I hate this time of year. Not because it's Winter, because I love Winter. Not because it's almost tax time, I never have to pay extra so that's a good thing. Not because it's the middle of yet another year, and it's raced past. Nope this is the time of year, in fact in 3 days, that I lost my love. For those of you who know me, you know that this happened back on the 21st June 1993, so quite some time ago. A day doesn't go past that I haven't thought of Don in the last 24 years. It's easier of course, the first year is always the hardest as everyone says, but it still fucking sucks.
He has missed out on so much, our kids growing up, our daughters getting married and having children. Our son maturing into a wonderful young man, celebrating his anniversary with his much loved girlfriend this weekend. His boys are so much older now, well yeh of course they are, we all are. The world is a different place. So many new inventions, so many medical breakthroughs, so many others who we have loved have now joined him, living only in our hearts and minds. And of course he has been missed.
I don't dwell on what could of been. I learnt a long time ago that that is pointless and heartbreaking. I do wonder what he would make of our lives now. One thing I am sure of is that he would be so proud of his children and grandchildren. Even after all these years I can still remember in detail the call from the hospital, the drive over there, and the heartbreak that followed. I remember the next day and the day after, I remember it all. And at this time of year it all comes back. The lead up memories until the culmination on the 21st. That is always the hardest day.
Each day I get up and get dressed, just like the day before and the same as I will tomorrow. I live on, I deal, I have to and I will continue to do so. Don is in my heart, he is in my soul, and always will be.
Because this is the time of year I am most depressed I find it harder to deal with Mum. But deal with Mum I must. We went shopping today because I worked Saturday, and every time we were at a checkout, she complained about her daughter not letting her do something or other. Normally I would of just made a joke of it, but this time of year, it hurts. I know that once I'm passed this, it will get back to normal (not that anything is normal anymore) but today it hurts. Telling Mum today that operating her 2 button dryer is easy, and that I wrote instructions for both the dryer and washing machine down for her, wasn't frustrating, it wasn't even something I could work up a joke over, it was just depressing. Trying to drum up a laugh at her stories, or memories that are just total bullshit was just to hard. I didn't argue with her, I didn't talk much at all. I just locked myself in my head.
Some days all I want to do is just curl up in a corner and do nothing. It's all just too fucking hard. Mum will talk about going for a drive, something I know she loves to do, and I do enjoy driving, but the thought of listening to her at the moment is just to damn much, I need this time of year to be quiet. I don't need drama, I don't need to be reminded that my once vital mother, who loved working, patchwork, shopping and visiting friends is no more. So yeh, locked in my head all day. In one way I'm glad I'm working this week, there's less time to think, less time to pretend to myself that I feel okay. I'll just fake it and no one will know.
Sorry this is not my usual upbeat blog guys, but this is my current reality.
Catch yas
Cathy
Sunday, June 18, 2017
Saturday, May 27, 2017
Life in the Twilight Zone - Ummm What
So the other day I had a totally bizarre convo with Mum, well most of our convos are bizarre these days, but this one had me stumped.
Mum: "So how's Dale doing at school?"
Me: "He doesn't go to school."
Mum: "What? Is he being truant?"
Me: "No."
I was driving when we had this convo so I was trying to concentrate on that and not run us off the side of a cliff, or into a tree.
Mum: "Oh no, he didn't leave early did he? Surely he's not old enough."
Me: "He's 26 Mum, so yeh he's old enough."
Mum: "What? How can he be that old already?"
Me: "Well he had these things called birthdays Mum, and well he was born in 1991."
Mum: "That's impossible, that much time can't have gone past"
Me" "Well sorry but yeh it has."
Mum: "But he moved with his father to Queensland, seems like only yesterday."
At this point I realised, thankfully she wasn't talking about Dale, she was talking about Jayden, my grandson.
Me: "Oh, you're talking about Jayden."
Mum: "That's who I said, Dale."
Me: "You just said Dale again Mum."
Mum: "Rubbish, I know what I'm saying."
At that stage she started to sulk, while I drove along rolling my eyes LOL.
Oh and the allowance thingie I talked about last blog, well yeh that's changed. She went great for a week, second week, she'd spent her full allowance in one day.
Me: "Mum, what did you spend the money on."
Mum: "Well I had coffee and got the paper."
Me: "Good, I'm glad, but that didn't cost $70."
Mum: "I bought some other stuff."
Me: "What else did you buy Mum? You certainly didn't need anything because we went shopping on Saturday, and on Sunday you spent the whole of your allowance."
Mum: "Why would I spend that much money in one day?"
Me: "That's what I'm asking Mum."
Mum: "Your brother must of taken it, or you forgot to give it to me."
She has a habit of blaming Andrew for all sorts of things, he doesn't care, he ignores it all LOL. She once told me he'd sold her blower vac, I'd asked her if she'd checked the shed, and she had said, no he won't let me in there. I asked Andrew for the vac, and he got it straight out of the shed LOL. Oh and he apparently also sold her mower, sitting at my place cause I'd borrowed it, her garden shears, sitting in the cupboard where she'd left them, and numerous other things, which have all since been located, oh and her broken ladder, which is a scream cause hey it's broken, and again at my place LOL.
So she did this for 2 weeks, and now I've decided to withhold, I leave her with $20 in her wallet, and she thinks that's all she has for the week. Magically more will appear during the week LOL, But she is not wasting her money left right and centre. I was limiting her spending to get a load of firewood for her, that's now done, and she's still in the black in her account, the next big bill which will come in will be the car rego, and after that I plan on saving for her to get a new dryer. Normally she'd have nothing, and be at the full overdraft limit, and not remember what she spent any of it on. Now I have the control over it all, she has credit for the first time in years. And yet she is unaware of it LOL, but that's a good thing, if she understood it all, she'd be over at the bank getting her money LOL.
