Spiraling.

 

It's been a long, long time between blogs. But right now, this one is just cause I have to get it out of me. I'm hoping that doing this will get me back on track, mentally. 

It's like I'm finally admitting something so that I can move on, and it usually works, so here goes. 

The wonderful and oh so exciting downward spiral of mental health. Not sure why or how it creeps up on me, but it does, every fucking time. You would think that after years of this crap, I'd be better at recognising the signs lol. Not me. No wait, let me clarify, I do recognise the signs, but the signs aren't always there, and this time, they hid away from me, then pounced. Fuckers. 

Would be lovely to have an alarm going off in my head, 'Warning! Warning! Cathy you're spiraling!' Mental health, the gift that keeps on giving. 

I know that I'm not just talking about me, so many others I know go through the same, or similar, and get it, writing it out (who the fuck writes these days lol) helps me. Probably doesn't help everyone, but I do this for me, and maybe someone who is reading this will realise they aren't alone. 

Getting through a day at a time, takes effort. I make sure to keep it suppressed and only show the fun and seriously stupid side of myself. Probably not healthy, should probably see someone about that, but it works for me for the most part. Oh, and please don't think that I'm in some deep dark hole ready to end it all, cause I'm not, not ever. 

This is a process for me, it works, for me, and I will drag myself kicking and screaming from the pit, as I do. Do not take what I do and try it on yourself, this is not a how to guide, do not be Cathy. Find out what works for you, be it therapy, meds, or talking to someone you know. For me meds, will only get me to a certain point, so unless I am really, really bad, I don't take them. If I'm not bleeding or have a limb that's swinging in the breeze, I won't waste my doctors time. He's nice, just not what I personally need. That's not a mental health thing, that's a me thing, I don't go to a doctor if I'm feeling sick, I have to be at deaths door lol. 

I've taken meds over the years, they work for maybe 4 days, then stop. That's not mental health meds, that's most meds. When Don died, my doctor gave me something to help me sleep, worked incredibly well for 2 nights, then nothing. That's just me, I'm special lol. 

Last night, I actually slept almost the entire night for 7 hours, which is not my norm. I'm lucky to get 5 solid hrs, and it works for me. Just can't stay in bed and try to force more sleep, so I don't. My sleep pattern is not an issue, I'm used to it, and still work daily and work well. Sure I whine about it, but isn't that what people do? Am I whining cause I want to fit in? Maybe. Well, not fit in, but maybe show others that I'm not fucking mental lol. 

Anyway, downward spiral, blah blah, where was I, before my brain interrupted. 

Work has been tough, not because we have been super busy, but because of new things happening, and trying to get everyone up and running and trained, has made things tense lol. I'm not going to go into details, but people I work with, know what I'm talking about. 

Don't get me wrong, I love the tough, I love the tension, the stress, because I love searching for solutions, or looking for ways to make it easy to learn. I mean, we all know we sit in a training session, and it's mostly blah blah blah lol. I take notes, and break it down for me, translations as it were. I like black and white, Step 1, Step 2, Step 3 etc. I don't need all the stuff in the middle, and this works for me, but not for everyone, I get that. I'm also feeling excited, this is all new, and I love the tech and new stuff. I may be a boomer, but I'm not a sit on my arse and whine about kids these days, and all that tech that is rotting their brains, boomer. I'm a fuck, I love this shit, boomer lol. 

So, I have to pull myself out of this spiral, so I can get more enjoyment out of it. And I fucking will. 

I've just let everything shit creep in, and no one needs that. So here I am, typing away furiously and getting that shit out, I can almost feel it flowing out of the tips of my fingers as I type. No, I'm not crazy, this is just me lol. I'm surprised my keyboard isn't on fire lol. Before I had a pc, it was writing the shit out, getting it out of my head, like deep breathing. Hold it in, breathe it out, and while that works for me, not the deep breathing, but the words, then that's what I do. Deep breathing just reminds me of being in labor, or trying to get up those damn stairs lol. 

At work I let myself go, I'm sarcastic, funny and happy to be there. Yep, I know, how the fuck do I do that? It's because it's work, that's one world, then there's me in another world, post work. Sitting on my arse, in a daze, trying to figure out financial shit. Feeling the guilt of a child with a parent in care, feeling like a failure as a parent cause I don't have shit to give my adult kids or grandkids. 

Yeah, yeah, shut up I can hear you. I'll be back, don't worry, just have to get it the fuck out of me. We all do it, and you'd be lying if you said you didn't. It's just that sometimes, some of us, can't get it out and move on, all the fucking time. Some of us, just need that bit of an extra push, and this is me getting it out. Last night, I knew this was what I needed, but was way to exhausted to do it right. 

One thing I used to do, well I still do it, just not as much, but when I started the spiral, I would just get in the car and drive. Now, not so much, cause there are fuckers out there driving as well, too fucking many of them. The places I could drive to, to just breathe, are now filled with tourists, making noise. The peace is just not there. I don't want the tourists to go home lol, I'm not mean (well maybe I am) but I miss the peace. I miss the fact that no one but locals knew about the hidden gems. Maybe I just miss the fact that as a teen, we ruled our haven. We were far enough away from the city, that it made it harder for tourists to get here, and most didn't bother. For fucks sake, dudes we met in the city, thought we lived in the country and rode horses to get around lol. 

Getting back to work, just to add something. Work is my escape, 'say what' you are screaming lol, but it's true. As I said, I have fun, I'm a different person, I'm doing something that I really enjoy, and I get to vent to a bunch of other crazies and make them laugh. I hope that being me, helps my co workers out in some way, if it doesn't, oops, sorry/not sorry lol. 

And snap, back to reality lol. 

Anyway, I guess that's it. I already feel better, I've typed, I've cried, I've let it out. First step done. Second step is to do what I should be doing on a day off. Absolutely fucking nothing lol. And I mean it, weekends for me, aren't about the housework or anything else, it's time to do what I want to do. Even if that's sitting in front of the TV watching some mindless crap that gets me out of my head, then that's it. I can do housework during the week, weekends are meant to be a time to relax, so damn it, that's what I'll fucking do. 

Might go sit in the sun, and look at my yard, thinking to myself, that needs cutting, those weeds need pulling, but I'm not doing any of it lol. So I'll then laugh to myself thinking of my neighbours who take great care of their yards, and have chores for their kids every weekend. Yeh yeh, I know that some people only have weekends to do that shit, but this is about me, so piss off lol. 

Thanks for reading, thanks for not rolling your eyes, too hard while Cathy lets it out. 

Catchyas 

Cathy