It's a Conspiracy

 

'It's a Conspiracy' words that have been thrown around in my family for years, as a joke or a lame attempt at an excuse for non acceptable behaviour. Now it seems that everybody says it, if they don't like what they are hearing, it must be a conspiracy. 

Pretty much everything in the anti vax movement is a conspiracy, at least according to them. Big Pharma and Government cover ups, a friends aunts cousins workmate said it happened so it must be true. People have forgotten how to read the lie, how to recognise the absurdity of it all. Thanks to the internet, people have disconnected from the real world, and believe anything they see on line. Not realising that anyone can post anything on line, whatever they damn well want, and that doesn't make it true. 

I've seen people on line defend their stance, they are totally locked in, it doesn't matter how much proof of the lie, you throw at them, they still hang on to the belief that they are right. Most people will be open to learn, if I'm wrong about something, and I'm proved wrong, I will take notice and change my thinking. But what sets them apart from me. Is it because I didn't grow up with the internet? Is it because I don't look for any reason to blame someone other than myself? Is it that I see the truth, but that fucks with my whole way of life and to change is to destroy myself? 

I'm no psychiatrist, or psychologist, just a person, like anyone (well maybe not, I am awesome lol), but why am I less susceptible? It can't be because of what I've gone through in my life, I know people who have been through the same, surely there are people who have been through similar who are susceptible. Could it have something to do with my up bringing, as I said, no internet back then. We were taught that TV was for entertainment purposes only, music is a form of expression and to be enjoyed as it is, if we want to learn about something, read about it, research it, talk to people about their experiences, learn from others. We were also taught not to believe everything you heard. Remember 'Chinese Whispers'? I loved that game, I loved how you would tell someone something, they'd pass it on to someone else, etc, and at the end the original whisper was something completely different. It showed me how easy it is to hear false information that got even worse with each retelling. 

Of course not all conspiracies have anything to do with vaccinations. What makes people fall for a conman? Why is it that some youtube video made by some random person seems more real than actual proof? There is no doubt, a lot of reasons, and they have probably been discussed by smarter people than me lol, for people to fall into the rabbit hole that sends a logical person, like me, crazy. I always figure that if some alleged expert (that no one has ever heard of) is telling me that something is good for me, or I should buy their cure, that's a sure sign, they are full of shit lol. 

Buying the cure, that is another one that gets to me, why do so many people believe that some ordinary person, has discovered the cure for cancer, and it's only Big Pharma and the corrupt Government that is stopping it from being released to the general public. But hey come to my website and I'll sell it to you for $20 + shipping and handling. 

Let's look at the cases of outing a witch. How anyone could believe that someone who was supposedly so powerful, they destroyed crops and created diseases, and yet couldn't save themselves from execution, has always made me roll my eyes. I mean, seriously, I've got all that power, but hey go ahead tie me to the stake and burn me alive, cause I'll just let you go ahead and do that, instead of escaping lol. I guess back then, it was easier to believe the bullshit, I mean, education was only for the rich, science was nothing like it is today, and of course Doctors were still using leeches to cure everything. I can imagine the convo in the little village as the Doctor walked past, 

'Oooo Betsy, there's that so called medicine man.'

'Oh Edie, I heard that he stuck some leeches on poor Maeve. She hasn't been the same since.'

'No doubt he charged her a fortune for making her sicker, I'll never trust him.'

'Her poor husband had to pay 2 chickens, a goat, and a sack of potatoes, and all for some leeches that have sucked out her soul. She lounges around all day, reading, not looking after her husband. It's a crime.' 😂

I love the flat earth conspiracy, just the whole idea of it, is so utterly ridiculous I can spend hours laughing over flat earth pages on line. Some conspiracy theories are better entertainment than Netflix lol. But at the end of the day, it is still just a theory, it's not proven so is therefore not fact, and we might just as well be watching a show on Netflix. I don't mind a good alien conspiracy theory as well, it has to be good though, a bit of actual fact thrown in lol.