Oh and that's another thing, the firewood. I went around to pop some more money in her wallet, and let her know when we were going shopping, told her about the firewood and the great bargain I got for her, and what did she say? If you're thinking thanks, you'd be wrong. She proceeded to whine about how cold her house was, how the washing couldn't get dry, how she was so tired and bored. I reiterated the fact I'd organised the firewood, and she reiterated all her whining. I understand this is hard for her, so I just quietly listened but on the inside, I was screaming.
Anyway enough from me for now, got a shitload of yard work to get done, yes yard work, and I hate it LOL.
Catch yas
Cathy
Mum: "So how's Dale doing at school?"
Me: "He doesn't go to school."
Mum: "What? Is he being truant?"
Me: "No."
I was driving when we had this convo so I was trying to concentrate on that and not run us off the side of a cliff, or into a tree.
Mum: "Oh no, he didn't leave early did he? Surely he's not old enough."
Me: "He's 26 Mum, so yeh he's old enough."
Mum: "What? How can he be that old already?"
Me: "Well he had these things called birthdays Mum, and well he was born in 1991."
Mum: "That's impossible, that much time can't have gone past"
Me" "Well sorry but yeh it has."
Mum: "But he moved with his father to Queensland, seems like only yesterday."
At this point I realised, thankfully she wasn't talking about Dale, she was talking about Jayden, my grandson.
Me: "Oh, you're talking about Jayden."
Mum: "That's who I said, Dale."
Me: "You just said Dale again Mum."
Mum: "Rubbish, I know what I'm saying."
At that stage she started to sulk, while I drove along rolling my eyes LOL.
Oh and the allowance thingie I talked about last blog, well yeh that's changed. She went great for a week, second week, she'd spent her full allowance in one day.
Me: "Mum, what did you spend the money on."
Mum: "Well I had coffee and got the paper."
Me: "Good, I'm glad, but that didn't cost $70."
Mum: "I bought some other stuff."
Me: "What else did you buy Mum? You certainly didn't need anything because we went shopping on Saturday, and on Sunday you spent the whole of your allowance."
Mum: "Why would I spend that much money in one day?"
Me: "That's what I'm asking Mum."
Mum: "Your brother must of taken it, or you forgot to give it to me."
She has a habit of blaming Andrew for all sorts of things, he doesn't care, he ignores it all LOL. She once told me he'd sold her blower vac, I'd asked her if she'd checked the shed, and she had said, no he won't let me in there. I asked Andrew for the vac, and he got it straight out of the shed LOL. Oh and he apparently also sold her mower, sitting at my place cause I'd borrowed it, her garden shears, sitting in the cupboard where she'd left them, and numerous other things, which have all since been located, oh and her broken ladder, which is a scream cause hey it's broken, and again at my place LOL.
So she did this for 2 weeks, and now I've decided to withhold, I leave her with $20 in her wallet, and she thinks that's all she has for the week. Magically more will appear during the week LOL, But she is not wasting her money left right and centre. I was limiting her spending to get a load of firewood for her, that's now done, and she's still in the black in her account, the next big bill which will come in will be the car rego, and after that I plan on saving for her to get a new dryer. Normally she'd have nothing, and be at the full overdraft limit, and not remember what she spent any of it on. Now I have the control over it all, she has credit for the first time in years. And yet she is unaware of it LOL, but that's a good thing, if she understood it all, she'd be over at the bank getting her money LOL.
Oh and that's another thing, the firewood. I went around to pop some more money in her wallet, and let her know when we were going shopping, told her about the firewood and the great bargain I got for her, and what did she say? If you're thinking thanks, you'd be wrong. She proceeded to whine about how cold her house was, how the washing couldn't get dry, how she was so tired and bored. I reiterated the fact I'd organised the firewood, and she reiterated all her whining. I understand this is hard for her, so I just quietly listened but on the inside, I was screaming.
Anyway enough from me for now, got a shitload of yard work to get done, yes yard work, and I hate it LOL.
Catch yas
Cathy
Thursday, March 23, 2017
Life in the Twilight Zone - How much allowance is too much?
Yesterday it became obvious that Mum is no longer able to handle her own banking. I turned up to pick her up for shopping, and as always checked her wallet to make sure she had her eftpos card. She didn't, and she didn't have enough cash for shopping. I asked her where it was and she had no idea, I also noticed her pension card was not where I'd put it in her wallet. She didn't know where that was either. And so began the epic hunt for the card.
I turned her house upside down looking for it, nothing. Found the pension card tucked away in her wardrobe, yes I wondered why it was in there too, but was no point in asking her cause she wouldn't have any idea or she'd claim my brother must of hidden it there. Why he'd want to hide it, or even care about it has me beat.
"Mum when did you last use your card, I know you had it Saturday because I saw it."
"Oh, I used it Saturday."
"No Mum you didn't, you had cash was no need to use the card."
"So why did you say I had it."
"Because you did Mum, but you didn't need it."
"Well that doesn't make sense"
"Mum, just tell me when you last used it."
"Well I lost it, then the man at the bank told me I couldn't have any of my money and he took the card off me and wouldn't give it back."
I found that highly doubtful, especially when there is no men working at her branch.
"We will just have to wait for the bank to open and go and report it lost then."
"Oh okay, where did you put it?"
"Nevermind Mum, we'll go to the bank."
Turns out she had gone to the bank to report it lost on Friday, so they cancelled it and requested a replacement. She had no money in her account, so she was limited to shopping with here $55 in cash, which she did easily as she didn't need much, she wanted a lot just didn't need it and I was merciless.
