Dad

 

My Dad died on the 2nd June 2021, his funeral was yesterday, 10th June 2021.     

Before his funeral, his partner Lyn, sent us a missive written by Dad when he was 76. It was hard to read, but at the same time, a must read. I now have so much more understanding of why he was the father and man he was. 

We learnt so many things about him, that we had no idea about, simple things like the fact he was a Scout Leader in 1958, the year the first of us was born, so no surprise we didn't know. The fact that he was in the Blaxland Progress Association, I didn't even know there was one lol. But the biggest thing was about his childhood, how he and his sister grew up after their mother died so young. 

It explained so much about why he was who he was, why he acted the way he did. Any one that thinks you aren't a product of your childhood is mistaken. I'm not saying that if you were abused, you'll be an abuser, but there is going to be something that shapes us. If we were abused, it's a choice to turn around and do the same or to be completely different. Dad wasn't abused by the way, at least not physically, but I think in a way he was abused mentally. The world was a different place, WW2 came when he was a child, his widowed father wanted to do his bit, and did, but it meant his children had to live with relatives. And that they were split up in the end, meaning that when they tried to connect later in life, they were worlds apart. Don't get me wrong, Dad loved his sister Janice, as did we all, but there was never the bond that he wished they'd had.     

He lived all over the place, I'm not going to list them, and I believe because of that, he preferred the peace of his own company, instead of hunting out people to converse with and form relationships with. He couldn't relate to many because his life was so different.  When he became a father, he had no reference point. He had no idea what was expected of him, as he hadn't been properly fathered himself. When his Dad returned to his life, and Dad moved back in with him, Dad was already 12, a very independent 12. He had a Dad that didn't know how to be a Dad and he didn't know how to be a son. 

Probably because of all the women he and his sister lived with, he became somewhat of a feminist. Which worked out great since Mum was very much a feminist, no man was going to tell her she couldn't work lol. When I came along, he was not going to be the sort of man to keep his daughter locked up and relying on a man. But, at the same time, as I grew up, and became the rebel daughter, I'd catch glimpses of the chauvinist in him. If I came home late from a friends, I was questioned relentlessly, and yet my brothers could do the same, and there was no issue. The boys had outside chores, mine were all confined to the house. I was encouraged to learn to drive, to get a job, and even bought my first car of him. He never told me or made me feel, that I was less than my brothers in all the ways that count. 

He was not demonstrative, but we knew we were loved. I don't think he knew how to be demonstrative with us, and that hurts me to the core. But I have a better understanding of it, now I know more about how he was shaped. He talked about how he 'abandoned' Mum, his word not mine. I feel that he judged himself harshly with that word. Not saying he didn't leave her and that he broke all our hearts, but she wasn't left penniless on the street with 3 kids to care for. He left her, yes, but he left a strong woman that grew and didn't wither away and die without a man to protect her. There is still feelings of resentment there for his action, but I think it's more the fact that when Mum developed Alzheimers, it was supposed to be the man who'd promised to love and honour her caring for her, not her children. I, for one deeply resented him for that, but I still loved him regardless. 

My feelings have been all over the place as I've read his words and learnt so much about him. Hearing the words of others at his funeral also shaped a picture of someone I didn't even know. He wrote about my leaving my ex husband, and his belief that I was keeping the girls from their father. That hurt me, the fact that he thought that I would or could even do something like that, was like being stabbed in the heart. For the record, I didn't stop him from seeing his kids, he chose to stop seeing them. Didn't even tell me, just didn't turn up to pick them up, and didn't answer his phone. He left it up to a friend of mine to tell me Who the fuck does that sort of shit. But his words were written 9 years ago, I would like to believe that he had learnt the truth from my musings, at the very least. 

Regardless of how we were as kids, or how Dad was, we knew he was proud of us. We connected better as adults than we ever did when we were younger, and that makes me sad, but it is what it is, there is no going back. He loved his children, grandchildren and great grandchildren with a passion. He'd play games with them, listen to their tales, and watch them play with delight, they are his legacy. He may not have been able to parent as he should have, but he was a wonder to watch when playing with the grandkids and great grandkids. 

I'm happy that he had 40 wonderful years with Lyn, and that he turned into the man he may have been if he'd had the chance when younger. I'm glad he was loved, and had someone by his side while he dealt with the 11 years of cancer. And I'm glad he had barely any pain that whole time, and that he only had to spend 24 hrs in palliative care before he left this world. I will miss him for as long as I live, but shall celebrate the fact he went as quickly as he wanted, and lived his life to the fullest, right up until that end. 

My cousin and I, imagine that he is with his Mum, Dad and sister Janice, maybe sitting around a table and getting to know each other, as they should have been able to, all those years ago. 

A chapter has closed, a new one will begin. Love ya Dad 💓

'The Reaper comes for us all when he is ready. There is no extension of time, or pleas that will turn him from our door. He does not listen when we say we aren't ready, that we need more time to tell someone we love them, he doesn't care. Spend your lives wisely, enjoy, live, love, laugh and cry. Be sure those you leave behind, know about you, open yourself to them, they won't turn away, they will embrace your honesty and love.'

Catch yas

Cathy