Oh and I can't forget how the government is trying to control us by putting chips into vaccines. Okay, that's not happening people, get that into your head. But here's a thought for you, why would you go online at all, whether it be on a phone, pc or tablet if you believed the government was trying to control you? All your info is in your devices, no one needs to chip you 😂

Something I did as a toddler was believe my older brother when he said eating a snail was good, he lied lol. But in some weird way he taught me a lesson, don't eat fucking garden snails lol. If anyone tries to convince you that eating raw garden sails is good for you, I give you this information for free, they are lying, and probably lie about other things as well lol. And it is those people who start the conspiracy theories. That person you just paid $20 + postage and handling, they are laughing at you. They know they are selling you a lie, they don't care. They turn up on the internet, searching for desperate people. They have others who laugh at you, posting reviews about their miracle cure and how Big Pharma knows about the treatment that has cured them. They laugh, and lie, because you let them. 

I get that believing in a conspiracy theory is easier sometimes, than facing facts, facing reality. It won't change anything though, you might have convinced yourself that you are right and on the right path, but in reality, you aren't, and until you realise that, you will continue on your way believing a load of bullshit. It might not even be a conspiracy theory that you believe in, but it's still a lie. Believing the bullshit, is much easier than reality, I know. I wish that I could believe the bullshit myself at times, it would sure as hell make life easier. 

Of course if you believe in the Australia doesn't exist conspiracy theory, you won't have read any of this, as I don't exist 😂

Catch yas

Cathy

 

I don't wanna

 

I've been heading for a downward spiral lately, having suffered from depression for years, you recognise the signs. I've come to the conclusion, that I just don't want to adult anymore lol. I want someone else to step in, and take control. Someone to make all decisions involving money, Mum and well, my life. 

Tell me when to go to bed, I'll probably kick and scream about it, but make me. Tell me what time to wake up, I won't be nice when I do wake up, but tell me anyway. Make me sit down to eat a proper meal, toast or coco pops for dinner is probably not adulting. You pay all the bills, you stress over all the small and large decisions about Mum, you take it over and let me be. Let me go outside and run under the sprinkler, let me leave dirty clothes lying around, let me do absolutely nothing while you handle it all. 

Sunday was my day off, the spiral hit, sitting in my chair watching some ridiculous show on TV and bam, started crying. I wasn't crying for any reason, wasn't watching cute kittens and puppies, or even babies, or the big one for me, some funeral ad. Just started for no reason, and the only thing I wanted to do was curl up and just bawl. Then I thought, where the hell are the damn adults to help me out when I need them. Why do I have to be the adult? I don't wanna........

I want to wake up in the morning, knowing the biggest decision I have to make for the day, is should I brush my hair? I just want to put on the kettle, feed the cat and enjoy my damn coffee. I don't want those thoughts pushing their way into my head, you need to pay this bill, don't forget to make that shopping list, the car needs petrol, get that form done for Mum, balance yours and her budget, am I doing enough, could I do more? All those fucking things that dance around my head all fucking day and night. Am I good enough? Should I really be an adult? Who the fuck put me in charge? Actually the 'Who the fuck put me in charge?' should be in caps, cause whoever they were had no fucking idea what they were doing, lol. 

As a kid, you fight against the rules, can't wait to be an adult so you can do your own thing, you will be in control. Now I'm 61, I want someone else to do it all. I'm just so tired of it. I would probably end up rebelling as I did as a teen, can't drive to the shops? Just you watch, I'll show you!!! lol. Can't stay up late?, who's going to stop me!!!! lol. It could be just because I'm the sole adult, well the sole person in this house, so it all falls on me. I get overwhelmed, and is that a surprise? No it's not. Being overwhelmed is not a new thing, it's just something that, when I'm spiralling comes to the front, standing proud and at attention. I try not to let it show, and I know I'm good with a laugh and a sarcastic comment at pretty much everything, but the dark side is always there, waiting to leap out, and well, overwhelm me. 

I don't know about you, but I've spent a lot of my adult life feeling guilty. Not because I've committed a crime, but things like, did I do enough for the kids, did they have enough growing up with a mother who couldn't give them everything all their friends had. Did I really help them become the great adults that they are? I married twice, first husband mentally abused me for years, told me I wasn't good enough, drank because that's what he wanted, but why didn't he want to come home to me and the girls, did I fail? Second husband was my soulmate, but when he died, the guilt overwhelmed me for having my girls go through the loss of 2 fathers, and after an argument with my son, why didn't I put myself back out there and find another father for them. Obviously, I didn't want to put myself out there again, fuck that after 2 marriages, but they all grew up without a father, so did I do everything I could for them? 