While in the bank, I spoke to them about what I had to do re Power of Attorney, I realised it was time. I planned to pick it up from the lawyers and take it to the bank, giving me power over her account without her present. So I go to the bank, and apparently, not only did she report it lost on Friday, had it on her on Saturday, she tried to use it in the ATM on Monday and naturally the card got taken. The lady said that she had seemed very confused and thought it was Pension Day. I thanked them both for their understanding and the plan was that I would keep the card when it came and give Mum an allowance, and as they have the Power of Attorney, if she goes into the bank to report her card lost, they know to either contact me, or recommend she call me. She did not know this plan LOL.
Anyway, I'm around there this afternoon, took some clothes around I'd run through my dryer for her, and tackled some of the expired food in her pantry. 3 bags of crap I had to throw out, and I bought 2 back here with me, and her pantry still looks full lol. I was talking to my brother about the card, he'd hid it from Mum when it came, and she comes over and says,
"Cathy, when the new card comes I'd like you to take it for me. I thought that maybe I could have an allowance, and wouldn't have to worry about losing the card again."
Talk about gobsmacked LOL.
"Oh, ummm that's a great idea Mum."
"I was thinking if you gave me $100 a week, so I can still get my coffee and paper and anything else I might need."
And then I thought, she does not need $100 for coffee and a paper everyday, she is obviously still thinking she can go to the shops and buy more shit she doesn't need.
"Mum, I'm thinking $50 will be enough. If you do need anything at the shops, just let me know and I can give you more, or Andrew can get it for you."
She didn't look to impressed with that one, but grudgingly accepted it. Now I know that tomorrow she will have forgotten the whole conversation, but it was wonderful that she suggested it. I knew that I was going to do it anyway, but the whole idea was depressing me no end, and so when she suggested it, and I have my brother as a witness, it made the decision so much easier.
I'm expecting a call asking if I know where her card is any minute now LOL.
Catch yas
Cathy
I turned her house upside down looking for it, nothing. Found the pension card tucked away in her wardrobe, yes I wondered why it was in there too, but was no point in asking her cause she wouldn't have any idea or she'd claim my brother must of hidden it there. Why he'd want to hide it, or even care about it has me beat.
"Mum when did you last use your card, I know you had it Saturday because I saw it."
"Oh, I used it Saturday."
"No Mum you didn't, you had cash was no need to use the card."
"So why did you say I had it."
"Because you did Mum, but you didn't need it."
"Well that doesn't make sense"
"Mum, just tell me when you last used it."
"Well I lost it, then the man at the bank told me I couldn't have any of my money and he took the card off me and wouldn't give it back."
I found that highly doubtful, especially when there is no men working at her branch.
"We will just have to wait for the bank to open and go and report it lost then."
"Oh okay, where did you put it?"
"Nevermind Mum, we'll go to the bank."
Turns out she had gone to the bank to report it lost on Friday, so they cancelled it and requested a replacement. She had no money in her account, so she was limited to shopping with here $55 in cash, which she did easily as she didn't need much, she wanted a lot just didn't need it and I was merciless.
While in the bank, I spoke to them about what I had to do re Power of Attorney, I realised it was time. I planned to pick it up from the lawyers and take it to the bank, giving me power over her account without her present. So I go to the bank, and apparently, not only did she report it lost on Friday, had it on her on Saturday, she tried to use it in the ATM on Monday and naturally the card got taken. The lady said that she had seemed very confused and thought it was Pension Day. I thanked them both for their understanding and the plan was that I would keep the card when it came and give Mum an allowance, and as they have the Power of Attorney, if she goes into the bank to report her card lost, they know to either contact me, or recommend she call me. She did not know this plan LOL.
Anyway, I'm around there this afternoon, took some clothes around I'd run through my dryer for her, and tackled some of the expired food in her pantry. 3 bags of crap I had to throw out, and I bought 2 back here with me, and her pantry still looks full lol. I was talking to my brother about the card, he'd hid it from Mum when it came, and she comes over and says,
"Cathy, when the new card comes I'd like you to take it for me. I thought that maybe I could have an allowance, and wouldn't have to worry about losing the card again."
Talk about gobsmacked LOL.
"Oh, ummm that's a great idea Mum."
"I was thinking if you gave me $100 a week, so I can still get my coffee and paper and anything else I might need."
And then I thought, she does not need $100 for coffee and a paper everyday, she is obviously still thinking she can go to the shops and buy more shit she doesn't need.
"Mum, I'm thinking $50 will be enough. If you do need anything at the shops, just let me know and I can give you more, or Andrew can get it for you."
She didn't look to impressed with that one, but grudgingly accepted it. Now I know that tomorrow she will have forgotten the whole conversation, but it was wonderful that she suggested it. I knew that I was going to do it anyway, but the whole idea was depressing me no end, and so when she suggested it, and I have my brother as a witness, it made the decision so much easier.
I'm expecting a call asking if I know where her card is any minute now LOL.
Catch yas
Cathy
Friday, March 17, 2017
Shadowland
While I was tossing and turning last night, that's how I began to think of my mind. It's a shadowland. Full of past thoughts and things learnt, brimming with experience and regret. Overflowing with what ifs and whys, an endless space crammed full of absolute crap meaningless and random, my memories swirl together in some macabre dance that only the precious sleep of nothingness can end.
My brain flits from one shadow to the next, following a random path that leads nowhere but keeps my head spinning, unable to shut down. I'd like to be able to design a switch that I can just shut off before trying to go to sleep, unfortunately when I've tried my mind goes off on some weird tangent about what if we could just switch off, or maybe we could do it this, or how about....... and the spinning continues. Or I'll relive a memory in every horrible detail, I rarely have good memories while trying to sleep, I try to turn away and think of something wonderful, but my brain does not respond.
