Yesterday it became obvious that Mum is no longer able to handle her own banking. I turned up to pick her up for shopping, and as always checked her wallet to make sure she had her eftpos card. She didn't, and she didn't have enough cash for shopping. I asked her where it was and she had no idea, I also noticed her pension card was not where I'd put it in her wallet. She didn't know where that was either. And so began the epic hunt for the card.
I turned her house upside down looking for it, nothing. Found the pension card tucked away in her wardrobe, yes I wondered why it was in there too, but was no point in asking her cause she wouldn't have any idea or she'd claim my brother must of hidden it there. Why he'd want to hide it, or even care about it has me beat.
"Mum when did you last use your card, I know you had it Saturday because I saw it."
"Oh, I used it Saturday."
"No Mum you didn't, you had cash was no need to use the card."
"So why did you say I had it."
"Because you did Mum, but you didn't need it."
"Well that doesn't make sense"
"Mum, just tell me when you last used it."
"Well I lost it, then the man at the bank told me I couldn't have any of my money and he took the card off me and wouldn't give it back."
I found that highly doubtful, especially when there is no men working at her branch.
"We will just have to wait for the bank to open and go and report it lost then."
"Oh okay, where did you put it?"
"Nevermind Mum, we'll go to the bank."
Turns out she had gone to the bank to report it lost on Friday, so they cancelled it and requested a replacement. She had no money in her account, so she was limited to shopping with here $55 in cash, which she did easily as she didn't need much, she wanted a lot just didn't need it and I was merciless.
While in the bank, I spoke to them about what I had to do re Power of Attorney, I realised it was time. I planned to pick it up from the lawyers and take it to the bank, giving me power over her account without her present. So I go to the bank, and apparently, not only did she report it lost on Friday, had it on her on Saturday, she tried to use it in the ATM on Monday and naturally the card got taken. The lady said that she had seemed very confused and thought it was Pension Day. I thanked them both for their understanding and the plan was that I would keep the card when it came and give Mum an allowance, and as they have the Power of Attorney, if she goes into the bank to report her card lost, they know to either contact me, or recommend she call me. She did not know this plan LOL.
Anyway, I'm around there this afternoon, took some clothes around I'd run through my dryer for her, and tackled some of the expired food in her pantry. 3 bags of crap I had to throw out, and I bought 2 back here with me, and her pantry still looks full lol. I was talking to my brother about the card, he'd hid it from Mum when it came, and she comes over and says,
"Cathy, when the new card comes I'd like you to take it for me. I thought that maybe I could have an allowance, and wouldn't have to worry about losing the card again."
Talk about gobsmacked LOL.
"Oh, ummm that's a great idea Mum."
"I was thinking if you gave me $100 a week, so I can still get my coffee and paper and anything else I might need."
And then I thought, she does not need $100 for coffee and a paper everyday, she is obviously still thinking she can go to the shops and buy more shit she doesn't need.
"Mum, I'm thinking $50 will be enough. If you do need anything at the shops, just let me know and I can give you more, or Andrew can get it for you."
She didn't look to impressed with that one, but grudgingly accepted it. Now I know that tomorrow she will have forgotten the whole conversation, but it was wonderful that she suggested it. I knew that I was going to do it anyway, but the whole idea was depressing me no end, and so when she suggested it, and I have my brother as a witness, it made the decision so much easier.
I'm expecting a call asking if I know where her card is any minute now LOL.
Catch yas
Cathy
Thursday, March 23, 2017
Friday, March 17, 2017
Shadowland
While I was tossing and turning last night, that's how I began to think of my mind. It's a shadowland. Full of past thoughts and things learnt, brimming with experience and regret. Overflowing with what ifs and whys, an endless space crammed full of absolute crap meaningless and random, my memories swirl together in some macabre dance that only the precious sleep of nothingness can end.
My brain flits from one shadow to the next, following a random path that leads nowhere but keeps my head spinning, unable to shut down. I'd like to be able to design a switch that I can just shut off before trying to go to sleep, unfortunately when I've tried my mind goes off on some weird tangent about what if we could just switch off, or maybe we could do it this, or how about....... and the spinning continues. Or I'll relive a memory in every horrible detail, I rarely have good memories while trying to sleep, I try to turn away and think of something wonderful, but my brain does not respond.
