Monday, April 30, 2012

What's in a Name

I work in a business taking bookings, so I see a lot of strange names, and I can't help but think What the Hell were your parents thinking? It's not just the strange first name that would of led to a lifetime of torture at school, but the spellings of names from so called cool parents who just want something different. They might as well call their kids doorknob, at least they won't have to tell everyone how to spell it. And you can just see these kids coming of age and rushing down to change it by deed poll.

Of course there's also the first names that are the same or similar to the surname, John Johnson, Jack Jackson or John Johns, for shits sake people get an imagination. Of course if you are truly evil then you'll name your kids something so ridiculous that you are guaranteeing a life of therapy for your child. Who could forget Jason Lees poor child Pilot Inspektor and his next child Caspar, good grief. Celebrities seem to pick the strangest names as if they want their children to be ridiculed so they never think they are better than their parents. I reckon that's deliberate, I'm the famous one not you, get to therapy.

You can have a lot of fun naming a child of course, pick out something that you know will guarantee a humilating experience for a child then tell everyone that's what your going to name your new baby. Check out their faces, they will struggle to keep a straight face while telling you what a lovely name. Oh so you like the idea of me naming my child Stroganoff Mackerel Hamstrung? Remember to deliver the name sincerely so they will believe you, it's a fun game to play when your sick of everyone asking you what your going to call the baby. Would be even better if you had a hidden camera somewhere capturing the expressions on their faces.

So what name was it that I came across that prompted me to write this blog, Vivian and that would be Mr Vivian James surname blank to protect the innocent. He is an older man so it's probably his mothers name or a family name, but once I stopped laughing and imagined the poor boy at school lying on the ground after getting pummelled by some bully, I started thinking about all the ridiculous names I've seen and heard and how cruel parents can be. There was also the lady called Neville, and as that's my Dads name I started wondering if he's really my Dad or my Mum, jury is still out on that one.

I think they should have a law on ridiculous names, I know there is certain names you can't register, and with a damn good reason, but perhaps some sort of book. Or there could be someone at the hospital and when you tell them the name and spelling for your new baby if it's ridiculous you'll get a slap over the head, and the slaps will keep coming till you come up with a name that won't seriously damage your child. But in the spirit of naming children just to cause them a lifetime of angst I'm renaming my children their new names in order of age are:

Fitzimmons Protractor Constable
Englebert Powercord Plastic
and
Hyacinth Fencepost Milkbottle

Sorry kids but I've got to change with the times and stay cool.

Catch ya
Cathy

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