I remember every single moment from the time the hospital called me 24 years ago. I remember loading the kids in the car, taking them to the in laws and picking up my sister in law. I remember driving, I even remember the amount of traffic and the fact we got 3 red lights. I didn't speed, there was no point. I knew it in my heart that he was gone despite them not saying anything over the phone. I remember getting in the elevator and going up to the 3rd floor and being greeted by the sister on the floor that night. I remember clutching my hands together in the vain hope all would be fine, and I was just over reacting. I knew from the look on her face he was gone, I remember doubling over in pain. I remember walking up to the room he was in, and just letting go. I remember it all and at first I used to relive it constantly, now it is one of those memories that will suddenly come out, and even while reliving it all over again, I'll wonder at how it could still all be exactly the same after all this time.
The next night I'll be trying to sleep and it won't be anything about memories, just random stupid thoughts. I might for some reason think of putting on some washing in the morning, then it will switch to how great it would be to be able to afford to send all my laundry out and have someone else do it, or have a maid, and of course that will lead to my state of wealth, and then onto winning the lottery, what would I do with the money. I'd buy a house of course, oh what about furniture, or how big the house, and then there's the garden. I hate gardening, but hey I've won the lottery, I could have people to do it for me. Next random leap would be to oh have people that's so funny, and I could say my people will get in contact with your people, and then I'd be off thinking about a movie where I was the main character with people LOL.
See what I mean, it's a real shadowland, and you don't want to get trapped there. I would like to be able to go to bed, switch off the lamp and have my brain switch off at the same time. Even if I get a good nights sleep, hour wise, I still wake up exhausted because my brain has been in overtime all night. Would be nice to get paid for all that overtime LOL.
The shadows of memories and experiences chase each other around and around. I have a word that sometimes works but not always, it's PUSH. I'll be lying there thoughts spinning and just repeat over and over PUSH. Sometimes it works other times it leads to me suddenly thinking about a pushbike, oh I remember my old dragster well, secondhand piece of crap but I thought it was awesome, or pushing baby Tara down to her grandparents place or around the block because she was teething and restless, or pushing a swing, hey swings are cool, and off we go again.
So there we have it, shadowland, and I think it's aptly named. I got 5 hrs sleep last night, had to take Mum shopping this morning and I'm totally and utterly exhausted. I could try a nap but my brain might start again LOL.
Catch yas
Cathy
My brain flits from one shadow to the next, following a random path that leads nowhere but keeps my head spinning, unable to shut down. I'd like to be able to design a switch that I can just shut off before trying to go to sleep, unfortunately when I've tried my mind goes off on some weird tangent about what if we could just switch off, or maybe we could do it this, or how about....... and the spinning continues. Or I'll relive a memory in every horrible detail, I rarely have good memories while trying to sleep, I try to turn away and think of something wonderful, but my brain does not respond.
I remember every single moment from the time the hospital called me 24 years ago. I remember loading the kids in the car, taking them to the in laws and picking up my sister in law. I remember driving, I even remember the amount of traffic and the fact we got 3 red lights. I didn't speed, there was no point. I knew it in my heart that he was gone despite them not saying anything over the phone. I remember getting in the elevator and going up to the 3rd floor and being greeted by the sister on the floor that night. I remember clutching my hands together in the vain hope all would be fine, and I was just over reacting. I knew from the look on her face he was gone, I remember doubling over in pain. I remember walking up to the room he was in, and just letting go. I remember it all and at first I used to relive it constantly, now it is one of those memories that will suddenly come out, and even while reliving it all over again, I'll wonder at how it could still all be exactly the same after all this time.
The next night I'll be trying to sleep and it won't be anything about memories, just random stupid thoughts. I might for some reason think of putting on some washing in the morning, then it will switch to how great it would be to be able to afford to send all my laundry out and have someone else do it, or have a maid, and of course that will lead to my state of wealth, and then onto winning the lottery, what would I do with the money. I'd buy a house of course, oh what about furniture, or how big the house, and then there's the garden. I hate gardening, but hey I've won the lottery, I could have people to do it for me. Next random leap would be to oh have people that's so funny, and I could say my people will get in contact with your people, and then I'd be off thinking about a movie where I was the main character with people LOL.
See what I mean, it's a real shadowland, and you don't want to get trapped there. I would like to be able to go to bed, switch off the lamp and have my brain switch off at the same time. Even if I get a good nights sleep, hour wise, I still wake up exhausted because my brain has been in overtime all night. Would be nice to get paid for all that overtime LOL.
The shadows of memories and experiences chase each other around and around. I have a word that sometimes works but not always, it's PUSH. I'll be lying there thoughts spinning and just repeat over and over PUSH. Sometimes it works other times it leads to me suddenly thinking about a pushbike, oh I remember my old dragster well, secondhand piece of crap but I thought it was awesome, or pushing baby Tara down to her grandparents place or around the block because she was teething and restless, or pushing a swing, hey swings are cool, and off we go again.
So there we have it, shadowland, and I think it's aptly named. I got 5 hrs sleep last night, had to take Mum shopping this morning and I'm totally and utterly exhausted. I could try a nap but my brain might start again LOL.
Catch yas
Cathy
Saturday, March 11, 2017
Smiling on the Outside
I suffer from anxiety and depression, like many others, and I feel it differently to them, just like they feel it differently to me. The same general feelings are there, but it's how we feel about them on the inside that is different because we are all different, and the reasons for our anxiety and depression are different.