I remember every single moment from the time the hospital called me 24 years ago. I remember loading the kids in the car, taking them to the in laws and picking up my sister in law. I remember driving, I even remember the amount of traffic and the fact we got 3 red lights. I didn't speed, there was no point. I knew it in my heart that he was gone despite them not saying anything over the phone. I remember getting in the elevator and going up to the 3rd floor and being greeted by the sister on the floor that night. I remember clutching my hands together in the vain hope all would be fine, and I was just over reacting. I knew from the look on her face he was gone, I remember doubling over in pain. I remember walking up to the room he was in, and just letting go. I remember it all and at first I used to relive it constantly, now it is one of those memories that will suddenly come out, and even while reliving it all over again, I'll wonder at how it could still all be exactly the same after all this time.
The next night I'll be trying to sleep and it won't be anything about memories, just random stupid thoughts. I might for some reason think of putting on some washing in the morning, then it will switch to how great it would be to be able to afford to send all my laundry out and have someone else do it, or have a maid, and of course that will lead to my state of wealth, and then onto winning the lottery, what would I do with the money. I'd buy a house of course, oh what about furniture, or how big the house, and then there's the garden. I hate gardening, but hey I've won the lottery, I could have people to do it for me. Next random leap would be to oh have people that's so funny, and I could say my people will get in contact with your people, and then I'd be off thinking about a movie where I was the main character with people LOL.
See what I mean, it's a real shadowland, and you don't want to get trapped there. I would like to be able to go to bed, switch off the lamp and have my brain switch off at the same time. Even if I get a good nights sleep, hour wise, I still wake up exhausted because my brain has been in overtime all night. Would be nice to get paid for all that overtime LOL.
The shadows of memories and experiences chase each other around and around. I have a word that sometimes works but not always, it's PUSH. I'll be lying there thoughts spinning and just repeat over and over PUSH. Sometimes it works other times it leads to me suddenly thinking about a pushbike, oh I remember my old dragster well, secondhand piece of crap but I thought it was awesome, or pushing baby Tara down to her grandparents place or around the block because she was teething and restless, or pushing a swing, hey swings are cool, and off we go again.
So there we have it, shadowland, and I think it's aptly named. I got 5 hrs sleep last night, had to take Mum shopping this morning and I'm totally and utterly exhausted. I could try a nap but my brain might start again LOL.
Catch yas
Cathy
My brain flits from one shadow to the next, following a random path that leads nowhere but keeps my head spinning, unable to shut down. I'd like to be able to design a switch that I can just shut off before trying to go to sleep, unfortunately when I've tried my mind goes off on some weird tangent about what if we could just switch off, or maybe we could do it this, or how about....... and the spinning continues. Or I'll relive a memory in every horrible detail, I rarely have good memories while trying to sleep, I try to turn away and think of something wonderful, but my brain does not respond.
I remember every single moment from the time the hospital called me 24 years ago. I remember loading the kids in the car, taking them to the in laws and picking up my sister in law. I remember driving, I even remember the amount of traffic and the fact we got 3 red lights. I didn't speed, there was no point. I knew it in my heart that he was gone despite them not saying anything over the phone. I remember getting in the elevator and going up to the 3rd floor and being greeted by the sister on the floor that night. I remember clutching my hands together in the vain hope all would be fine, and I was just over reacting. I knew from the look on her face he was gone, I remember doubling over in pain. I remember walking up to the room he was in, and just letting go. I remember it all and at first I used to relive it constantly, now it is one of those memories that will suddenly come out, and even while reliving it all over again, I'll wonder at how it could still all be exactly the same after all this time.
The next night I'll be trying to sleep and it won't be anything about memories, just random stupid thoughts. I might for some reason think of putting on some washing in the morning, then it will switch to how great it would be to be able to afford to send all my laundry out and have someone else do it, or have a maid, and of course that will lead to my state of wealth, and then onto winning the lottery, what would I do with the money. I'd buy a house of course, oh what about furniture, or how big the house, and then there's the garden. I hate gardening, but hey I've won the lottery, I could have people to do it for me. Next random leap would be to oh have people that's so funny, and I could say my people will get in contact with your people, and then I'd be off thinking about a movie where I was the main character with people LOL.
