Life in the Twilight Zone - It's Christmas Every Day

For someone with Alzheimers it can seem like Christmas never comes, for those close to this person it's even longer. 

Mum started thinking about Christmas in October, and by that I mean we would go shopping and she'd start loading her trolley with chickens and corned beef, and I'd say, why are you getting more chicken and corned beef, and her answer would be for Christmas. 

"Mum, Christmas is 2 months away, we haven't even had Dales birthday yet."

"No next weekend is Christmas."

"No Mum next weekend is just a weekend, we still have 2 months to go."

"Oh, are you sure?"

"Yes Mum, I'm sure, I don't have Alzheimers."

Keep in mind we go shopping every week, so this went on for 2 solid months. Along with the shopping I'd get phone calls from her. 

"Oh Cathy, what do you want me to bring for Christmas Day?"

"How about we wait till it's closer to Christmas and I'll tell you Mum."

"But we only have a week."

"No Mum we have 2 months. Sorry I need to get off the phone I'm working. Can you please not call me, I'll give you a call after work."

"Oh sorry, I won't bother you."

And of course that last is said in a tone of voice dripping with sarcasm and designed to make me feel guilty, which of course it does. 

I call her when I finish work.

"Oh it's lovely to hear from you. How are you? How are the kids?"

"Hi Mum, every ones fine I'm just calling you back after your call this morning."

"What call? Did I call you? Why would I call you when your working?"

Sigh, sigh, sigh

This would be repeated at least twice a week, I swear I need to just make a recording of responses, would save my voice LOL. 

By the time we hit November, I was ready to explode. The constant Christmas Christmas Christmas was driving me insane. My birthday rolled around and she said, it couldn't be my birthday it was December. Sorry to disappoint you mum but it is my birthday LOL. 

With the end of November I knew I had to start reminding her I was going to be on leave and wouldn't be around for a week at the start of December. 

"But you'll be away for Christmas."

"No I won't Mum, I'm going to be back before Christmas."

"Oh, but what about my pills and shopping."

"I'll take you shopping before I go and after I get back, and I will make sure your pills are done for you."

"And what about Christmas Day, who will pick me up? Am I going with you?"

"No Mum, Christmas Day isn't till after I get back. Plenty of time to think about that later."

And so it went for 2 weeks before I was on leave. 

Naturally I called her while away to let her know how I was going and to check on her. She had completely forgotten that I was away. 

"When are we going shopping?"

"When I get home Mum."

"Oh are you out?"

"I'm at Caryns remember Mum."

"Really? Why didn't you tell me you were going? I would of mad sure to buy some presents for the kids. You should of bought the car around."

"Okay first, I did tell you, but don't worry about that I expected you to forget. Second it isn't Christmas yet and we already bought presents for the kids, they are here with me. Thirdly, you don't have a license anymore, and I have the car."

"Oh, okay then well have a nice time, bye."

Click. She hung up while I was still on the line LOL. 

The next day she rings wondering where I am, and when we are going shopping. 

"I'm all dressed to go shopping, where are you?"

"I'm at Caryns Mum, I told you."

"But you said we were going shopping."

"Nope not till I get back."

"Oh, when are you back?"

She pretty much called everyday then. And the convos were repeats of the others. I said to Caryn, I shouldn't of called her in the first place LOL. 

On the way home, it's a 6 - 7 hr drive, I had a stop over to refuel me and the car. I noticed a missed call from Mum so I called her, why oh why do I do it, whyyyyyy.

"Why didn't you answer the phone, I've been calling and calling, I've been waiting to go shopping."

"I didn't answer because I didn't hear the phone, and when I'm driving I'm not going to answer."

"The least you can do is pull over and take my call. Did you know it was me?"

"Mum, stop, I didn't hear the phone, I'm driving I've got the tunes cranking and I can't hear it."

"Well I'm waiting, hurry up."

"Mum, sorry but we aren't going shopping till tomorrow, I'm on my way home from Caryns. I won't get back until late this afternoon."

"Then why did you tell me we'd go shopping today, you should of told me. You shouldn't of ignored my call. I can't help it that I can't remember."

And then she started crying. My stomach turned over, and I was no longer feeling hungry. 

"Mum, it's okay, I'll call you when I get home."

