible detail, I rarely have good memories while trying to sleep, I try to turn away and think of something wonderful, but my brain does not respond.
I remember every single moment from the time the hospital called me 24 years ago. I remember loading the kids in the car, taking them to the in laws and picking up my sister in law. I remember driving, I even remember the amount of traffic and the fact we got 3 red lights. I didn't speed, there was no point. I knew it in my heart that he was gone despite them not saying anything over the phone. I remember getting in the elevator and going up to the 3rd floor and being greeted by the sister on the floor that night. I remember clutching my hands together in the vain hope all would be fine, and I was just over reacting. I knew from the look on her face he was gone, I remember doubling over in pain. I remember walking up to the room he was in, and just letting go. I remember it all and at first I used to relive it constantly, now it is one of those memories that will suddenly come out, and even while reliving it all over again, I'll wonder at how it could still all be exactly the same after all this time.
The next night I'll be trying to sleep and it won't be anything about memories, just random stupid thoughts. I might for some reason think of putting on some washing in the morning, then it will switch to how great it would be to be able to afford to send all my laundry out and have someone else do it, or have a maid, and of course that will lead to my state of wealth, and then onto winning the lottery, what would I do with the money. I'd buy a house of course, oh what about furniture, or how big the house, and then there's the garden. I hate gardening, but hey I've won the lottery, I could have people to do it for me. Next random leap would be to oh have people that's so funny, and I could say my people will get in contact with your people, and then I'd be off thinking about a movie where I was the main character with people LOL.
See what I mean, it's a real shadowland, and you don't want to get trapped there. I would like to be able to go to bed, switch off the lamp and have my brain switch off at the same time. Even if I get a good nights sleep, hour wise, I still wake up exhausted because my brain has been in overtime all night. Would be nice to get paid for all that overtime LOL.
The shadows of memories and experiences chase each other around and around. I have a word that sometimes works but not always, it's PUSH. I'll be lying there thoughts spinning and just repeat over and over PUSH. Sometimes it works other times it leads to me suddenly thinking about a pushbike, oh I remember my old dragster well, secondhand piece of crap but I thought it was awesome, or pushing baby Tara down to her grandparents place or around the block because she was teething and restless, or pushing a swing, hey swings are cool, and off we go again.
So there we have it, shadowland, and I think it's aptly named. I got 5 hrs sleep last night, had to take Mum shopping this morning and I'm totally and utterly exhausted. I could try a nap but my brain might start again LOL.
Catch yas
Cathy
Saturday, March 11, 2017
Smiling on the Outside
I suffer from anxiety and depression, like many others, and I feel it differently to them, just like they feel it differently to me. The same general feelings are there, but it's how we feel about them on the inside that is different because we are all different, and the reasons for our anxiety and depression are different.
What happened to my fellow sufferers to trigger it did not happen to me, the act itself could of been the same, but the way we feel about it is not the same. No one can say to me they know how I feel, just as I can't say it to them. The same with anything else, like when my husband died, you can offer sympathy you might even be able to relate, but we all know that you could not possibly know how I felt. Your feelings are not my feelings, and again there is the same general feelings, loss, hurt, despair, but mine are not the same as yours.
For me it's a build up, gradually over the years, married to a man who mentally abused me, and manipulated me into believing that I wasn't good enough, that I could never leave as no one would want me. Getting up each day and looking after the kids while going to work and smiling and laughing was a disguise, an excellent disguise as no one knew. Sure they knew he drank, but they also knew he didn't physically abuse me so how could I be suffering. I'm stubborn, just ask anyone who does know me LOL, and I did not speak up because this relationship was what I wanted, but in reality it wasn't but I felt to powerless to say anything. I've always presented as a strong minded woman who knew what she wanted, so how could I be so weak and ask for help, how could I let anyone see what was happening. I couldn't, so I didn't. I stayed quiet. What gave me the strength to leave was the kids. Staying for the kids is the worst reason for staying in a marriage or relationship ever, the absolute worst. And yet that was one of the reasons I stayed in the first place. But seeing how they were being affected, and the final fight when he told me to get out but leave the kids as he drunkenly leaned over me with a raised fist, was enough for me. I was lucky, I had a wonderful friend who took us in no questions asked.