Then there's Mum. I feel guilty that she wasn't able to stay at home longer, I should have quit my job and been a full time carer for her. Why was I selfish? But was I really selfish? I mean she's happy, and well cared for, so why would I feel guilty? Cause I do, plan and simple. I'm overwhelmed with guilt, and that's because, yep, I'm a fucking adult. If I was a kid, I wouldn't have to make these decisions, so again, I don't wanna....

So there it is folks, I don't wanna.....unless someone tells me to do something I don't wanna do, then I pull out the but I'm an adult card lol. 

Catch yas

Cathy

Life in the Twilight Zone - And the hits keep coming

 I was going through Mum's statements from the Nursing Home, and noticed they'd taken out almost double the usual amount, so emailed them to find out why. It turns out that not only does she have to pay the standard $52 odd dollars for her daily care fees, but she also has to pay another fee called The Means Tested Aged Care Fee. Now it is only $12.52 per day, but that's another hit to her very limited budget.

Why are they charging her this, you may be asking (you might not be asking, but you're reading my blog, so shut up while I tell you lol), all pensioners need to have their assets tested to see if they are getting paid the correct pension, and apparently so the government can screw them over for more money. 

Mum has worked hard her whole life, paying taxes, and paying off her own home, and is now being punished for it. We had to make the hard decision to put her in the home, when advised by the hospital that they wouldn't let her back home, without 24/7 care, and the home was the safest and best option for her. It is a wonderful place, they take really good care of her, and I have no complaints with them, even if they are a bunch of damn Catho's (blame my brother for that one hehehe). We had to sell her house, to pay for the refundable bond that paid for her private room and ensuite, and she is charged from her pension for her daily care. None of that was unexpected, and we were happy with it. 

Like every other pensioner, she was means tested, and they looked at all her assets. When she owned her home, that was not taken into consideration, but now she has no home of her own, they have hit her up for this fee because of the refundable bond. What pisses me off, is that this bond may be refundable, but it doesn't earn interest and as she is in the home for life, she won't ever see it again. As her heirs, my brothers and I will benefit from it, but not Mum. So, in effect, to me she is being punished for being old and unable to care for herself, like the old venerable blot on society. 

I admit to being short with the poor girl who took my call from DHS, as a call centre operator I'm usually much more polite, because I understand they are just doing their job. But this made me so angry that I was rude, and I don't regret it lol. She directed me to a form to download and complete to plead hardship. Reading up on it, I can't see how it would help as it seems to only be for a year, but I'll try. The form is fucking long, and not easy to follow, I have to provide receipts and statements, so it won't be easy, but I will do it. I'm not doing it for me, but for Mum. 

So, in short, the government is screwing over yet another old lady, and don't give a shit. I've sent an email to the Federal Aged Care Minister, expecting it to be read by a minion and then ignored, but I felt better for it at least. Any other Aussies out there who read my blog, feel free to email as well. Minister.Colbeck@health.gov.au on behalf of all Aussie pensioners who may find themselves in the same boat as my Mum. 

Catch yas

Cathy

Life in the Twilight Zone - Damn Rona

Firstly I just want to explain Rona, in case you are wondering that is. Rona stands for Corona Virus or Covid-19, shortened to Rona, cause I'm Aussie lol. Secondly, shout out to my cousin Robyn, I won't go into details, but she messaged me today, and it reminded me that I hadn't written for quite some time, and as it helps me feel better when I write, here goes. Fair warning, this probably won't contain as much humour as usual, in my 'Life in the Twilight Zone' missives, although it's rather presumptuous of me to think anyone actually laughs at my musings lol. 

We've all been living in isolation, socially distancing ourselves, some of us have been wearing face masks, and we've all been busy washing our hands (although one would like to think we do that normally anyway). There's been ads on TV about how to act and what we can do, one that comes to mind is a shot of a grandparent sitting in a chair outside a window reading to grandkids who are all sitting inside. Or people face timing family and friends, even just talking on the phone makes an appearance. But what we don't see is what do we do if it's not possible to sit outside a window, face time or call. Just to be clear, it's not impossible to face time or call, but I'll explain what I mean and why I added them. 

I work from home, which I'm sure I've said before, so am used to isolation. I like it, I hate when I have to go to the office, sitting on a couple of crowded trains for 2 hours each way, is not my idea of a fun time, and the city is dirty and loud. I can live without it, easily. In a normal week, I would go out twice, once to shop and once to visit Mum. Of course, there are times when I'm out more, visiting family or friends, but normally it's just the twice. Now it's once a week and I'm getting antsy. 

