Out with the Old

Here we are, waiting for the new year to begin, and anxious for the old to end. It can't get any worse can it? 

This year hasn't been a picnic, it hasn't been the worst year I've lived through, but it's been a horror year. I'm sick of any strength sayings such as 'what doesn't kill us makes us stronger' or this one by Eleanor Roosevelt 'You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face...you must do the thing you think you cannot do' well they can just fuck right off. I'm over being strong and handling it all, been there done that, I want to just be able to sit back and not think about anything at all. Wake up in the morning, work, go to bed at night, and start it all over the next day. 

I don't want to wake up to a phone call with someone on the other end relaying some sort of problem. I want to just get a call to say hi, or a call with an invite, fuck being the tower of strength in the family. Just fuck it.

My worst year was the year my husband died, I had to pull on every last reservoir of strength I had, borrowing from friends and family, just to get through it without taking the simple way out. I had to make decisions that were the best for my young family, and yet I had no clue what the fuck I was doing. Still not sure how I did it, and I'm sure I made a lot of mistakes, but I'm only human and will continue to make mistakes. To anyone who told me I was young and would move on, well fuck you too. I wasn't and aren't going to get married again, I don't want to. I like being me, single with no complications. It might of been better for the kids, but you know what, it wasn't better for me and if it wasn't better for me, it was going to make it all worse for the kids. Not sure they understand that, but I hope they do. 

After discovering in January, that Mum would not be able to live alone again, action had to be taken. She'd made the decision a few years ago to give me Power of Attorney and Enduring Power of Attorney. I took over her banking, and driving at first, simple things, but as she got worse it became clear she couldn't live at home anymore. Not without 24 hr care, which was something none of us kids could give her. I've had people tell me they sacrificed all to care for their ailing parents, well good for them. They have also tried to make me feel guilty for the way her care was handled, well fuck you. You aren't me, you aren't my family, you are nothing. Just because you were in a position to give up your job and your life, doesn't mean everyone can. If I could of done it, I would of, but to be honest, both me and Mum are happier the way it is. 

I had just begun the daunting task of searching for a home for Mum, in our area, been online and sent out feelers, had Mum's social worker searching as well. and had set up appointments to view some of the local homes. When I got a call to say there was a room available. I'd actually had a chance to tour this one, it was lovely, in the mountains, and despite the rep from my youth, was lovely. We knew her house would have to be sold, but we didn't expect to find a place for her so quickly. Once she was placed, the clean up began, my brother began taking his search for somewhere else to live more seriously. I would of loved to have kicked him in the arse over his delaying, but I also understood him, this was the only home he'd ever known, the act of packing his life into boxes was daunting, plus he still had to work. 

I took carloads of clothes, shoes, linens and handbags to donate, carloads of absolute crap and expired food to the tip. Broken things all went to the tip, we had a garage sale and got rid of all but a small amount of her piles and piles of material and other sewing supplies. There was the discoveries, the original wedding cert for my paternal grandparents, the old photos, the rsvp cards and the memoriam cards for my grandfather's funeral. The plans for the house my parents built, history was found and is treasured. My work was great, gave me time off when needed and I needed a lot, and I was able to squeeze in some much needed time away. The house sold pretty quickly, and then it was moving my brother out, getting out what we wanted to keep, and getting the house cleaned out completely. There was rubbish in the yard and under the house, old furniture that we couldn't donate, and asbestos removal. 

I had to borrow money to get it all done, I knew I'd get the money back on the house, but it still had to be paid back in the meantime. Stretched me financially, and I had to borrow from my other brother as well, but it got done, finally. There were times I thought, I couldn't go on, but if not me, who the fuck was going to get it done. I'd dealt with it in a way no one else in my family had before, when my husband died. Was easier then to be honest, not mentally, just physically I think. I sweated buckets lol. 

So that was the start of the year. The rest of the year has been spent dealing with all the other shit, getting a will drawn up for Mum, settling all her debts, and she had some surprises there (insert eye rolling), as she loved to shop. She still loves to shop, but these days it's confined to the Nursing Home op shop where the most she spends is $5 on a pair of earrings for her non pierced ears lol. Got a surprise bill from the Nursing Home, where they wanted $5000 for her care, care that I'd been assured wouldn't be billed as we were waiting on the house sale to pay her bond. I've searched and searched and can't find the paperwork I know I had, or at least my notes of who I spoke to about it. So it had to be paid, pissed me off, she's a pensioner, she had no money, and yet they did that. I'm sure that in all the mess that was her life there's something, but I'm fucked if I can find it, and even less enthusiastic about another search. I could just as easily thrown it out, thinking it was junk, I did throw out a lot of stuff. 