What happened to my fellow sufferers to trigger it did not happen to me, the act itself could of been the same, but the way we feel about it is not the same. No one can say to me they know how I feel, just as I can't say it to them. The same with anything else, like when my husband died, you can offer sympathy you might even be able to relate, but we all know that you could not possibly know how I felt. Your feelings are not my feelings, and again there is the same general feelings, loss, hurt, despair, but mine are not the same as yours.
For me it's a build up, gradually over the years, married to a man who mentally abused me, and manipulated me into believing that I wasn't good enough, that I could never leave as no one would want me. Getting up each day and looking after the kids while going to work and smiling and laughing was a disguise, an excellent disguise as no one knew. Sure they knew he drank, but they also knew he didn't physically abuse me so how could I be suffering. I'm stubborn, just ask anyone who does know me LOL, and I did not speak up because this relationship was what I wanted, but in reality it wasn't but I felt to powerless to say anything. I've always presented as a strong minded woman who knew what she wanted, so how could I be so weak and ask for help, how could I let anyone see what was happening. I couldn't, so I didn't. I stayed quiet. What gave me the strength to leave was the kids. Staying for the kids is the worst reason for staying in a marriage or relationship ever, the absolute worst. And yet that was one of the reasons I stayed in the first place. But seeing how they were being affected, and the final fight when he told me to get out but leave the kids as he drunkenly leaned over me with a raised fist, was enough for me. I was lucky, I had a wonderful friend who took us in no questions asked.
Finding somewhere to live close to work and daycare, as I had no car, was an absolute must. I even had to get a furnished place as I had nothing. Just when I was starting to get it together the early morning phone calls started, always with some song playing and him trying to drunkenly woo me back. I'd stare at the closed door to the girls room and remain strong, I wasn't going anywhere. Waking up at 2 in the morning as he revved his car outside the flat, or the 3 am visit when he threw a rock through my bedroom window, led to me jumping at shadows. 1 night my brother was babysitting for me so I could go out to the local club, I came walking home and saw his car parked just down the road from my flat. I couldn't move, I stood there shaking, all the pleasure of a rare night out gone in an instant. I hid behind a tree, not sure what to do, when a passing headlight picked out the phone booth, I ducked in and called the police.
Fortune smiled on me in the form or a former school mate, who just happened to pick up the call. He moved my ex along quickly, followed him home so he wouldn't have an accident and he could be sure he didn't come back. I found out once I got home that he had tried to get into the flat but my brother stood firm and wouldn't let him in. I don't imagine he would of hurt the girls, not physically at least, but to find their father standing there yelling and swearing while drunk would not of been a mental image anyone would want.
With everything going on I still had to get up and go to work. One morning I dropped the girls off at daycare and just walked. I walked and walked, no idea where, just kept walking. About 3 hrs after I was supposed to start work, my boss drove up, I had finally stopped walking and was sitting in a bus stop. We talked, I cried, she cried, but I just couldn't do it anymore, I needed to quit my job. A job that I loved, but I was not dealing with life and I needed to be able to do that.
It took me a while before I could trust a man again, oh sure I trusted my brothers, and dad, and my male friends, but you know what I mean, no one was coming into my life. I was introduced to Don by my ex sister and brother in law LOL. Yep she was my exes sister and I was living with them and their 2 boys. They thought that Don would be perfect for me, I was skeptical LOL. What pushed me over was my youngests reaction, she would not let men near her, even her uncle who lived with us, but she liked Don. We moved in together, his sister and her family immigrated and we had Dale. Life was good. He was what I had been waiting for my whole life. But of course, life is cruel. We hadn't been married a year when he died of a heart attack. If it hadn't been for the kids I don't know what would of happened to me. They were what kept me going yet again.
Life hasn't been easy, raising kids alone never is, but it was the way it had to be.
You may or may not know that I work in a call centre at home. It's awesome, I don't have to get up and get dressed with make up and all. And it helps hide me, yep I'm admitting it. It hides me. I can smile and chat over the phone, but the second the call ends the smile disappears. I get told constantly how cheerful I am by callers and those who listen to the recorded calls, but that's the outside me, not the inside me. If I'm having a bad day the inside me is screaming or crying. But I've learnt to hide it well, after all I hid it from my kids for years because I didn't want them to feel they couldn't rely on Mum or that there was anything wrong. They didn't need to grow up in the shadow of Mum's problems. Now they are adults they know most of it. I don't sleep well, haven't for years. I've never had counselling because I'm tougher than that (yeh right). It's more that I'm too damn stubborn to admit to a weakness, but it's not a weakness, I just have to remember that.
I don't want you all to think that every day I walk around with voices screaming and crying in my head LOL, cause that's not it at all. I can tell when I'm going to start going down hill, there's nothing I can do about it, but I can tell, I can recognise the signs. I'll sit and stare at nothing, while a voice in my head tries to examine every little step I've taken over the years and what I could of done to change it. I recognise that this all happened and I can't change it, and that I would of made the same decisions I made then, but I tell myself I could of changed it, that I was weak.
Some days I can hear someone shouting up the road and my whole stomach seizes up and I start to feel sick, other days I'm walking up the drive way to listen in LOL. I don't get out of the house enough, I know that, but it's my safe zone, it's hard to leave.
So there you have it folks, my anxiety in a nut shell. Okay there is alot more to it than that, but I needed to get this down and get it out there. My way of dealing with it, I guess. I used to write poems, still do on occasion, but I handle depression and anxiety by getting it written down, I also vent alot on the pc lol.
Catch yas
Cathy
What happened to my fellow sufferers to trigger it did not happen to me, the act itself could of been the same, but the way we feel about it is not the same. No one can say to me they know how I feel, just as I can't say it to them. The same with anything else, like when my husband died, you can offer sympathy you might even be able to relate, but we all know that you could not possibly know how I felt. Your feelings are not my feelings, and again there is the same general feelings, loss, hurt, despair, but mine are not the same as yours.