See what I mean, it's a real shadowland, and you don't want to get trapped there. I would like to be able to go to bed, switch off the lamp and have my brain switch off at the same time. Even if I get a good nights sleep, hour wise, I still wake up exhausted because my brain has been in overtime all night. Would be nice to get paid for all that overtime LOL.
The shadows of memories and experiences chase each other around and around. I have a word that sometimes works but not always, it's PUSH. I'll be lying there thoughts spinning and just repeat over and over PUSH. Sometimes it works other times it leads to me suddenly thinking about a pushbike, oh I remember my old dragster well, secondhand piece of crap but I thought it was awesome, or pushing baby Tara down to her grandparents place or around the block because she was teething and restless, or pushing a swing, hey swings are cool, and off we go again.
So there we have it, shadowland, and I think it's aptly named. I got 5 hrs sleep last night, had to take Mum shopping this morning and I'm totally and utterly exhausted. I could try a nap but my brain might start again LOL.
Catch yas
Cathy
Saturday, March 11, 2017
Smiling on the Outside
I suffer from anxiety and depression, like many others, and I feel it differently to them, just like they feel it differently to me. The same general feelings are there, but it's how we feel about them on the inside that is different because we are all different, and the reasons for our anxiety and depression are different.
What happened to my fellow sufferers to trigger it did not happen to me, the act itself could of been the same, but the way we feel about it is not the same. No one can say to me they know how I feel, just as I can't say it to them. The same with anything else, like when my husband died, you can offer sympathy you might even be able to relate, but we all know that you could not possibly know how I felt. Your feelings are not my feelings, and again there is the same general feelings, loss, hurt, despair, but mine are not the same as yours.
For me it's a build up, gradually over the years, married to a man who mentally abused me, and manipulated me into believing that I wasn't good enough, that I could never leave as no one would want me. Getting up each day and looking after the kids while going to work and smiling and laughing was a disguise, an excellent disguise as no one knew. Sure they knew he drank, but they also knew he didn't physically abuse me so how could I be suffering. I'm stubborn, just ask anyone who does know me LOL, and I did not speak up because this relationship was what I wanted, but in reality it wasn't but I felt to powerless to say anything. I've always presented as a strong minded woman who knew what she wanted, so how could I be so weak and ask for help, how could I let anyone see what was happening. I couldn't, so I didn't. I stayed quiet. What gave me the strength to leave was the kids. Staying for the kids is the worst reason for staying in a marriage or relationship ever, the absolute worst. And yet that was one of the reasons I stayed in the first place. But seeing how they were being affected, and the final fight when he told me to get out but leave the kids as he drunkenly leaned over me with a raised fist, was enough for me. I was lucky, I had a wonderful friend who took us in no questions asked.
Finding somewhere to live close to work and daycare, as I had no car, was an absolute must. I even had to get a furnished place as I had nothing. Just when I was starting to get it together the early morning phone calls started, always with some song playing and him trying to drunkenly woo me back. I'd stare at the closed door to the girls room and remain strong, I wasn't going anywhere. Waking up at 2 in the morning as he revved his car outside the flat, or the 3 am visit when he threw a rock through my bedroom window, led to me jumping at shadows. 1 night my brother was babysitting for me so I could go out to the local club, I came walking home and saw his car parked just down the road from my flat. I couldn't move, I stood there shaking, all the pleasure of a rare night out gone in an instant. I hid behind a tree, not sure what to do, when a passing headlight picked out the phone booth, I ducked in and called the police.
Fortune smiled on me in the form or a former school mate, who just happened to pick up the call. He moved my ex along quickly, followed him home so he wouldn't have an accident and he could be sure he didn't come back. I found out once I got home that he had tried to get into the flat but my brother stood firm and wouldn't let him in. I don't imagine he would of hurt the girls, not physically at least, but to find their father standing there yelling and swearing while drunk would not of been a mental image anyone would want.
