Life in the Twilight Zone - Deja Vu

Visiting Mum today, I couldn't help but feel like I'd been there before. Not in the Nursing Home, cause obviously I've been there before lol, but with the conversation. Sure there is a lot of repeating, she has Alzheimers so that goes with the territory, but today it was like a flash back to when she first moved in, 2 years ago. 

Because she has only just been moved into her new room, it was a bit of a mess, books and magazines everywhere, so I decided last Sunday that today I would get it cleaned up. She loves to colour in, so she has completed pictures as well as a lot of uncompleted. And believe me, when I say a lot, I mean a lot. She has 2 chests of drawers, a bedside chest and a hospital table, and they were all covered, and she had some filled drawers as well. All her framed photos were shoved behind more papers, so I wanted to clear it all out. 

She'd also managed to collect books. She'd obviously gotten them from the bookshelves in the lounge areas and taken them back to read, but they just sat there, unread lol. She talked today about getting a bookshelf, and I had a flash back to cleaning out her house and it's 1,000's of books. Sure you can give some to charity, but a lot of places won't take them now, and while we sold a shit load at the garage sale, I was tasked with getting rid of all those that were left. It's not a pleasant memory, and not one I want to relive. So no, she won't be getting a bookshelf. I pointed out that right outside her room in the lounge area is a couple of bookshelves filled with books for her to read, so she seemed satisfied with that. 

Now, deja vu. First thing she said,

"Oh Cathy, I haven't seen anyone for the longest time, have you seen Mum and Dad?"

"I saw you last week Mum, Nana and Eddie (grandad) have been dead for years."

"Oh, are you sure, because I think someone said they are living here."

"I'm sure Mum, I went to their funerals."

That, in my memory, is the same convo we had when she first moved into the Nursing Home. But wait there's more.

"One of the nurses was saying that they think I'll be able to go back home soon."

"This is your home, Mum. You live here now."

"Well yes, I know, but that's what they said."

"You've been living here for 2 years Mum, we sold your house, so this is now your home."

"Well someone said something about me being allowed to go and live with you."

"No Mum, that is not happening. If I was able to care for you at home, then I would of moved into your house."

"Oh, well that's okay then. They just mentioned it."

Again, almost word for word the same convo we had 2 years ago, when she first moved in. On one hand she knows it's a Nursing Home, and people live there, and on the other, she thinks of it as a respite or hospital and people come and go. She talks about how so and so went home, or someone else has gone off to live with family. In most cases, these people have either died, or just been moved to a different section lol. 

We also have convos where she seems perfectly normal. Was talking about my daughter who has separated, going to see her lawyer, and she discussed how she thought my daughters husband was so nice, and such a different person to the person he has turned out to be. A perfectly normal conversation, and she listened to what I was saying, and didn't go off on a tangent. I loved it. Of course it didn't last, but to have that normal convo with her, meant the world to me for as long as it lasted. 

Back in her room, she was surprised with how much stuff she had, and again mentioned the book case, that she isn't getting lol. She kept saying that she didn't understand how she had managed to get so much and not throw anything out. For those of you that know Mum, you would know the look I gave her right then. For those of you who don't know her, Mum was a pack rat. She stored rubber bands, plastic bags, glass jars, wrapping paper, Xmas cards, birthday cards, Sympathy cards, Congratulation cards lol. Her study was a walking newsagents lol. Now some of you may say, nothing wrong with the wrapping paper and cards, and you'd be right, to a certain extent. She would buy these cards and wrapping paper, and never use them. That was the problem. She'd forget she already had them, and go and buy new ones. I even found cards that had been written in. Even found some money in one lol. Gift bags was another thing she loved. I have most of them in my cupboard, and I've used a few of them, but I'm not sure I'll ever go through them all. None of the rubber bands she had saved was intact, the glass jars weren't even properly cleaned, shudder.

I've mentioned previously, the number of bags of clothes etc, that we donated when we moved her out. She has almost just as many clothes now as she had then. Her little 2 door wardrobe and drawers, are filled to bursting with clothes she doesn't wear, and in most cases, doesn't even fit her because she has bought them from the home op shop and not even looked at sizes. That will be the next clean out, I'll have to take more bags with me, for that one. Please don't think I will leave her with nothing, she will still have all she needs, she is just addicted to shopping, and thank goodness the little op shop is cheap, and she can afford to buy something now and then. 

Before I left, we'd repeated the convo regarding her Mum and Dad, 5 times. The only thing that was okay about it, was the fact she accepted it and didn't get all upset as if she'd just lost them lol. 

When all is said and done, life is what it is. Mum will get worse and worse, the stress will always be with me, I'll be cleaning her room out every time I go to see her, because you can bet that next week, she will have books and papers everywhere again, and have no clue how they all got there. But no matter what, I will do for her, what she did for me. 

Catch yas
Cathy