She sniffed fine, and hung up.

When I did finally get home, I unloaded the car and called her. 

"Oh Cathy, how was your holiday, did the kids like their presents?"

It was as if the other call hadn't even happened. No way was I going to remind her about it LOL. 

From then until the week before Christmas, we were back to the normal routine, of no mum it's not Christmas yet, yes Mum all the presents have been bought, blah blah. 

I took her to a local Millers, and got her to pick something out for Christmas. She wanted to take it straight away, but I wouldn't let her. The way I figured it she would forget what it was in a week, and she'd get a surprise. She tried to convince me she wouldn't because it was clothes and she never forgets clothes LOL. 

Saturday, Christmas Eve, we went shopping, and all talk of Christmas had stopped. 

"Why are there so many cars in the car park?"

"Because it's Christmas Eve Mum."

"No, we already had Christmas."

Sigh lol

You can imagine how the day went, with Mum constantly going on about the crowds, and me constantly reminding her it was Christmas Eve LOL. 

I decided to call her that evening to remind her I'd be picking her up in the morning, and sure enough she'd forgotten. But I figured she would hence the call. 

Christmas Day was spent at my eldest daughter, Tara's place. It was a good day with the kids running around enjoying their presents and family gathered. I was outside with Pippa and Stella, showing them how to play totem tennis, when I heard Mum talking to my brother. 

"Have you see your father lately?"

"No, haven't seen him for a long time."

"Well, he's had his legs lengthened, he looks very strange."

"Ummm, what?"

I interrupted then to say it hadn't happened, and she got all shitty and says.

"I know what I saw Cathy, he told me all about it when he bought the deeds to the house up."

"Okay Mum, but it didn't happen and you've had the deeds for ages."

As the day wore on you could see the change in her, she started to repeat everything constantly, told the same story over and over again. But hey no big deal, at least she forgot about the leg lengthening surgery LOL. 

So I'm glad Christmas is over, but I do love it. I'm not sure how Mum will be next year, so all we can do is have fun and celebrate for as long as we can. I know the day will come when she doesn't know any of us. It's not a day I look forward to, so we'll make the most of what we have. I'm glad that we share the same sick sense of humor and can make fun of the situation. I would hate to be normal, so to speak, and spend the whole time crying about it. Life is what it is, it sucks, it's great, all we can do is take one day at a time as they say, and make the most of it. 

Oh and I was right, she had totally forgot about the blouse I bought her for Christmas, point to me LOL. 

Catch yas
Cathy

Life in the Twilight Zone - No Longer a Driver

Mum is convinced that if she was just given the chance she would be fine driving. Forget that every doctor she sees recommends she doesn't drive, forget her license has expired, she would still be a good driver if given the chance. 

Firstly, she was never a good driver, she was an okay driver, but never good. She drove a big arsed station wagon without power steering up and down the mountains, but that doesn't make her a good driver. She knew the road rules and was competent, but looking at every car she's had and all the scratches and dings on them, yeh, not so good. I remember before she was diagnosed finding a ding in the back bumper and asking her about it, 

"Mum, how did this happen?"

"Oh, I reversed into my trolley."

"Ummm, how can you reverse into your own trolley? Didn't you just put it back in the trolley return, couldn't you see it in the rear vision mirror?"

"I forgot to return it, and didn't notice it in the mirror. Actually I might not of checked I can't remember."

Yep, there's those good driving skills mum. Oh and lets not forget the time she was dropping off me and Dale. I was standing there talking to her through the window, and Dale was getting out of the back, hadn't even shut the door, and she goes bye and starts to drive off, stopping suddenly on Dales foot. Luckily he wasn't hurt, and all she said was oh I thought the door was shut, then she drove off LOL. 

The number of bushes and trees that have scrapped along the side of her cars, and the fact she never remembers it happening, are signs that maybe she shouldn't be behind the wheel. But the only damage she did, apart from Dales foot LOL, was to her own car, so we sucked it up. Because she's 80 she has to go for a test, but her doctor won't fill out the form for her so her license expired. She'll jokingly say she still has a car key so she might just take off one day, which of course won't happen because she'd have to walk to my place to get the car lol. 