With everything going on I still had to get up and go to work. One morning I dropped the girls off at daycare and just walked. I walked and walked, no idea where, just kept walking. About 3 hrs after I was supposed to start work, my boss drove up, I had finally stopped walking and was sitting in a bus stop. We talked, I cried, she cried, but I just couldn't do it anymore, I needed to quit my job. A job that I loved, but I was not dealing with life and I needed to be able to do that.
It took me a while before I could trust a man again, oh sure I trusted my brothers, and dad, and my male friends, but you know what I mean, no one was coming into my life. I was introduced to Don by my ex sister and brother in law LOL. Yep she was my exes sister and I was living with them and their 2 boys. They thought that Don would be perfect for me, I was skeptical LOL. What pushed me over was my youngests reaction, she would not let men near her, even her uncle who lived with us, but she liked Don. We moved in together, his sister and her family immigrated and we had Dale. Life was good. He was what I had been waiting for my whole life. But of course, life is cruel. We hadn't been married a year when he died of a heart attack. If it hadn't been for the kids I don't know what would of happened to me. They were what kept me going yet again.
Life hasn't been easy, raising kids alone never is, but it was the way it had to be.
You may or may not know that I work in a call centre at home. It's awesome, I don't have to get up and get dressed with make up and all. And it helps hide me, yep I'm admitting it. It hides me. I can smile and chat over the phone, but the second the call ends the smile disappears. I get told constantly how cheerful I am by callers and those who listen to the recorded calls, but that's the outside me, not the inside me. If I'm having a bad day the inside me is screaming or crying. But I've learnt to hide it well, after all I hid it from my kids for years because I didn't want them to feel they couldn't rely on Mum or that there was anything wrong. They didn't need to grow up in the shadow of Mum's problems. Now they are adults they know most of it. I don't sleep well, haven't for years. I've never had counselling because I'm tougher than that (yeh right). It's more that I'm too damn stubborn to admit to a weakness, but it's not a weakness, I just have to remember that.
I don't want you all to think that every day I walk around with voices screaming and crying in my head LOL, cause that's not it at all. I can tell when I'm going to start going down hill, there's nothing I can do about it, but I can tell, I can recognise the signs. I'll sit and stare at nothing, while a voice in my head tries to examine every little step I've taken over the years and what I could of done to change it. I recognise that this all happened and I can't change it, and that I would of made the same decisions I made then, but I tell myself I could of changed it, that I was weak.
Some days I can hear someone shouting up the road and my whole stomach seizes up and I start to feel sick, other days I'm walking up the drive way to listen in LOL. I don't get out of the house enough, I know that, but it's my safe zone, it's hard to leave.
So there you have it folks, my anxiety in a nut shell. Okay there is alot more to it than that, but I needed to get this down and get it out there. My way of dealing with it, I guess. I used to write poems, still do on occasion, but I handle depression and anxiety by getting it written down, I also vent alot on the pc lol.
Catch yas
Cathy
What happened to my fellow sufferers to trigger it did not happen to me, the act itself could of been the same, but the way we feel about it is not the same. No one can say to me they know how I feel, just as I can't say it to them. The same with anything else, like when my husband died, you can offer sympathy you might even be able to relate, but we all know that you could not possibly know how I felt. Your feelings are not my feelings, and again there is the same general feelings, loss, hurt, despair, but mine are not the same as yours.
For me it's a build up, gradually over the years, married to a man who mentally abused me, and manipulated me into believing that I wasn't good enough, that I could never leave as no one would want me. Getting up each day and looking after the kids while going to work and smiling and laughing was a disguise, an excellent disguise as no one knew. Sure they knew he drank, but they also knew he didn't physically abuse me so how could I be suffering. I'm stubborn, just ask anyone who does know me LOL, and I did not speak up because this relationship was what I wanted, but in reality it wasn't but I felt to powerless to say anything. I've always presented as a strong minded woman who knew what she wanted, so how could I be so weak and ask for help, how could I let anyone see what was happening. I couldn't, so I didn't. I stayed quiet. What gave me the strength to leave was the kids. Staying for the kids is the worst reason for staying in a marriage or relationship ever, the absolute worst. And yet that was one of the reasons I stayed in the first place. But seeing how they were being affected, and the final fight when he told me to get out but leave the kids as he drunkenly leaned over me with a raised fist, was enough for me. I was lucky, I had a wonderful friend who took us in no questions asked.