Finding somewhere to live close to work and daycare, as I had no car, was an absolute must. I even had to get a furnished place as I had nothing. Just when I was starting to get it together the early morning phone calls started, always with some song playing and him trying to drunkenly woo me back. I'd stare at the closed door to the girls room and remain strong, I wasn't going anywhere. Waking up at 2 in the morning as he revved his car outside the flat, or the 3 am visit when he threw a rock through my bedroom window, led to me jumping at shadows. 1 night my brother was babysitting for me so I could go out to the local club, I came walking home and saw his car parked just down the road from my flat. I couldn't move, I stood there shaking, all the pleasure of a rare night out gone in an instant. I hid behind a tree, not sure what to do, when a passing headlight picked out the phone booth, I ducked in and called the police.
Fortune smiled on me in the form or a former school mate, who just happened to pick up the call. He moved my ex along quickly, followed him home so he wouldn't have an accident and he could be sure he didn't come back. I found out once I got home that he had tried to get into the flat but my brother stood firm and wouldn't let him in. I don't imagine he would of hurt the girls, not physically at least, but to find their father standing there yelling and swearing while drunk would not of been a mental image anyone would want.
With everything going on I still had to get up and go to work. One morning I dropped the girls off at daycare and just walked. I walked and walked, no idea where, just kept walking. About 3 hrs after I was supposed to start work, my boss drove up, I had finally stopped walking and was sitting in a bus stop. We talked, I cried, she cried, but I just couldn't do it anymore, I needed to quit my job. A job that I loved, but I was not dealing with life and I needed to be able to do that.
It took me a while before I could trust a man again, oh sure I trusted my brothers, and dad, and my male friends, but you know what I mean, no one was coming into my life. I was introduced to Don by my ex sister and brother in law LOL. Yep she was my exes sister and I was living with them and their 2 boys. They thought that Don would be perfect for me, I was skeptical LOL. What pushed me over was my youngests reaction, she would not let men near her, even her uncle who lived with us, but she liked Don. We moved in together, his sister and her family immigrated and we had Dale. Life was good. He was what I had been waiting for my whole life. But of course, life is cruel. We hadn't been married a year when he died of a heart attack. If it hadn't been for the kids I don't know what would of happened to me. They were what kept me going yet again.
Life hasn't been easy, raising kids alone never is, but it was the way it had to be.
You may or may not know that I work in a call centre at home. It's awesome, I don't have to get up and get dressed with make up and all. And it helps hide me, yep I'm admitting it. It hides me. I can smile and chat over the phone, but the second the call ends the smile disappears. I get told constantly how cheerful I am by callers and those who listen to the recorded calls, but that's the outside me, not the inside me. If I'm having a bad day the inside me is screaming or crying. But I've learnt to hide it well, after all I hid it from my kids for years because I didn't want them to feel they couldn't rely on Mum or that there was anything wrong. They didn't need to grow up in the shadow of Mum's problems. Now they are adults they know most of it. I don't sleep well, haven't for years. I've never had counselling because I'm tougher than that (yeh right). It's more that I'm too damn stubborn to admit to a weakness, but it's not a weakness, I just have to remember that.
I don't want you all to think that every day I walk around with voices screaming and crying in my head LOL, cause that's not it at all. I can tell when I'm going to start going down hill, there's nothing I can do about it, but I can tell, I can recognise the signs. I'll sit and stare at nothing, while a voice in my head tries to examine every little step I've taken over the years and what I could of done to change it. I recognise that this all happened and I can't change it, and that I would of made the same decisions I made then, but I tell myself I could of changed it, that I was weak.
Some days I can hear someone shouting up the road and my whole stomach seizes up and I start to feel sick, other days I'm walking up the drive way to listen in LOL. I don't get out of the house enough, I know that, but it's my safe zone, it's hard to leave.
So there you have it folks, my anxiety in a nut shell. Okay there is alot more to it than that, but I needed to get this down and get it out there. My way of dealing with it, I guess. I used to write poems, still do on occasion, but I handle depression and anxiety by getting it written down, I also vent alot on the pc lol.
Catch yas
Cathy
What happened to my fellow sufferers to trigger it did not happen to me, the act itself could of been the same, but the way we feel about it is not the same. No one can say to me they know how I feel, just as I can't say it to them. The same with anything else, like when my husband died, you can offer sympathy you might even be able to relate, but we all know that you could not possibly know how I felt. Your feelings are not my feelings, and again there is the same general feelings, loss, hurt, despair, but mine are not the same as yours.