For me it's a build up, gradually over the years, married to a man who mentally abused me, and manipulated me into believing that I wasn't good enough, that I could never leave as no one would want me. Getting up each day and looking after the kids while going to work and smiling and laughing was a disguise, an excellent disguise as no one knew. Sure they knew he drank, but they also knew he didn't physically abuse me so how could I be suffering. I'm stubborn, just ask anyone who does know me LOL, and I did not speak up because this relationship was what I wanted, but in reality it wasn't but I felt to powerless to say anything. I've always presented as a strong minded woman who knew what she wanted, so how could I be so weak and ask for help, how could I let anyone see what was happening. I couldn't, so I didn't. I stayed quiet. What gave me the strength to leave was the kids. Staying for the kids is the worst reason for staying in a marriage or relationship ever, the absolute worst. And yet that was one of the reasons I stayed in the first place. But seeing how they were being affected, and the final fight when he told me to get out but leave the kids as he drunkenly leaned over me with a raised fist, was enough for me. I was lucky, I had a wonderful friend who took us in no questions asked.
Finding somewhere to live close to work and daycare, as I had no car, was an absolute must. I even had to get a furnished place as I had nothing. Just when I was starting to get it together the early morning phone calls started, always with some song playing and him trying to drunkenly woo me back. I'd stare at the closed door to the girls room and remain strong, I wasn't going anywhere. Waking up at 2 in the morning as he revved his car outside the flat, or the 3 am visit when he threw a rock through my bedroom window, led to me jumping at shadows. 1 night my brother was babysitting for me so I could go out to the local club, I came walking home and saw his car parked just down the road from my flat. I couldn't move, I stood there shaking, all the pleasure of a rare night out gone in an instant. I hid behind a tree, not sure what to do, when a passing headlight picked out the phone booth, I ducked in and called the police.
Fortune smiled on me in the form or a former school mate, who just happened to pick up the call. He moved my ex along quickly, followed him home so he wouldn't have an accident and he could be sure he didn't come back. I found out once I got home that he had tried to get into the flat but my brother stood firm and wouldn't let him in. I don't imagine he would of hurt the girls, not physically at least, but to find their father standing there yelling and swearing while drunk would not of been a mental image anyone would want.
With everything going on I still had to get up and go to work. One morning I dropped the girls off at daycare and just walked. I walked and walked, no idea where, just kept walking. About 3 hrs after I was supposed to start work, my boss drove up, I had finally stopped walking and was sitting in a bus stop. We talked, I cried, she cried, but I just couldn't do it anymore, I needed to quit my job. A job that I loved, but I was not dealing with life and I needed to be able to do that.
It took me a while before I could trust a man again, oh sure I trusted my brothers, and dad, and my male friends, but you know what I mean, no one was coming into my life. I was introduced to Don by my ex sister and brother in law LOL. Yep she was my exes sister and I was living with them and their 2 boys. They thought that Don would be perfect for me, I was skeptical LOL. What pushed me over was my youngests reaction, she would not let men near her, even her uncle who lived with us, but she liked Don. We moved in together, his sister and her family immigrated and we had Dale. Life was good. He was what I had been waiting for my whole life. But of course, life is cruel. We hadn't been married a year when he died of a heart attack. If it hadn't been for the kids I don't know what would of happened to me. They were what kept me going yet again.
Life hasn't been easy, raising kids alone never is, but it was the way it had to be.
You may or may not know that I work in a call centre at home. It's awesome, I don't have to get up and get dressed with make up and all. And it helps hide me, yep I'm admitting it. It hides me. I can smile and chat over the phone, but the second the call ends the smile disappears. I get told constantly how cheerful I am by callers and those who listen to the recorded calls, but that's the outside me, not the inside me. If I'm having a bad day the inside me is screaming or crying. But I've learnt to hide it well, after all I hid it from my kids for years because I didn't want them to feel they couldn't rely on Mum or that there was anything wrong. They didn't need to grow up in the shadow of Mum's problems. Now they are adults they know most of it. I don't sleep well, haven't for years. I've never had counselling because I'm tougher than that (yeh right). It's more that I'm too damn stubborn to admit to a weakness, but it's not a weakness, I just have to remember that.
I don't want you all to think that every day I walk around with voices screaming and crying in my head LOL, cause that's not it at all. I can tell when I'm going to start going down hill, there's nothing I can do about it, but I can tell, I can recognise the signs. I'll sit and stare at nothing, while a voice in my head tries to examine every little step I've taken over the years and what I could of done to change it. I recognise that this all happened and I can't change it, and that I would of made the same decisions I made then, but I tell myself I could of changed it, that I was weak.
Some days I can hear someone shouting up the road and my whole stomach seizes up and I start to feel sick, other days I'm walking up the drive way to listen in LOL. I don't get out of the house enough, I know that, but it's my safe zone, it's hard to leave.
So there you have it folks, my anxiety in a nut shell. Okay there is alot more to it than that, but I needed to get this down and get it out there. My way of dealing with it, I guess. I used to write poems, still do on occasion, but I handle depression and anxiety by getting it written down, I also vent alot on the pc lol.
Catch yas
Cathy
Tuesday, February 14, 2017
Pro Choice and Proud of It
Living in Australia, I'm not as affected by what is going on in the USA debate Pro Choice and Pro Life. I actually don't like the name Pro Life, I don't believe that anybody who is Pro Choice is not Pro Life, in fact unless you're some insane terrorist or serial killer, I'm pretty sure we are all Pro Life. Even serial killers are probably Pro Life cause hey if they don't have anyone alive to kill how are they going to get their rocks off.
