Shadowland

While I was tossing and turning last night, that's how I began to think of my mind. It's a shadowland. Full of past thoughts and things learnt, brimming with experience and regret. Overflowing with what ifs and whys, an endless space crammed full of absolute crap meaningless and random, my memories swirl together in some macabre dance that only the precious sleep of nothingness can end. 

My brain flits from one shadow to the next, following a random path that leads nowhere but keeps my head spinning, unable to shut down. I'd like to be able to design a switch that I can just shut off before trying to go to sleep, unfortunately when I've tried my mind goes off on some weird tangent about what if we could just switch off, or maybe we could do it this, or how about....... and the spinning continues. Or I'll relive a memory in every horrible detail, I rarely have good memories while trying to sleep, I try to turn away and think of something wonderful, but my brain does not respond. 

I remember every single moment from the time the hospital called me 24 years ago. I remember loading the kids in the car, taking them to the in laws and picking up my sister in law. I remember driving, I even remember the amount of traffic and the fact we got 3 red lights. I didn't speed, there was no point. I knew it in my heart that he was gone despite them not saying anything over the phone. I remember getting in the elevator and going up to the 3rd floor and being greeted by the sister on the floor that night. I remember clutching my hands together in the vain hope all would be fine, and I was just over reacting. I knew from the look on her face he was gone, I remember doubling over in pain. I remember walking up to the room he was in, and just letting go. I remember it all and at first I used to relive it constantly, now it is one of those memories that will suddenly come out, and even while reliving it all over again, I'll wonder at how it could still all be exactly the same after all this time. 

The next night I'll be trying to sleep and it won't be anything about memories, just random stupid thoughts. I might for some reason think of putting on some washing in the morning, then it will switch to how great it would be to be able to afford to send all my laundry out and have someone else do it, or have a maid, and of course that will lead to my state of wealth, and then onto winning the lottery, what would I do with the money. I'd buy a house of course, oh what about furniture, or how big the house, and then there's the garden. I hate gardening, but hey I've won the lottery, I could have people to do it for me. Next random leap would be to oh have people that's so funny, and I could say my people will get in contact with your people, and then I'd be off thinking about a movie where I was the main character with people LOL. 

See what I mean, it's a real shadowland, and you don't want to get trapped there. I would like to be able to go to bed, switch off the lamp and have my brain switch off at the same time. Even if I get a good nights sleep, hour wise, I still wake up exhausted because my brain has been in overtime all night. Would be nice to get paid for all that overtime LOL. 

The shadows of memories and experiences chase each other around and around. I have a word that sometimes works but not always, it's PUSH. I'll be lying there thoughts spinning and just repeat over and over PUSH. Sometimes it works other times it leads to me suddenly thinking about a pushbike, oh I remember my old dragster well, secondhand piece of crap but I thought it was awesome, or pushing baby Tara down to her grandparents place or around the block because she was teething and restless, or pushing a swing, hey swings are cool, and off we go again. 

So there we have it, shadowland, and I think it's aptly named. I got 5 hrs sleep last night, had to take Mum shopping this morning and I'm totally and utterly exhausted. I could try a nap but my brain might start again LOL. 

Catch yas
Cathy