Bev Fathers 3/4/1936 - 26/5/2024
I haven't wanted to do my blog, because it means it really is the end. Sure, it is, but it's almost like I'm letting her go, but she will be a part of all of us who knew her, until we die.
On one hand, it has been such a relief to know that she is no longer just the shell of the human she used to be, who we called Mum, on the other, this is the woman who raised us, who was always there and now, seemingly with a snap of the fingers, she's not.
I got a call from the home at about 3am on the morning of the 26th, if I wanted a chance to say goodbye I should go now. I had actually taken something to help me sleep, so I probably shouldn't have driven, but this was something that I had to do. One final chance to let her go.
One tepid cup of horrible coffee, one stale piece of cake, and a couple of biscuits later, I was left alone with Mum. The mattress she was on, is some special mattress, that makes the worst noises in the world, while she moved. She didn't move much of course, but as the medications wore off, she would grow more agitated, and her legs would move up and down the mattress, as if she was having a bad dream. I never want to hear the sound again.
I stayed with her for a few hours, looking around the room, and locking in the memories, but they aren't the memories I want. I want to only have the memories of joking with her, listening to her sarcasm, or her passion as she spoke about her patchwork. I'd even happily take her shopping, just one more time, following along in her wake as she loaded her trolley, with nothing she needed, and I unloaded it, while she wasn't looking, and put in what she actually did need. I'd listen to her constantly asking when one of the grandkids was going to have a baby, or get married, she already had 9 great grandkids, there was no need to be greedy lol.
But, all of that is just what I want. Honestly, the peace she is now in, is better than what I want for her. When she started forgetting who I was, and then that she'd even ever had children, and was retreating into her childhood, we began to mourn her. She lived like that for a few years, and we knew that all we could do, was protect the memories for her. Alzheimer's just sucks the life out of you, slowly. It's not painful, like cancer, but there is no way back from that initial diagnosis.
One thing I ask all of you to be sure you do, is to have an end of life plan. Mum avoided that, we made sure she had a will, and it was done, while she was still competent, but apart from her comment 'just burn me and dump me on the side of the road' she didn't want to talk about it. I had garnered from comments she had made, that she didn't want a funeral, she didn't want a fuss, once she was gone, she was gone, she didn't need the rest of it. So that's exactly what we gave her. She was in no way religious, and said all of the fuss was just a waste of money.
The nursing home gave us 24 hours to have her picked up, we had no idea that that is what they would want, maybe I should have paid more attention to all the docs I signed, so please people, do that. Go over them with a fine tooth comb. We just presumed they had a morgue, but they didn't. Luckily, the ad that I'd seen, on TV and all the ads online, told me about BARE. They looked after Mum, and us, and we will be forever grateful.
I had to call the home to find out about clearing out Mums room, they didn't advise us of that, and if I hadn't called, all of her photos would have just been dumped somewhere. She had nothing of value, it was just her photos and clothes. I was advised when I called that they wanted her room cleaned out within 5 days. We were shocked to find that most of the clothes she had, and the shoes, had to be thrown out, and didn't realise that the home wasn't doing that (at least with her shoes) when they wore out. So much stuff, all thrown out, but much was donated.
I do have to say that the staff who cared for Mum were wonderful, all the rules are set by admin, so I have nothing but praise for her carers, and disdain for the admin who were incredibly uncaring and presumed that we didn't need to be told anything.
Anyway, getting off of that subject because it just makes me mad all over again.
We had a lovely service, with mostly family for her. At her age, and the fact that we had it on a week day, meant that there was never going to be a crowd. BARE had organised a slide show with the photos we chose, which was wonderful. We got way to much food, but I like to think she would have liked how small it was, and that she was happy with the way we said goodbye. If not, it's too late now Mum lol.
I have photos around the house, and find myself talking to them, my older brother, is definitely being haunted by her, but he was always the favourite, so only has himself to blame lol. As per her will, her car (which she hasn't driven for years) was passed onto me, and I am now an official car owner, which is great, but is costing a lot lol.
Anyway, that's pretty much it from me. Just wanted to pass on, that she had passed on, really, get some shit out of my head as I always do, by writing it down.
Catch yas
Cathy
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