I don't believe in abortion as a form of birth control, never have and never will. I don't get how women can just get up one morning find out they are pregnant, shrug their shoulders and go off to the clinic. Having an abortion is not and should never be an easy decision. No matter when you believe those cells become a life, it should not ever be an easy decision to step through those clinic doors.
Pro Lifers would have us believe that from the moment of conception those cells are a viable life, we all know this is not true. If the mother died, the cells could not live outside the womb, so the cells are not sustainable in anyway. Now if this is what Pro Lifers believe, then why aren't they down at the courts demonstrating during the trial of someone who may of caused a car accident or got in a fight with someone, causing a woman to have a miscarriage, even if she is only a couple of weeks pregnant? Why isn't the guy who pushes his pregnant wife/girlfriend down the stairs causing a miscarriage being charged with murder instead of assault on the wife/girlfriend? What if you're pregnant and have a miscarriage, should you be charged? No you shouldn't, of course not, these are ridiculous fucking questions.
Woman all around the world should have the choice for themselves. Crusty old men in Parliament have no right to tell us what we can and can't do. They certainly can't turn around, like some, and say we should be using birth control. Why is it the woman's responsibility? Why isn't one of those men blocking the door to the clinic passing out free condoms to all his mates, his church members and his family? Instead of standing there and attempting to intimidate, man the fuck up and spread the word to all males you know, take responsibility for your own fucking actions. Everyone who has ever used one form of contraception or another, know that it is not 100% fool proof, it can fuck up. But in the Pro Life world they'd have us believe that it hasn't, we are just lying and not really using it.
I think the big difference between the 2 groups is that Pro Choice's are all about it's your choice, your decision, your body. The Pro Lifers are all about not your body, not your choice, you're going to burn in hell. How that translates into real life is someone else telling you what you can and can't do when looking at your choices in making a huge decision. They are saying no one can advise you of your choices, no once can give you counselling. It's like my neighbour saying to me "You can't park your car there, it's killing the grass." When my car is parked in my yard killing my grass. My neighbours don't interfere in my personal life and I don't interfere in theirs. Of course if one of them was killing the other, or if they were being robbed, I'd interfere LOL.
I hear and read so many comments about how it's murder, it's not and if you believe it is, then go to your representative and demand the law be changed so that, as I said before, if someone causes a miscarriage or the death of a few cells, then they must be charged with murder. The lady who accidentally tripped down the stairs has to be charged with manslaughter, sounds ridiculous doesn't it? Yep my point exactly.
Now in the States there are people who continually say that Planned Parenthood are using Federal funding to abort babies and sell the parts, ummm, I researched and actually found this to be a total lie. I'm not even living there and I know more about it than a lot of people who do live there do. Planned Parenthood provides breast screening, medicals, contraception, just to name a few, and yes you can get an abortion there, but that is only an extremely small part of what they do. If just one person can have a mammogram and have cancer detected early which saves their life, even if they can't afford it. I'm all for it.
The fact remains, when all is said and done, Pro Lifers are really Pro Choice, because they are choosing for themselves to go ahead and have that baby, even if they do give it up for adoption, and because they are making that choice for themselves they have to let other woman do the same. You cannot tell anybody else what to do unless you are willing to step up and take over the care of that mother and baby. As I said before I am not all about abortion as birth control, that is a horrible thing to do, the choice is hard and once it's done, you can't take it back, so back off and let us all make our own choices. There are many reasons a woman will get an abortion, they aren't all about birth control, but it must remain a decision for the individual, no one else should have a say.
Catch yas
Cathy
As always this is my opinion, I don't speak for anyone else, kind of like staying out of others business really lol.
I don't believe in abortion as a form of birth control, never have and never will. I don't get how women can just get up one morning find out they are pregnant, shrug their shoulders and go off to the clinic. Having an abortion is not and should never be an easy decision. No matter when you believe those cells become a life, it should not ever be an easy decision to step through those clinic doors.
Pro Lifers would have us believe that from the moment of conception those cells are a viable life, we all know this is not true. If the mother died, the cells could not live outside the womb, so the cells are not sustainable in anyway. Now if this is what Pro Lifers believe, then why aren't they down at the courts demonstrating during the trial of someone who may of caused a car accident or got in a fight with someone, causing a woman to have a miscarriage, even if she is only a couple of weeks pregnant? Why isn't the guy who pushes his pregnant wife/girlfriend down the stairs causing a miscarriage being charged with murder instead of assault on the wife/girlfriend? What if you're pregnant and have a miscarriage, should you be charged? No you shouldn't, of course not, these are ridiculous fucking questions.
Woman all around the world should have the choice for themselves. Crusty old men in Parliament have no right to tell us what we can and can't do. They certainly can't turn around, like some, and say we should be using birth control. Why is it the woman's responsibility? Why isn't one of those men blocking the door to the clinic passing out free condoms to all his mates, his church members and his family? Instead of standing there and attempting to intimidate, man the fuck up and spread the word to all males you know, take responsibility for your own fucking actions. Everyone who has ever used one form of contraception or another, know that it is not 100% fool proof, it can fuck up. But in the Pro Life world they'd have us believe that it hasn't, we are just lying and not really using it.
I think the big difference between the 2 groups is that Pro Choice's are all about it's your choice, your decision, your body. The Pro Lifers are all about not your body, not your choice, you're going to burn in hell. How that translates into real life is someone else telling you what you can and can't do when looking at your choices in making a huge decision. They are saying no one can advise you of your choices, no once can give you counselling. It's like my neighbour saying to me "You can't park your car there, it's killing the grass." When my car is parked in my yard killing my grass. My neighbours don't interfere in my personal life and I don't interfere in theirs. Of course if one of them was killing the other, or if they were being robbed, I'd interfere LOL.