Mums nursing home has been in lock down for over a month. A staff member who worked there, tested positive for Rona, they say she wasn't working while sick, but just because she didn't feel sick, doesn't mean she wasn't. So into lock down they go, totally understandable and glad they did. They followed the guidelines from the Health Department, and ran tests on all. Luckily all tests have shown negative results. They've sent texts each day to ensure we know all is fine. And I love that, they are a great group of people and I'm so confident that they will do everything they can to keep all the residents safe. They've looked after Mum so well, since she's been there. 

Because Mum has Alzheimers she really has no idea what's going on, what day it is, and when she last saw anyone lol. So she would just be coasting along, in her own little world. I was told that I could face time her, or call anytime, which is great, but......... Even before Mum was diagnosed she was technologically challenged lol. She had bought herself a computer, and would call me to find out why it wouldn't turn on, she wouldn't have clicked the power button, or had unplugged from the wall. She'd forget her password constantly, and lose the paper it was written on lol. She had a pretty good flip phone, but decided she wanted a new one that had larger buttons. Okay, it's easier with the larger buttons. But, she'd have the phone in her bag, and bump it or something, and bam, she'd be calling me, with no idea she had actually made a call. It had a lock on it, to stop that from happening, but she never remembered how to do it (it was a switch, up or down, on the side, easy as lol). She had trouble operating remote controls too, and know this, all of this was way before her diagnosis, it was just her. Not everyone has to get it, so that's okay. 

I've called Mum at the home before, or she's had them call me, it doesn't go well. She will ask me when I'm coming to get her, or when is her Mum and Dad coming. It's like she thinks she doesn't live there, has just been there for a holiday or as if she's been in hospital. And of course her Mum and Dad have been dead for years so they aren't ever going to come lol. She always ends up in tears, or starts the conversation in tears, and is unsettled for days after wards, which doesn't do her any good. There's been times she's been so unsettled she has needed medication to calm her down and I don't want her to be constantly medicated. I figured since I was off work I could give face time a try, I wasn't overly confident but determined. To do this, I had to make an appointment, and she was sitting with a staff member in control of the tablet. It was great to see her, but so frustrating. She didn't get it, kept trying to touch the tablet, which of course might have hung up or minimised or something lol. She also didn't understand why I didn't just pop up for a visit rather than talking to her like this, 'was I sick?' lol. 

I got a text from the home today, they are going to Tier 3, which is you can visit, but have to make an appointment and it has to be office hours Mon - Fri. On top of that, you have to have proof that you've had a flu shot, and they do a temp check (temp check is fine). I haven't had a flu shot, ever, so not sure I want to have one. When they get to Tier 4 it will all be back to normal, I can visit whenever and no checks. I'm not complaining, I want them to ease into it, I want Mum and the others to be safe, it's just frustrating. 

Regardless of how often I tell myself she is fine, they'd tell me if there was a problem, it doesn't ease the worry, the anxiety and the guilt. Sure I shouldn't feel guilty, nothing I can do about Rona, I didn't have anything to do with it's spread. I don't need to worry or feel anxious as I know she's fine, but that doesn't stop me from doing either lol. Mum having Alzheimers has basically taken a grown, independent, capable and intelligent woman, and stripped her down to the basics. I know that despite my worrying, when it's all over and we can resume life after Rona, she probably won't even realise it's been ages since I've seen her, I could tell her I saw her the previous week, and she'd believe me lol. 

Life hasn't been the same for us, since Mum was diagnosed, It's been a roller coaster ride, and this is just another part of it. As the saying goes 'it is what it is'. There is nothing that can be done about it, life will go on and we will get back to normal, or as normal as our lives are. The best thing about the Alzheimers at the moment is the fact that Mum has no clue, I won't have to worry about trying to explain it to her, because she'll forget it in no time. The worst thing is that she forgets stuff all the time, will this go on so long that she'll forget me? 

Catch yas
Cathy

Life in the Twilight Zone - 2 years later

Because of the gale we had last Sunday, I had to give up on visiting Mum, I tried, but the wind destroyed two umbrellas and I got soaked lol. I love the rain, don't get me wrong, but that was beyond rain lol. 

