I don't wanna

 

I've been heading for a downward spiral lately, having suffered from depression for years, you recognise the signs. I've come to the conclusion, that I just don't want to adult anymore lol. I want someone else to step in, and take control. Someone to make all decisions involving money, Mum and well, my life. 

Tell me when to go to bed, I'll probably kick and scream about it, but make me. Tell me what time to wake up, I won't be nice when I do wake up, but tell me anyway. Make me sit down to eat a proper meal, toast or coco pops for dinner is probably not adulting. You pay all the bills, you stress over all the small and large decisions about Mum, you take it over and let me be. Let me go outside and run under the sprinkler, let me leave dirty clothes lying around, let me do absolutely nothing while you handle it all. 

Sunday was my day off, the spiral hit, sitting in my chair watching some ridiculous show on TV and bam, started crying. I wasn't crying for any reason, wasn't watching cute kittens and puppies, or even babies, or the big one for me, some funeral ad. Just started for no reason, and the only thing I wanted to do was curl up and just bawl. Then I thought, where the hell are the damn adults to help me out when I need them. Why do I have to be the adult? I don't wanna........

I want to wake up in the morning, knowing the biggest decision I have to make for the day, is should I brush my hair? I just want to put on the kettle, feed the cat and enjoy my damn coffee. I don't want those thoughts pushing their way into my head, you need to pay this bill, don't forget to make that shopping list, the car needs petrol, get that form done for Mum, balance yours and her budget, am I doing enough, could I do more? All those fucking things that dance around my head all fucking day and night. Am I good enough? Should I really be an adult? Who the fuck put me in charge? Actually the 'Who the fuck put me in charge?' should be in caps, cause whoever they were had no fucking idea what they were doing, lol. 

As a kid, you fight against the rules, can't wait to be an adult so you can do your own thing, you will be in control. Now I'm 61, I want someone else to do it all. I'm just so tired of it. I would probably end up rebelling as I did as a teen, can't drive to the shops? Just you watch, I'll show you!!! lol. Can't stay up late?, who's going to stop me!!!! lol. It could be just because I'm the sole adult, well the sole person in this house, so it all falls on me. I get overwhelmed, and is that a surprise? No it's not. Being overwhelmed is not a new thing, it's just something that, when I'm spiralling comes to the front, standing proud and at attention. I try not to let it show, and I know I'm good with a laugh and a sarcastic comment at pretty much everything, but the dark side is always there, waiting to leap out, and well, overwhelm me. 

I don't know about you, but I've spent a lot of my adult life feeling guilty. Not because I've committed a crime, but things like, did I do enough for the kids, did they have enough growing up with a mother who couldn't give them everything all their friends had. Did I really help them become the great adults that they are? I married twice, first husband mentally abused me for years, told me I wasn't good enough, drank because that's what he wanted, but why didn't he want to come home to me and the girls, did I fail? Second husband was my soulmate, but when he died, the guilt overwhelmed me for having my girls go through the loss of 2 fathers, and after an argument with my son, why didn't I put myself back out there and find another father for them. Obviously, I didn't want to put myself out there again, fuck that after 2 marriages, but they all grew up without a father, so did I do everything I could for them? 

Then there's Mum. I feel guilty that she wasn't able to stay at home longer, I should have quit my job and been a full time carer for her. Why was I selfish? But was I really selfish? I mean she's happy, and well cared for, so why would I feel guilty? Cause I do, plan and simple. I'm overwhelmed with guilt, and that's because, yep, I'm a fucking adult. If I was a kid, I wouldn't have to make these decisions, so again, I don't wanna....

So there it is folks, I don't wanna.....unless someone tells me to do something I don't wanna do, then I pull out the but I'm an adult card lol. 

Catch yas

Cathy