Finding somewhere to live close to work and daycare, as I had no car, was an absolute must. I even had to get a furnished place as I had nothing. Just when I was starting to get it together the early morning phone calls started, always with some song playing and him trying to drunkenly woo me back. I'd stare at the closed door to the girls room and remain strong, I wasn't going anywhere. Waking up at 2 in the morning as he revved his car outside the flat, or the 3 am visit when he threw a rock through my bedroom window, led to me jumping at shadows. 1 night my brother was babysitting for me so I could go out to the local club, I came walking home and saw his car parked just down the road from my flat. I couldn't move, I stood there shaking, all the pleasure of a rare night out gone in an instant. I hid behind a tree, not sure what to do, when a passing headlight picked out the phone booth, I ducked in and called the police.
Fortune smiled on me in the form or a former school mate, who just happened to pick up the call. He moved my ex along quickly, followed him home so he wouldn't have an accident and he could be sure he didn't come back. I found out once I got home that he had tried to get into the flat but my brother stood firm and wouldn't let him in. I don't imagine he would of hurt the girls, not physically at least, but to find their father standing there yelling and swearing while drunk would not of been a mental image anyone would want.
With everything going on I still had to get up and go to work. One morning I dropped the girls off at daycare and just walked. I walked and walked, no idea where, just kept walking. About 3 hrs after I was supposed to start work, my boss drove up, I had finally stopped walking and was sitting in a bus stop. We talked, I cried, she cried, but I just couldn't do it anymore, I needed to quit my job. A job that I loved, but I was not dealing with life and I needed to be able to do that.
It took me a while before I could trust a man again, oh sure I trusted my brothers, and dad, and my male friends, but you know what I mean, no one was coming into my life. I was introduced to Don by my ex sister and brother in law LOL. Yep she was my exes sister and I was living with them and their 2 boys. They thought that Don would be perfect for me, I was skeptical LOL. What pushed me over was my youngests reaction, she would not let men near her, even her uncle who lived with us, but she liked Don. We moved in together, his sister and her family immigrated and we had Dale. Life was good. He was what I had been waiting for my whole life. But of course, life is cruel. We hadn't been married a year when he died of a heart attack. If it hadn't been for the kids I don't know what would of happened to me. They were what kept me going yet again.
Life hasn't been easy, raising kids alone never is, but it was the way it had to be.
You may or may not know that I work in a call centre at home. It's awesome, I don't have to get up and get dressed with make up and all. And it helps hide me, yep I'm admitting it. It hides me. I can smile and chat over the phone, but the second the call ends the smile disappears. I get told constantly how cheerful I am by callers and those who listen to the recorded calls, but that's the outside me, not the inside me. If I'm having a bad day the inside me is screaming or crying. But I've learnt to hide it well, after all I hid it from my kids for years because I didn't want them to feel they couldn't rely on Mum or that there was anything wrong. They didn't need to grow up in the shadow of Mum's problems. Now they are adults they know most of it. I don't sleep well, haven't for years. I've never had counselling because I'm tougher than that (yeh right). It's more that I'm too damn stubborn to admit to a weakness, but it's not a weakness, I just have to remember that.
I don't want you all to think that every day I walk around with voices screaming and crying in my head LOL, cause that's not it at all. I can tell when I'm going to start going down hill, there's nothing I can do about it, but I can tell, I can recognise the signs. I'll sit and stare at nothing, while a voice in my head tries to examine every little step I've taken over the years and what I could of done to change it. I recognise that this all happened and I can't change it, and that I would of made the same decisions I made then, but I tell myself I could of changed it, that I was weak.
Some days I can hear someone shouting up the road and my whole stomach seizes up and I start to feel sick, other days I'm walking up the drive way to listen in LOL. I don't get out of the house enough, I know that, but it's my safe zone, it's hard to leave.
So there you have it folks, my anxiety in a nut shell. Okay there is alot more to it than that, but I needed to get this down and get it out there. My way of dealing with it, I guess. I used to write poems, still do on occasion, but I handle depression and anxiety by getting it written down, I also vent alot on the pc lol.
Catch yas
Cathy
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