So, driving to Penrith on Saturday because I wanted to get my haircut and was taking Mum shopping, she loves to go to Penrith, no idea why, it's crowded and people are fuckwits. Anyway we get to the bottom of Old Bathurst Rd where it joins the Highway and she goes,

"Hahaha, did you see that, those cars are going through a red light."

"What red light mum? The arrow to turn left is green, the light to go right is red."

"Oh, isn't it illegal if one of the lights is red?"

"No mum, it isn't"

I distracted her from her musings by pointing out the beautiful jacarandas near the river, they look absolutely gorgeous. We drive on and get to the Mulgoa Rd lights and she goes.

"Why aren't those cars stopping? We have a red light."

"Geez mum I sure am glad you're not driving. Those cars are moving because they have a green arrow, you're right we have a red light so we aren't moving."

And she wonders why we don't want her driving lol. 

It must be hard not to be behind the wheel, I'm sure she misses the freedom, I know that I love driving, not sure what I'd do if I couldn't drive. But safer for the rest of Australia if we don't let her drive, you can all thank me later LOL. 

Sunday she called me and wanted to know when we were going shopping again. 

"Mum, we went shopping yesterday."

"Are you sure, I need so many things so I don't think we did."

"Mum I'm the one without alzheimers remember?"

"Oh, yeh that's right. Okay so when are we going shopping again?"

The only way to deal is to laugh, probably why I post so much on my blog LOL. People always say laughter is the best medicine, in my eyes if we don't laugh we'll shoot ourselves, so laughter it is. 

Catch yas

Cathy

Life in the Twilight Zone - What's Real and What's Not

So Mum rang up last night,

"Did you try to call me?"

"No, wasn't me" 

Strangely when someone tries to call her she presumes it's me, I tell her that if it was me I'd try again, don't call me and waste your money on the call, and yet she still does it.

"Oh well wasn't important I guess. Anyway, I went over to the shops today to pick up a few things. I searched for that Doctor but couldn't find her."

"What Doctor Mum, if you need to see a Doctor I can make an appointment for you as soon as Sam gets back from his holiday."

"No it was the blood Doctor." 

"Ummm what? You don't have any blood tests to do."

"No not a blood test, well it is, but we drew our own blood and had to drop it off. But I can't find my vial."

"Oh ok, ummm, number 1, I'm not drawing my own blood or yours."

"No no, you me and Andrew went to Penrith Showgrounds and we ran into her there. She gave us all we needed to do it, and told me I could drop off the samples on Monday."

"Again, we aren't drawing our own blood."

"You can't possibly expect me to believe this one was pure imagination. We all went and it was real."

"Yeh it was your imagination. I haven't been to the Showground for years, and I know Andrew wouldn't go and bring home a vial to draw his own blood."

"No, it was real, I can't remember her name, but......"

"Mum, stop, it wasn't real sorry but it is your imagination, the Alzheimers playing tricks on you. If we needed a blood test we would go and see the professionals, not get a dyi kit and do it ourselves. Think for a minute, does that really sound like something we'd do?"

"Yes sounds reasonable to me, are you sure?"

"Positive Mum, would never happen in a million years. Please believe me."

"Well it's just as well then, I can't find the vial of blood anywhere."

Sigh

Then she moves the conversation on and starts talking about going out to Sydney for a day with her friend Heather. Apparently Heather called and they are going to go walking around the Harbor to check out all the changes. Now that sounds feasible, but is it? That's the biggest problem, the fantasy about drawing our own blood, yeh that's impossible, but Heather could of called her, and they could of organised a day out in the city. It wouldn't be the first time they've done it, and it is entirely possible they will again. 

But something in the back of my mind will say, is this real, did Heather really call? I have no fucking idea LOL. To me though it sounds great, so if it's real then I'm all for it, I know Heather would meet her at Central off the train, I know Mum can get herself onto the train, she has, after all, done it for years, so it's not something new she's learning. And I know she'd have a great time. I also know that she will tell Heather all sorts of stuff that isn't real, but she is convinced has happened, but I also know that Heather will just listen and laugh at her stories without being mean and not quite believing her like me LOL. 

When the time comes for Mum to come home, Heather will put her on the train, and call me so I can meet her at the station. All will be well. I actually hope that this will happen. 