Weekend before that, when I arrived I went to Mum's room, and couldn't see any of her pictures and her bathroom cupboard had been emptied. I set everything up again, and we enjoyed our coffee and cake. She had no clue who had packed up her room, telling me that there was a man who came into her room and told her they all had to leave. Didn't happen of course, but I presumed she'd done it herself. Anyway, I set it all back up and she marvelled at having a bathroom all to herself. 

Fast forward to today. I get there and first off, she goes,
"Oh I'm saved, my sister is here."

Umm number 1 I'm not her sister lol, and I don't know what she was needing to be saved from, she looked pretty happy sitting at the table doing a jigsaw, but whatever. 

I laughed and replied, "Geez, thanks Mum, I'm your daughter not your sister." 

We all laughed and I turned into her room. Bam, the room is packed up again. 

"Mum, where's all your stuff?"

"I've packed it so it's easier to move."

"Move where."

"Well, I'm going home."

"Your house was sold almost 2 years ago Mum, this is where you live now."

"No, you told me I was going to live with you, or maybe it was Anthony." she pondered.

"Mum, sorry, but this is where you live now. We cannot care for you at home."

"Oh, but I thought I was going to be living with you and your kids."

"My kids are adults, they don't live at home. Sit down, and I'll set your room up again."

"How are your kids?"

"They are fine, Mum. Busy with their own lives."

"But aren't they still at school?"

"They are 35, 33 and 28 Mum, way past school age." I laughed. 

That caused her to have a laughing fit, and exclaim how she didn't remember that, and to ask was I sure. lol. 

Pretty sure I'm right, they were that age when I left home to go see her at least lol. The room set up took a while because she kept taking things out that I was putting away. I seriously need to give her cupboards a clean out, but I spend all my time there, setting her damn room up. Maybe after a few weeks, she'll settle down again. 

"So, tell me, have you seen Mum and Dad lately."

"Grandad died 28 years ago, and I can't remember how long it's been for Nana, but it's been at least 7 years."

"Are you sure? I thought they lived downstairs?"

"I'm positive Mum."

That kept her quiet for a while, either thinking that over, or it might have been the caramel date slice she was munching on lol. 

I get asked if she has regressed further, and yes she has. I was wondering at first if it was because of being moved to a different area, but when she first went into the home, she knew that Nana and Grandad were dead. She knew all her Aunts were dead. Now it's as if they are all still alive, and if it's not the Aunts moving the family up the coast, it's Nana and Grandad walking the halls of a place they've never been. 

Physically, she is still the same, she's old, so she has more aches and pains, but gets around just fine. Mentally, she regresses to pre marriage or pre 1991. When she is in pre marriage faze, she still has kids, so that's pretty damn scandalous, and I tell her so, it's a good laugh. Pre 1991, my son was born that year, her Dad died that year. And yet, my son is at school with his sisters, and her Dad is still alive. 

While she gets puzzled over the truth that I tell her, we can still have a good laugh over it. I have no doubt that when I go up next Sunday, she'll have packed up all her photos again, and again, I'll be unpacking them all, and having to explain that she lives there now. It's exhausting, seriously exhausting, both physically and mentally. I won't stop though. There will come a day when she won't recognise me for real, not just a silly slip of the tongue. So as long as she does, I'll treasure every moment, even if I'm unpacking her shit for the rest of my life lol. 

There is a few things missing that I didn't find, she had 4 toothbrushes before (yes that's way over the top, but she had them), she now has none. The TV remote has also disappeared, which of course means someone must of stolen it. I'm hoping when I can get into her drawers more, without being in there to unpack everything, it will turn up lol. 

Catch yas
Cathy

Life in the Twilight Zone - Deja Vu

Visiting Mum today, I couldn't help but feel like I'd been there before. Not in the Nursing Home, cause obviously I've been there before lol, but with the conversation. Sure there is a lot of repeating, she has Alzheimers so that goes with the territory, but today it was like a flash back to when she first moved in, 2 years ago. 

Because she has only just been moved into her new room, it was a bit of a mess, books and magazines everywhere, so I decided last Sunday that today I would get it cleaned up. She loves to colour in, so she has completed pictures as well as a lot of uncompleted. And believe me, when I say a lot, I mean a lot. She has 2 chests of drawers, a bedside chest and a hospital table, and they were all covered, and she had some filled drawers as well. All her framed photos were shoved behind more papers, so I wanted to clear it all out. 