For me it's a build up, gradually over the years, married to a man who mentally abused me, and manipulated me into believing that I wasn't good enough, that I could never leave as no one would want me. Getting up each day and looking after the kids while going to work and smiling and laughing was a disguise, an excellent disguise as no one knew. Sure they knew he drank, but they also knew he didn't physically abuse me so how could I be suffering. I'm stubborn, just ask anyone who does know me LOL, and I did not speak up because this relationship was what I wanted, but in reality it wasn't but I felt to powerless to say anything. I've always presented as a strong minded woman who knew what she wanted, so how could I be so weak and ask for help, how could I let anyone see what was happening. I couldn't, so I didn't. I stayed quiet. What gave me the strength to leave was the kids. Staying for the kids is the worst reason for staying in a marriage or relationship ever, the absolute worst. And yet that was one of the reasons I stayed in the first place. But seeing how they were being affected, and the final fight when he told me to get out but leave the kids as he drunkenly leaned over me with a raised fist, was enough for me. I was lucky, I had a wonderful friend who took us in no questions asked.
Finding somewhere to live close to work and daycare, as I had no car, was an absolute must. I even had to get a furnished place as I had nothing. Just when I was starting to get it together the early morning phone calls started, always with some song playing and him trying to drunkenly woo me back. I'd stare at the closed door to the girls room and remain strong, I wasn't going anywhere. Waking up at 2 in the morning as he revved his car outside the flat, or the 3 am visit when he threw a rock through my bedroom window, led to me jumping at shadows. 1 night my brother was babysitting for me so I could go out to the local club, I came walking home and saw his car parked just down the road from my flat. I couldn't move, I stood there shaking, all the pleasure of a rare night out gone in an instant. I hid behind a tree, not sure what to do, when a passing headlight picked out the phone booth, I ducked in and called the police.
Fortune smiled on me in the form or a former school mate, who just happened to pick up the call. He moved my ex along quickly, followed him home so he wouldn't have an accident and he could be sure he didn't come back. I found out once I got home that he had tried to get into the flat but my brother stood firm and wouldn't let him in. I don't imagine he would of hurt the girls, not physically at least, but to find their father standing there yelling and swearing while drunk would not of been a mental image anyone would want.
With everything going on I still had to get up and go to work. One morning I dropped the girls off at daycare and just walked. I walked and walked, no idea where, just kept walking. About 3 hrs after I was supposed to start work, my boss drove up, I had finally stopped walking and was sitting in a bus stop. We talked, I cried, she cried, but I just couldn't do it anymore, I needed to quit my job. A job that I loved, but I was not dealing with life and I needed to be able to do that.
It took me a while before I could trust a man again, oh sure I trusted my brothers, and dad, and my male friends, but you know what I mean, no one was coming into my life. I was introduced to Don by my ex sister and brother in law LOL. Yep she was my exes sister and I was living with them and their 2 boys. They thought that Don would be perfect for me, I was skeptical LOL. What pushed me over was my youngests reaction, she would not let men near her, even her uncle who lived with us, but she liked Don. We moved in together, his sister and her family immigrated and we had Dale. Life was good. He was what I had been waiting for my whole life. But of course, life is cruel. We hadn't been married a year when he died of a heart attack. If it hadn't been for the kids I don't know what would of happened to me. They were what kept me going yet again.
Life hasn't been easy, raising kids alone never is, but it was the way it had to be.
You may or may not know that I work in a call centre at home. It's awesome, I don't have to get up and get dressed with make up and all. And it helps hide me, yep I'm admitting it. It hides me. I can smile and chat over the phone, but the second the call ends the smile disappears. I get told constantly how cheerful I am by callers and those who listen to the recorded calls, but that's the outside me, not the inside me. If I'm having a bad day the inside me is screaming or crying. But I've learnt to hide it well, after all I hid it from my kids for years because I didn't want them to feel they couldn't rely on Mum or that there was anything wrong. They didn't need to grow up in the shadow of Mum's problems. Now they are adults they know most of it. I don't sleep well, haven't for years. I've never had counselling because I'm tougher than that (yeh right). It's more that I'm too damn stubborn to admit to a weakness, but it's not a weakness, I just have to remember that.