Now if only I can get it out of her head that my brother and his wife are not divorced LOL. That one is harder, she is convinced of it, and when I mentioned on Saturday that they were meeting up for a holiday in the US, she said, oh have they gotten back together then. 

7 times she tried to convince me it was real, that it really happened, and despite me knowing it's not true, it would be so easy to just go along with her, but this is one of those few things I won't go along with. If she says that she spoke to someone she knows from way back when at the shops, and yet I know that person died several years ago, I'll just nod my head and let her continue. If she says, she's been trying to get her washing dry for a week, I'll just agree with her, when I know that she did the laundry that morning, and it's all on the line drying in the sun. It's easy to let the simple things go, but when it's something that makes her sad, I can't. After finally convincing her it wasn't true, she breathed a sigh of relief, but I know it won't last, she'll be back on the story in no time, because it is a new thing to her, the new things are not something she can remember. As soon as she's told something isn't real, you can see the wheels turning and the light go out, before it flares to life again, and she repeats exactly what she just said as if it was never said. I hate it, but what can you do.

There is no cure. The medication she takes just slows it down. She has good days and bad. We laugh together, and insult each other (in a friendly manner) just like we always have, and that's good cause as we have always acted like that, she remembers it. She laughingly tells people I'm mean to her, when I say she can't buy something she already has. She'll tell them her daughter is now the mother and laugh. But we both know this is reality, I am becoming her mother, I have to watch what she does, I have to make her appointments and keep her pill jar full. For now, while she is not fully gripped by the disease, we can still have fun. It's exhausting work, especially when I have a job to do already, but it's something that must be done. We've gotten Power of Attorney done, the Enduring Care done (medical), I jokingly tell her that I now have the power to say pull the plug LOL. It's daunting though, and not something I'd planned on. But I guess no one ever does plan it. Life is just like that. People live and people die, diseases come and steal away the person you've known your whole life. I know this happens, I've watched my soul mate die. I always presumed I'd live longer than my parents, but who knows anything can happen. And now I can rest easy knowing that precautions have been taken for Mum, for when she gets to the stage of having to leave home, forgetting who we are, and slowly turning into someone else. 

I sometimes think that it would be nice to believe in God, then at least I could pray or believe in miracles, but I don't and that's not going to change. Life is wonderful, creating a family is beyond belief, we live we love and we laugh. It's all what is supposed to happen and right now the easiest thing to do is go with the flow. Enjoy the funny moments, forget the heartache, I've done it before when Don died, I'll damn well do it again now LOL. 

Catch yas
Cathy

50 Gone Forever

I've been reading links and comments online ever since the mass shooting in Orlando. I can't help but be disgusted in the hatred that is spewing out from supposedly civilized people. 

I don't give a damn whether the people killed were gay or straight, no one should fucking care about that. What they should be caring about is, someone decided to murder them, someone stole the lives of their loved ones, plain and simple.

They got up in the morning or afternoon, looking forward to a night out with friends, a chance to party, have some fun and unwind. They went out to a place they believed was safe, somewhere they thought they could have a blast then go home and maybe regret it in the morning. But those 50 will never go home. Their families and friends will mourn them, will never again get to hold them and say 'I love you', will never get to see them grow old. They are gone, they aren't ever coming back. 

And yet we are forced to see comments like '50 dead fags, good' or 'If Obama wasn't president this wouldn't of happened', seriously? Get a fucking grip you idiots. These 50 were human beings, they were loved, maybe you didn't love them, maybe you don't like their lifestyle choices, but who the fuck are you to make nasty comments about them? If the people making these comments were actually human in any way, they wouldn't be saying it, they'd be quietly commenting things like 'RIP' or 'So sad sending love and prayers to their families'. But nope lets blame the victims, lets turn this into a political fight, lets do anything but have any sympathy. 

This was a violent act of domestic terrorism. The choice the murderer made was his own. No one told him to go and commit this act. Free fucking will. I make no secret of the fact that I think the gun laws in America are fucked, I never have and I never will believe that the 'Right to bear arms' means that every citizen should be armed while taking the dog for a walk or going shopping. I don't understand why you need a gun in your car or even in your home. My blood boils when I read about a child getting a gun and shooting themselves or someone else, and then having to read the crap that spews out about it like 'My child would never do that, they have been raised to be responsible with guns.' well listen up dickhead, accidents can and will happen, and they do, every fucking day. People get complacent, they believe that because they and everyone else in the house are trained in gun safety then they don't have to worry about having guns in the house or car. Complacency is what causes accidents. Complacency gets people killed. If the gun is not there in the first place it is not there to accidentally get used. 