She'd also managed to collect books. She'd obviously gotten them from the bookshelves in the lounge areas and taken them back to read, but they just sat there, unread lol. She talked today about getting a bookshelf, and I had a flash back to cleaning out her house and it's 1,000's of books. Sure you can give some to charity, but a lot of places won't take them now, and while we sold a shit load at the garage sale, I was tasked with getting rid of all those that were left. It's not a pleasant memory, and not one I want to relive. So no, she won't be getting a bookshelf. I pointed out that right outside her room in the lounge area is a couple of bookshelves filled with books for her to read, so she seemed satisfied with that. 

Now, deja vu. First thing she said,

"Oh Cathy, I haven't seen anyone for the longest time, have you seen Mum and Dad?"

"I saw you last week Mum, Nana and Eddie (grandad) have been dead for years."

"Oh, are you sure, because I think someone said they are living here."

"I'm sure Mum, I went to their funerals."

That, in my memory, is the same convo we had when she first moved into the Nursing Home. But wait there's more.

"One of the nurses was saying that they think I'll be able to go back home soon."

"This is your home, Mum. You live here now."

"Well yes, I know, but that's what they said."

"You've been living here for 2 years Mum, we sold your house, so this is now your home."

"Well someone said something about me being allowed to go and live with you."

"No Mum, that is not happening. If I was able to care for you at home, then I would of moved into your house."

"Oh, well that's okay then. They just mentioned it."

Again, almost word for word the same convo we had 2 years ago, when she first moved in. On one hand she knows it's a Nursing Home, and people live there, and on the other, she thinks of it as a respite or hospital and people come and go. She talks about how so and so went home, or someone else has gone off to live with family. In most cases, these people have either died, or just been moved to a different section lol. 

We also have convos where she seems perfectly normal. Was talking about my daughter who has separated, going to see her lawyer, and she discussed how she thought my daughters husband was so nice, and such a different person to the person he has turned out to be. A perfectly normal conversation, and she listened to what I was saying, and didn't go off on a tangent. I loved it. Of course it didn't last, but to have that normal convo with her, meant the world to me for as long as it lasted. 

Back in her room, she was surprised with how much stuff she had, and again mentioned the book case, that she isn't getting lol. She kept saying that she didn't understand how she had managed to get so much and not throw anything out. For those of you that know Mum, you would know the look I gave her right then. For those of you who don't know her, Mum was a pack rat. She stored rubber bands, plastic bags, glass jars, wrapping paper, Xmas cards, birthday cards, Sympathy cards, Congratulation cards lol. Her study was a walking newsagents lol. Now some of you may say, nothing wrong with the wrapping paper and cards, and you'd be right, to a certain extent. She would buy these cards and wrapping paper, and never use them. That was the problem. She'd forget she already had them, and go and buy new ones. I even found cards that had been written in. Even found some money in one lol. Gift bags was another thing she loved. I have most of them in my cupboard, and I've used a few of them, but I'm not sure I'll ever go through them all. None of the rubber bands she had saved was intact, the glass jars weren't even properly cleaned, shudder.

I've mentioned previously, the number of bags of clothes etc, that we donated when we moved her out. She has almost just as many clothes now as she had then. Her little 2 door wardrobe and drawers, are filled to bursting with clothes she doesn't wear, and in most cases, doesn't even fit her because she has bought them from the home op shop and not even looked at sizes. That will be the next clean out, I'll have to take more bags with me, for that one. Please don't think I will leave her with nothing, she will still have all she needs, she is just addicted to shopping, and thank goodness the little op shop is cheap, and she can afford to buy something now and then. 

Before I left, we'd repeated the convo regarding her Mum and Dad, 5 times. The only thing that was okay about it, was the fact she accepted it and didn't get all upset as if she'd just lost them lol. 

When all is said and done, life is what it is. Mum will get worse and worse, the stress will always be with me, I'll be cleaning her room out every time I go to see her, because you can bet that next week, she will have books and papers everywhere again, and have no clue how they all got there. But no matter what, I will do for her, what she did for me. 

Catch yas
Cathy

Life in the Twilight Zone - The Christmas Edition

And so that was Christmas, over for another year, time to start shopping for next Christmas LOL. 