I don't want you all to think that every day I walk around with voices screaming and crying in my head LOL, cause that's not it at all. I can tell when I'm going to start going down hill, there's nothing I can do about it, but I can tell, I can recognise the signs. I'll sit and stare at nothing, while a voice in my head tries to examine every little step I've taken over the years and what I could of done to change it. I recognise that this all happened and I can't change it, and that I would of made the same decisions I made then, but I tell myself I could of changed it, that I was weak.
Some days I can hear someone shouting up the road and my whole stomach seizes up and I start to feel sick, other days I'm walking up the drive way to listen in LOL. I don't get out of the house enough, I know that, but it's my safe zone, it's hard to leave.
So there you have it folks, my anxiety in a nut shell. Okay there is alot more to it than that, but I needed to get this down and get it out there. My way of dealing with it, I guess. I used to write poems, still do on occasion, but I handle depression and anxiety by getting it written down, I also vent alot on the pc lol.
Catch yas
Cathy
Tuesday, February 14, 2017
Pro Choice and Proud of It
Living in Australia, I'm not as affected by what is going on in the USA debate Pro Choice and Pro Life. I actually don't like the name Pro Life, I don't believe that anybody who is Pro Choice is not Pro Life, in fact unless you're some insane terrorist or serial killer, I'm pretty sure we are all Pro Life. Even serial killers are probably Pro Life cause hey if they don't have anyone alive to kill how are they going to get their rocks off.
I don't believe in abortion as a form of birth control, never have and never will. I don't get how women can just get up one morning find out they are pregnant, shrug their shoulders and go off to the clinic. Having an abortion is not and should never be an easy decision. No matter when you believe those cells become a life, it should not ever be an easy decision to step through those clinic doors.
Pro Lifers would have us believe that from the moment of conception those cells are a viable life, we all know this is not true. If the mother died, the cells could not live outside the womb, so the cells are not sustainable in anyway. Now if this is what Pro Lifers believe, then why aren't they down at the courts demonstrating during the trial of someone who may of caused a car accident or got in a fight with someone, causing a woman to have a miscarriage, even if she is only a couple of weeks pregnant? Why isn't the guy who pushes his pregnant wife/girlfriend down the stairs causing a miscarriage being charged with murder instead of assault on the wife/girlfriend? What if you're pregnant and have a miscarriage, should you be charged? No you shouldn't, of course not, these are ridiculous fucking questions.
Woman all around the world should have the choice for themselves. Crusty old men in Parliament have no right to tell us what we can and can't do. They certainly can't turn around, like some, and say we should be using birth control. Why is it the woman's responsibility? Why isn't one of those men blocking the door to the clinic passing out free condoms to all his mates, his church members and his family? Instead of standing there and attempting to intimidate, man the fuck up and spread the word to all males you know, take responsibility for your own fucking actions. Everyone who has ever used one form of contraception or another, know that it is not 100% fool proof, it can fuck up. But in the Pro Life world they'd have us believe that it hasn't, we are just lying and not really using it.
I think the big difference between the 2 groups is that Pro Choice's are all about it's your choice, your decision, your body. The Pro Lifers are all about not your body, not your choice, you're going to burn in hell. How that translates into real life is someone else telling you what you can and can't do when looking at your choices in making a huge decision. They are saying no one can advise you of your choices, no once can give you counselling. It's like my neighbour saying to me "You can't park your car there, it's killing the grass." When my car is parked in my yard killing my grass. My neighbours don't interfere in my personal life and I don't interfere in theirs. Of course if one of them was killing the other, or if they were being robbed, I'd interfere LOL.
I hear and read so many comments about how it's murder, it's not and if you believe it is, then go to your representative and demand the law be changed so that, as I said before, if someone causes a miscarriage or the death of a few cells, then they must be charged with murder. The lady who accidentally tripped down the stairs has to be charged with manslaughter, sounds ridiculous doesn't it? Yep my point exactly.
Now in the States there are people who continually say that Planned Parenthood are using Federal funding to abort babies and sell the parts, ummm, I researched and actually found this to be a total lie. I'm not even living there and I know more about it than a lot of people who do live there do. Planned Parenthood provides breast screening, medicals, contraception, just to name a few, and yes you can get an abortion there, but that is only an extremely small part of what they do. If just one person can have a mammogram and have cancer detected early which saves their life, even if they can't afford it. I'm all for it.