Now I'm not saying that there shouldn't be guns, not at all. Farmers need them, police need them, the armed forces need them, but Betty Sue taking the kids to day care does not need one. 

Sorry went off on a bit of a rant there and strayed from my original thought, but the thought of guns does that to me. 

We are losing our humanity, plain and simple. As long as there are arseholes in the world making nasty little comments and being totally uncaring our humanity will continue to slip away. If you can't say anything that is sympathetic, or if you want to use a tragedy to turn it into your own agenda of hate, then fuck off, don't comment. Save your disgusting thoughts for your own personal blogs or facebook posts, something that is shared with your friends (if you actually have any). Keep them off the public pages, don't comment on someone elses post, get off the news links, better yet stop being an arsehole and actually think about the pain someone is going through right now. The loved ones of the victims are suffering and they deserve to know that people care, and that people are horrified by the actions of one man. They don't need to see their loss turned into a political agenda or a hate campaign. They don't need to see the lives of their loved ones disrespected because of their lifestyle choices, they need our sympathy and caring. 

Catch yas
Cathy

Ahhhh Winter

I love Winter in Australia. It's not cold enough in most of the country to snow, but it's cold enough for me to enjoy the hot flushes rather than curse them. 

I can delay putting on the heater or a jumper, while I bask in the warmth of getting older. If I could I would force my body to only have a hot flush in Winter. Menopause is not fun, your moody, you're facing the fact that you can never have children again, some of us get headaches, we feel weak, and of course we feel old. I'm 56, my knees are shot, I can't shake a cold like I used to, I'm overweight, I should give up smoking, and I'm tired, all the damn time. Of course if I lost weight and exercised more, I'd probably be fitter, I make no excuses for not exercising, except that I hate it LOL. 

In Summer the hot flush takes me to the edge, doesn't matter if I'm sitting in front of the ac or standing in a cold shower, I'm burning up from the inside out. Come Winter, I sit there smugly in my t shirt, laughing at everyone huddled in front of the heater. I put the window down in the car and let that cold fresh air freeze my poor mum. I snigger when told how cold someone is. I have the fan on when I go to bed, cause I can. I have doors and windows open in the house, while everyone else goes around closing them, I am a menopausal woman hear me roar LOL. 

Of course there is a down side, there always is to something we enjoy. When the hot flush does stop, and believe me they do they aren't there constantly, I am absolutely fucking freezing. I put on jumpers and jackets, turn the heater on, throw my wheat bag in the microwave, put on gloves and curse the cold through my chattering teeth. And all of that in Summer LOL. Seriously though, I am freezing. My body has felt so hot for so long, it's like being in the oven, and then your plunged into an ice filled lake. And that's when I am cursing someone for leaving a door or window open. Luckily it isn't too long before the next flush comes and I'm back stripping off the layers and laughing at everyone shivering. Before long it will be Summer again and I'll be sweating up a storm, but for now I'll bask in my warmth. 

There is, of course, other things I love about Winter. The smell of smoke in the air from fireplaces, the freshness of the air, the slow cooked dinners, the cat curled up in front of the heater and, since I live in the mountains the hint of snow in the air. Now I'm older and don't want to go swimming in the creek I loved as a kid, or plunging into the local pool I can appreciate Winter more. I used to hate it, we couldn't do anything we loved to do outdoors, cause it was just to damn cold. The only thing I liked was going to a pub and having a drink in front of a huge fire. Of course, I wasn't supposed to be in the pub, but hey, who's going to throw me out now LOL. Winter meant netball season as well, which I loved, crisp apples and apple cider, picking them straight off the tree. It also meant Dad would burn off all the leaves in a huge pile and we'd get our potatoes cooking in the embers. I didn't enjoy the cold legs that we had because our school uniform was a dress, not practical pants for girls. 