I have had some great laughs, like when the lawyer wanted the deeds to the house, and I searched and searched, not finding them, not realising that what I did find the Certificate of Title, was in fact the deeds to the house lol. Or the things Mum comes out with, as you would know from other blogs, she is hilarious. I've shed a lot of tears, more than I wanted to, and I've felt more alone than I ever have in my life. But I've endured, and for 2019, I don't want to just endure, I want to move forward. I want to sit back and let someone else do it all. I don't want any phone calls about any problems with anyone. I don't want anyone to think "Cathy can do it, she's tough, she can handle it.", for 2019, the strength of Cathy is closed. Work it out yourselves, instead of thinking of me, this year I'm being selfish, I think I deserve it. And for fucks sake, no more problems, only happy shit please lol. 

I know that if needed, and anyone who knows me knows it as well, that I will be there to help and to offer my strength, so despite what I say I will be there, but it is a nice thought. An entire year without any shit, without anything going wrong, just being able to sit back and relax and enjoy life for a change, would be very nice indeed lol. 

While I sit here typing and thinking, my mind is racing with things that need to be done, the back lawn needs mowing and there's a shitload of weeds to pull that if they don't get pulled will spread. There's dead branches out the back that need to be sorted, the carpet needs to be shampooed, windows washed, but fuck it. That's going to be my mantra this year, just fuck it lol. 

Happy New Year everyone, may 2019 bring you joy and happiness.

Catch yas
Cathy

Life in the Twilight Zone - And so this is Christmas

Firstly, Merry Christmas everyone, I hope you have had, or will have a fantastic day. 

It was a strange Christmas day for me today. Usually I'm surrounded by family, if not all the kids at least some of them, but not this year. My eldest went away with her family, my middle child stayed at home with hers, and my son and his gf did their own thing. I've seen them all of course, in the lead up to Christmas, but just felt weird. 

It was Mum's first Christmas in the Nursing Home, so I decided to bring her down to my place for the day. Have a nice quiet day, with an easy lunch. I figure we should do this while we still can, the day will come when it won't be possible, so have to make the most of it. I woke up late, and went off to pick her up about 10 am, couldn't believe the traffic, crazy. Despite her joy at seeing me she was confused about the fact it was Christmas Day, but was happy to go out. 

As usually, she had track pants, closed shoes, a long sleeved top and a jacket on, I had thongs, a shirt with no sleeves and 3/4 shorts lol. I suggested she change, but she wasn't having any of it. I guess because she is used to the ac in the home, it always feels cold to her. 

We drove back here without incident, I gave her her present (2 tops and some chocolates), and told her I'd bought myself something on her behalf, I didn't but I don't want her money. 

Mum: So, which one of your kids lives far away?
Me: Caryn, Mum. She lives in Henty.
Mum: Oh, that's right, I'd love to see them.
Me: They'll be up in the new year, they'll see you then.
Mum: That would be lovely. Someones here, who is it.
I glance out the window.
Me: It's Anthony and Jann, Mum.
Mum: Oh that's nice, are they together again?
Me: They were never apart Mum. 

We sat down and chatted, well Mum repeated the same story over and over, and then my nephews arrived. It was good, great to see them again, and to receive some Greg Nog (homemade eggnog with brandy). We were chatting about general things, and talk turned to the house. 

Mum: Is Dale still seeing the same girl?
Me: Yes, they live together.
Mum: Oh, I remember when they came around and Dale cut down the tree for me.
Me: No he didn't.
Mum: Yes he did. Her father is a tree cutter and he taught Dale how to cut down trees.
Me: No he didn't.
Mum: Yes, I remember.
Me: Her dad isn't a tree cutter, and Dale never cut down a tree for you. He trimmed a couple of branches but no tree cutting. 
Mum: Yes he did. Her father is a tree cutter....................................

We have no idea who she was talking about, but it wasn't my son lol. 

Mum, to my brother: What are the boys doing now?
Anthony aka Tony: Why don't you ask them they are sitting right there, and there.

Mum turns to look and seemed to be shocked they were there, and so big. It's okay for my girls to be in their 30's, but apparently his boys who are the same age as the girls, are still prepubescent lol. 

It was a good day. 

Driving Mum home later, she regaled me with stories of the nursing home, the same ones I've heard many times before, but she was happy, and despite it driving me insane the way she repeats everything, I love that she is happy. She talks about the home all the time, and how she loves all the activities and outings they have. She can be mean about some of them, and makes up wild tales about others, but all in all, she is where she needs to be. She is getting worse, it's plain to see, and as the day goes on it gets more and more obvious. But for as long as I'm able, I will take her out for days, here and there. Next trip will be shopping for some much needed comfy shoes. She has new shoes, but they are shoved in the back of her wardrobe as they are uncomfortable (she chose them). 

She also appears to have a heap of new clothes, must check the statements for the op shop at the home, she has no doubt been spending up big there lol. 

Well that's it from me for now folks, I'm going to get some leftovers and Greg Nog.

Catch yas
Cathy

PS, she also told us she wasn't doing badly for an 86 year old, she's 82 lol.