The fact remains, when all is said and done, Pro Lifers are really Pro Choice, because they are choosing for themselves to go ahead and have that baby, even if they do give it up for adoption, and because they are making that choice for themselves they have to let other woman do the same. You cannot tell anybody else what to do unless you are willing to step up and take over the care of that mother and baby. As I said before I am not all about abortion as birth control, that is a horrible thing to do, the choice is hard and once it's done, you can't take it back, so back off and let us all make our own choices. There are many reasons a woman will get an abortion, they aren't all about birth control, but it must remain a decision for the individual, no one else should have a say.
Catch yas
Cathy
As always this is my opinion, I don't speak for anyone else, kind of like staying out of others business really lol.
I don't believe in abortion as a form of birth control, never have and never will. I don't get how women can just get up one morning find out they are pregnant, shrug their shoulders and go off to the clinic. Having an abortion is not and should never be an easy decision. No matter when you believe those cells become a life, it should not ever be an easy decision to step through those clinic doors.
Pro Lifers would have us believe that from the moment of conception those cells are a viable life, we all know this is not true. If the mother died, the cells could not live outside the womb, so the cells are not sustainable in anyway. Now if this is what Pro Lifers believe, then why aren't they down at the courts demonstrating during the trial of someone who may of caused a car accident or got in a fight with someone, causing a woman to have a miscarriage, even if she is only a couple of weeks pregnant? Why isn't the guy who pushes his pregnant wife/girlfriend down the stairs causing a miscarriage being charged with murder instead of assault on the wife/girlfriend? What if you're pregnant and have a miscarriage, should you be charged? No you shouldn't, of course not, these are ridiculous fucking questions.
Woman all around the world should have the choice for themselves. Crusty old men in Parliament have no right to tell us what we can and can't do. They certainly can't turn around, like some, and say we should be using birth control. Why is it the woman's responsibility? Why isn't one of those men blocking the door to the clinic passing out free condoms to all his mates, his church members and his family? Instead of standing there and attempting to intimidate, man the fuck up and spread the word to all males you know, take responsibility for your own fucking actions. Everyone who has ever used one form of contraception or another, know that it is not 100% fool proof, it can fuck up. But in the Pro Life world they'd have us believe that it hasn't, we are just lying and not really using it.
I think the big difference between the 2 groups is that Pro Choice's are all about it's your choice, your decision, your body. The Pro Lifers are all about not your body, not your choice, you're going to burn in hell. How that translates into real life is someone else telling you what you can and can't do when looking at your choices in making a huge decision. They are saying no one can advise you of your choices, no once can give you counselling. It's like my neighbour saying to me "You can't park your car there, it's killing the grass." When my car is parked in my yard killing my grass. My neighbours don't interfere in my personal life and I don't interfere in theirs. Of course if one of them was killing the other, or if they were being robbed, I'd interfere LOL.
I hear and read so many comments about how it's murder, it's not and if you believe it is, then go to your representative and demand the law be changed so that, as I said before, if someone causes a miscarriage or the death of a few cells, then they must be charged with murder. The lady who accidentally tripped down the stairs has to be charged with manslaughter, sounds ridiculous doesn't it? Yep my point exactly.
Now in the States there are people who continually say that Planned Parenthood are using Federal funding to abort babies and sell the parts, ummm, I researched and actually found this to be a total lie. I'm not even living there and I know more about it than a lot of people who do live there do. Planned Parenthood provides breast screening, medicals, contraception, just to name a few, and yes you can get an abortion there, but that is only an extremely small part of what they do. If just one person can have a mammogram and have cancer detected early which saves their life, even if they can't afford it. I'm all for it.
The fact remains, when all is said and done, Pro Lifers are really Pro Choice, because they are choosing for themselves to go ahead and have that baby, even if they do give it up for adoption, and because they are making that choice for themselves they have to let other woman do the same. You cannot tell anybody else what to do unless you are willing to step up and take over the care of that mother and baby. As I said before I am not all about abortion as birth control, that is a horrible thing to do, the choice is hard and once it's done, you can't take it back, so back off and let us all make our own choices. There are many reasons a woman will get an abortion, they aren't all about birth control, but it must remain a decision for the individual, no one else should have a say.