With all the bushfires in our area lately, Mum's Nursing Home made the decision to agree to evacuate when the RFS advised it. There was no immediate threat, but since the home is surrounded by bush with one road out, it was understandable to be cautious. What I didn't know at the time, was where Mum would be evacuated to, or that it wasn't the Manager, who knows the area, who made the decision. I received a text to say they were being evacuated that night, then waited and waited for the call to advise where she was. The call came in at 11.30 pm, I was asleep. The voice on the other end of the phone, told me Mum was in Hunters Hill, and all I could think was, fucking hell, that's so far away, what about Christmas. 

Considering she has been thinking it's almost Christmas all year, I did not want her missing out. Luckily, they came back very quickly, she was only there 2 nights. All things considered it was just as well, as they only packed 2 days worth of clothes for her, and she didn't have her makeup. We were all relieved she was back, and we'd be able to see her for Christmas.

I went and picked her up, to take her to my daughters, she was a bit confused, as always, but had a really good time. She did try to claim presents that weren't hers, but hey, if they were good, why not try lol. Our grandson Rossco, loves his Nana Fathers, and sat up next to her on the couch, talking and talking. Despite knowing that she wouldn't of taken in anything he said, he does talk a mile a minute, it was a precious moment. He actually went through a bad time, thinking she had died, and he was terribly upset, so I've had to send pictures to him, via his Mum, just to prove she was still alive lol. 

When she started to look like she'd had enough, I took her back up to the home. She seemed tired, but happy. She talked a lot about how everyone had gone away for the holidays, but she does that all the time, and it's not the holidays all the time lol. 

Next day, the Nursing Home called me. Mum was really upset and wanting to talk to me. She was so confused, she was crying and saying she didn't know what was happening or where she was, and that she wanted to come home. I had to talk her down, explain to her over and over, that this was where she lived now, and that she just had to walk up to someone and start talking to them to make friends. She seemed okay by the end of the call. 

Today, Nursing Home called again, she was anxious, crying, angry, confused, you name it she was it. They had to wake her for breakfast, and she told them she had been up earlier, but was told to go back to bed, as it was too early for breakfast. They tried to tell her that hadn't happened, but she said, and the nurse said the way she said it, was entirely logical, "Then why am I in bed?" She was also worried about her Mum and Dad, and what they'd be thinking if she didn't come home. They have both been dead for quite a few years now, but she did the regression and thought she still lived at home. We made the decision to call her doctor and see if there was anything they could give her to calm her down.

Later today, they called again, she'd had a small dose of valium, and was back to normal, chatting, laughing and very relaxed. She'd played some board games, and seemed to be having fun. I didn't care about any of that, knowing that she wasn't crying anymore was good enough for me. 

It just goes to show the fragility of those who suffer from Alzheimers, one simply change or disruption to her routine, and she is lost. While she remembers how to get around the home, to her, it's as if she has just gone in. It reminds me of her Dad, he broke his ankle and when he was back on his feet, Nana had to teach him the things that he hadn't done while he was laid up. We take it for granted, we get up in the morning, we go to the crapper, we get dressed, we have coffee, breakfast, go to work, etc etc. Every day we have our routine, a small adjustment to that routine, crap run out of milk, doesn't change our day, except that we have to pick up some milk. For those who have Alzheimers, it changes their life, they are thrown into turmoil, and have no idea what is going on. 

The chair they always sit in, in the lounge, is not there, this is not the table they eat dinner at, this is not my room, everything is too much for them. The more they try and make sense of it, the more anxious they get, the more they regress. And that regression, leads to tears, it leads to pain and suffering. I imagine it would be like waking up from a coma after 25 years, everything has changed, but you don't know how or why, you have to learn to walk again, how to feed yourself, etc. But while if you wake up from a coma, you will have a life again, those with Alzheimers, won't. They will continue on in this world of confusion, the scary world that the rest of us take for granted. 

One day, she's an 83 year old great grandmother living in a Nursing Home, forgetful but living her life as best she can. The next she's an 18 year old, crying for her long dead parents, and the home she remembers as being her only home. She's gone from being a smart strong woman, who drove out with sandwiches and water to feed her husband and his fellow brigade members as they battled bushfires. From a woman who with neighbours, beat out a fire on the block next door with wet sacks, to a shadow of what she once was. 

I hope that she comes back from this, I know as time goes on she will get worse anyway, but I want her to get back to her forgetful self. The person, who forgets every damn thing you tell her, but who is so happy to see you and share a joke with you. I just want to keep that woman for a while longer, thanks.

Catch yas
Cathy