I hate this time of year. Not because it's Winter, because I love Winter. Not because it's almost tax time, I never have to pay extra so that's a good thing. Not because it's the middle of yet another year, and it's raced past. Nope this is the time of year, in fact in 3 days, that I lost my love. For those of you who know me, you know that this happened back on the 21st June 1993, so quite some time ago. A day doesn't go past that I haven't thought of Don in the last 24 years. It's easier of course, the first year is always the hardest as everyone says, but it still fucking sucks.
He has missed out on so much, our kids growing up, our daughters getting married and having children. Our son maturing into a wonderful young man, celebrating his anniversary with his much loved girlfriend this weekend. His boys are so much older now, well yeh of course they are, we all are. The world is a different place. So many new inventions, so many medical breakthroughs, so many others who we have loved have now joined him, living only in our hearts and minds. And of course he has been missed.
I don't dwell on what could of been. I learnt a long time ago that that is pointless and heartbreaking. I do wonder what he would make of our lives now. One thing I am sure of is that he would be so proud of his children and grandchildren. Even after all these years I can still remember in detail the call from the hospital, the drive over there, and the heartbreak that followed. I remember the next day and the day after, I remember it all. And at this time of year it all comes back. The lead up memories until the culmination on the 21st. That is always the hardest day.
Each day I get up and get dressed, just like the day before and the same as I will tomorrow. I live on, I deal, I have to and I will continue to do so. Don is in my heart, he is in my soul, and always will be.
Because this is the time of year I am most depressed I find it harder to deal with Mum. But deal with Mum I must. We went shopping today because I worked Saturday, and every time we were at a checkout, she complained about her daughter not letting her do something or other. Normally I would of just made a joke of it, but this time of year, it hurts. I know that once I'm passed this, it will get back to normal (not that anything is normal anymore) but today it hurts. Telling Mum today that operating her 2 button dryer is easy, and that I wrote instructions for both the dryer and washing machine down for her, wasn't frustrating, it wasn't even something I could work up a joke over, it was just depressing. Trying to drum up a laugh at her stories, or memories that are just total bullshit was just to hard. I didn't argue with her, I didn't talk much at all. I just locked myself in my head.
Some days all I want to do is just curl up in a corner and do nothing. It's all just too fucking hard. Mum will talk about going for a drive, something I know she loves to do, and I do enjoy driving, but the thought of listening to her at the moment is just to damn much, I need this time of year to be quiet. I don't need drama, I don't need to be reminded that my once vital mother, who loved working, patchwork, shopping and visiting friends is no more. So yeh, locked in my head all day. In one way I'm glad I'm working this week, there's less time to think, less time to pretend to myself that I feel okay. I'll just fake it and no one will know.
Sorry this is not my usual upbeat blog guys, but this is my current reality.
Catch yas
Cathy
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