Sitting here at the moment as I type this with my t shirt on, and thinking why is the cat looking at the heater like it should be on, it's a gorgeous day, the temp is perfect LOL. 

Catch yas

Cathy

USA USA USA Election

I've been inundated with political posts and memes on my facebook page. Some days they are hilarious others interesting, but when I see Donald Trump I'm freaked out. I can't help but worry about what will happen to the world if that arrogant prick gets elected, or wins the nomination or whatever the fuck it is that's going on over there at the moment. 

I have to say I prefer our method couldn't stand it if all our pollies went through all this bullshit and we had to put up with it, stuff that. 

I've got my fingers crossed that that bad comb over never gets anywhere near the White House, and am trusting in the American public to keep him out. But then I remember some of the posts I've seen supporting him and wonder, are you guys serious, have you actually listened to this idiot? Why would you want some ignoramus in power? Seriously, I'd love to know why anyone would think he is worth following anywhere. Personally I wouldn't follow him to the bathroom. The man is a total bigot and would welcome Hitler coming back from the dead. 

He has made up a history that no one with a brain believes, he has no policies that make any sense or are detrimental to the US and the rest of the world. He is the sort of person, and I use that term loosely cause I'm still not sure he is human, that would stand there with a big smile on his face while pushing the button to launch a nuclear war. Of course he'd be prepared, and would end up being the ruler sitting on his throne, throwing bits of bread to his scrabbling minions, as they scurried around doing his bidding. He would rule with the arrogance that he lives and breathes, causing untold problems in not just America but around the world. 

Oh so he's going to stop illegal immigrants and will allow no refugees into the country? Ok sure, considering the white man was originally an illegal immigrant to the country, I can see how he would think it was his right to stop anyone else from living a free life. His idea of forcing Muslims to wear something similar to the Star of David that Hitler forced the Jews to wear, is not only scary it's totally immoral. Probably wouldn't be long before slavery came back, and the whole country would collapse. I can tell you now, Australia won't be lending you guys any money LOL. 

He takes pride in being a Christian, but seems to forget what being a Christian actually means or that Christians have had a brutal past. He has no knowledge of true history, just makes it up as he goes. He has built his business empire using arrogance and he will do the same to the country if he does make it to the White House. There will be separate classes of people, all his mates with money and everyone else without. He doesn't care about the lower or middle classes, he doesn't even care about the upper classes, he only cares about winning and showing everyone that he is better than them. I can imagine him taking down the statue of Lincoln and replacing it with one of himself sitting on a throne, wearing a smoking jacket with his hair flying in the imaginary breeze, shudder. He shows how little he thinks of women, so they will all be back home barefoot and pregnant where they belong. Homosexuals will be forced into hiding, living in fear of his jackbooted army. Every man woman and child will live in fear of committing the slightest transgression and calling attention to themselves. Wow that sounds just like how it was in Europe during the second World War, what a surprise. 

Reading my friends posts, I get the impression that this is a race between 2 parties, much like our elections always are, and that on one hand you have one wanting to send the country back to the dark ages, and the other trying to keep the country rolling along into the future. There are people saying that religion and politics go hand in hand, that it's how their country started, and others saying that the 2 should never be mixed. Personally I agree with the second, religion and politics should never ever be mixed. If you want to pray to God or Allah then go for it, but keep your religion out of politics. And then there's the whole debate over the Planned Parenthood Clinics, that do so much good for so many people. It has been proven that the information was faked, it has been admitted to be faked, and yet you still have people defending those who would close these clinics. 

The whole thing is absolute madness, but boy is it fun to read all the crap and have a good laugh. Pretty sure that isn't the intention of the posts, but they are just so funny and ignorant it can't be helped LOL. 

I admit I don't know all about American politics, but I'm not a blind idiot, I can read, and I have a brain. I am a very logical person, I find it hard to not be logical, I can but it's hard. I don't see anything logical in most of these posts. The articles are poorly written, and whoever is writing them doesn't even use spellcheck, seriously how hard is it to spellcheck something LOL. The alleged facts are easily disproved by a simple internet search, or just by using the brain we were all born with, to actually read whats written and realise this is just some idiot rambling total bullshit, much like most of whats online anyway. 

Anyway that's my 10 cents worth, or dime or whatever it is over there LOL. 

Catch yas
Cathy