I hear and read so many comments about how it's murder, it's not and if you believe it is, then go to your representative and demand the law be changed so that, as I said before, if someone causes a miscarriage or the death of a few cells, then they must be charged with murder. The lady who accidentally tripped down the stairs has to be charged with manslaughter, sounds ridiculous doesn't it? Yep my point exactly.
Now in the States there are people who continually say that Planned Parenthood are using Federal funding to abort babies and sell the parts, ummm, I researched and actually found this to be a total lie. I'm not even living there and I know more about it than a lot of people who do live there do. Planned Parenthood provides breast screening, medicals, contraception, just to name a few, and yes you can get an abortion there, but that is only an extremely small part of what they do. If just one person can have a mammogram and have cancer detected early which saves their life, even if they can't afford it. I'm all for it.
The fact remains, when all is said and done, Pro Lifers are really Pro Choice, because they are choosing for themselves to go ahead and have that baby, even if they do give it up for adoption, and because they are making that choice for themselves they have to let other woman do the same. You cannot tell anybody else what to do unless you are willing to step up and take over the care of that mother and baby. As I said before I am not all about abortion as birth control, that is a horrible thing to do, the choice is hard and once it's done, you can't take it back, so back off and let us all make our own choices. There are many reasons a woman will get an abortion, they aren't all about birth control, but it must remain a decision for the individual, no one else should have a say.
Catch yas
Cathy
As always this is my opinion, I don't speak for anyone else, kind of like staying out of others business really lol.
Sunday, January 1, 2017
My One and Only New Years Resolution
It's all well and good, people going on about how they are going to do this and that, become better people and help others as their New Year resolutions. But all you need to do is read a thread on Facebook to see how much hate there is in the world and then you realise a lot of it is coming from these same people saying how great they are going to become.
One simple comment can set off a vicious attack on someone that isn't even known to their attacker. People get up on their soapboxes and spew their sick words and there are others who lap it all up. The name calling is atrocious, the constant line 'freedom of speech' pisses me off. Sure you have that right but seriously, grow the fuck up and act like an adult. There is no need to attack someone over a simple comment of how they agree or disagree with the post. If you disagree then say so, it's simple all you need to do is say 'no, I don't agree with you.' and that's it. No need to go on about someone being a 'muslim, racist, terrorist, liberal, baby killer, retard or redneck'. You don't even need to comment, wait what, you don't need to actually comment? Nope you don't. Read it and move on, or better yet don't read it, cause most of them are total bullshit anyway.
By acting like a child you are nothing but a bully. We have enough of those in the world already thanks.
With the recent election in the States, the rest of the world has been subjected to it all whether we wanted to be or not. The total fabrications that people posted and swore was true was completely laughable to those of us who actually use their brain for something other than vitriol. Blaming the media is ridiculous, the media print what people want to read, they have lied from the moment they realised they were a business and had to make a profit. A happy story about a dog reuniting with it's owner on the front page, does not sell newspapers. The obvious headlines that grab the attention are the ones that are filled with hate. I am constantly surprised that there are actually people in the world that believe the crap they print.
It's the same people that believe politicians are always honest, hello people, they want your fucking vote, they lie to get it. The make promises they cannot possibly keep, and it's only after they are voted in that the John Q Citizen seems to suddenly realise they were lying all along. Wait? What's that you say? A politician lied? Fuck yes they did, they've been doing it since politics began it doesn't take a rocket scientist to see it LOL.
The newsreader you love? Well they get paid for what they say whether it's the truth or not. They get told what to say, and on the rare occasions they are actually speaking for themselves they are usually doing it just to get attention and have their 5 minutes of fame.
Put people online and they become completely different animals. Oh and as a side note, please don't think I'm talking about everyone, I know the difference between one person and another (had to add that after seeing so much about 'all muslims or all whites and all blacks') I realise there are actually fantastic people of all cultures and religions in the world. But for some once that computer is turned on, or the internet accessed on a phone, the world is open and they can spread their hate.
Every single thing that someone has posted or done is there, that doesn't make it real. I can go onto Wikipedia and post something that is a total fabrication, make someone up and of course it would be an incredible story about how heroic they were or something like that, but you know what, it wouldn't be real. There is an option to edit and add, so I take that to mean anyone can go on there and say whatever they like. And once that happens there is more bullshit online that people will be quoting and saying is real. I can post a picture and say it's me, and only my family and friends would know it isn't. The fact is that you never know what is real or isn't.
How many magazines are there in the world that are being proved to be publishing fake stories, hundreds of them. The difference between that and the internet though, is that you actually have to purchase the magazine and read it first lol.
The internet is a wonderful thing, without it I couldn't blog, I couldn't keep in contact with friends around the world for next to nothing, and I wouldn't of had the chance to become friends with them. I wouldn't be able to see all those cute puppy and cat videos, all the hilarious memes, and I couldn't of studied at home with as much ease as I did. All of the positives though come with all the negatives as well. We just need to realise that just because someone says it's real doesn't make is so. The internet does not always give us the complete truth. The same people who lie to us in real life, lie to us online, it's just that online they can hide better.
So for 2017 I'd like to see more puppies and kittens gambolling, more goats laughing, more babies giggling and more positives. Lets leave the hate back in 2016. I wish that I was naive enough to believe that will happen, but I'm not, so instead I resolve to read less of the hate, and watch more of the cute stuff. I'm pretty sure that unlike any previous resolutions I'll be able to keep this one :)
Catch yas
Cathy
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