Catch yas
Cathy
As always this is my opinion, I don't speak for anyone else, kind of like staying out of others business really lol.
Sunday, January 1, 2017
My One and Only New Years Resolution
It's all well and good, people going on about how they are going to do this and that, become better people and help others as their New Year resolutions. But all you need to do is read a thread on Facebook to see how much hate there is in the world and then you realise a lot of it is coming from these same people saying how great they are going to become.
One simple comment can set off a vicious attack on someone that isn't even known to their attacker. People get up on their soapboxes and spew their sick words and there are others who lap it all up. The name calling is atrocious, the constant line 'freedom of speech' pisses me off. Sure you have that right but seriously, grow the fuck up and act like an adult. There is no need to attack someone over a simple comment of how they agree or disagree with the post. If you disagree then say so, it's simple all you need to do is say 'no, I don't agree with you.' and that's it. No need to go on about someone being a 'muslim, racist, terrorist, liberal, baby killer, retard or redneck'. You don't even need to comment, wait what, you don't need to actually comment? Nope you don't. Read it and move on, or better yet don't read it, cause most of them are total bullshit anyway.
By acting like a child you are nothing but a bully. We have enough of those in the world already thanks.
With the recent election in the States, the rest of the world has been subjected to it all whether we wanted to be or not. The total fabrications that people posted and swore was true was completely laughable to those of us who actually use their brain for something other than vitriol. Blaming the media is ridiculous, the media print what people want to read, they have lied from the moment they realised they were a business and had to make a profit. A happy story about a dog reuniting with it's owner on the front page, does not sell newspapers. The obvious headlines that grab the attention are the ones that are filled with hate. I am constantly surprised that there are actually people in the world that believe the crap they print.
It's the same people that believe politicians are always honest, hello people, they want your fucking vote, they lie to get it. The make promises they cannot possibly keep, and it's only after they are voted in that the John Q Citizen seems to suddenly realise they were lying all along. Wait? What's that you say? A politician lied? Fuck yes they did, they've been doing it since politics began it doesn't take a rocket scientist to see it LOL.
The newsreader you love? Well they get paid for what they say whether it's the truth or not. They get told what to say, and on the rare occasions they are actually speaking for themselves they are usually doing it just to get attention and have their 5 minutes of fame.
Put people online and they become completely different animals. Oh and as a side note, please don't think I'm talking about everyone, I know the difference between one person and another (had to add that after seeing so much about 'all muslims or all whites and all blacks') I realise there are actually fantastic people of all cultures and religions in the world. But for some once that computer is turned on, or the internet accessed on a phone, the world is open and they can spread their hate.
Every single thing that someone has posted or done is there, that doesn't make it real. I can go onto Wikipedia and post something that is a total fabrication, make someone up and of course it would be an incredible story about how heroic they were or something like that, but you know what, it wouldn't be real. There is an option to edit and add, so I take that to mean anyone can go on there and say whatever they like. And once that happens there is more bullshit online that people will be quoting and saying is real. I can post a picture and say it's me, and only my family and friends would know it isn't. The fact is that you never know what is real or isn't.
How many magazines are there in the world that are being proved to be publishing fake stories, hundreds of them. The difference between that and the internet though, is that you actually have to purchase the magazine and read it first lol.
The internet is a wonderful thing, without it I couldn't blog, I couldn't keep in contact with friends around the world for next to nothing, and I wouldn't of had the chance to become friends with them. I wouldn't be able to see all those cute puppy and cat videos, all the hilarious memes, and I couldn't of studied at home with as much ease as I did. All of the positives though come with all the negatives as well. We just need to realise that just because someone says it's real doesn't make is so. The internet does not always give us the complete truth. The same people who lie to us in real life, lie to us online, it's just that online they can hide better.
So for 2017 I'd like to see more puppies and kittens gambolling, more goats laughing, more babies giggling and more positives. Lets leave the hate back in 2016. I wish that I was naive enough to believe that will happen, but I'm not, so instead I resolve to read less of the hate, and watch more of the cute stuff. I'm pretty sure that unlike any previous resolutions I'll be able to keep this one :)
Catch yas
Cathy
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