I've worked out why it's called menopause, it's cause men totally piss us off, so we pause while we think why the fuck do I need a man! If it wasn't that it would be called hot flush hell, or mood swing explosion. But nope it's all to do with men! Well, maybe not but lets blame them for it anyway. Before I go any further I have to say, this is me and menopause, not anyone else, I am not saying that everyone else is faking it, or having a reasonably easy time of it. I totally understand how hard it is for some and I'm so glad that's not me.
Why is it that we woman put up with all the indignities we suffer through our long lives, and then some hot flush creeps up on us and we welcome the change to our life. We have to put up with the wonderful experience of becoming a woman, the mess, the pain, the expense and the incovenience of getting a period and we are supposed to be delighted in our new bodies and what they can now do. Then it's the pain of experiencing childbirth, and all the delights that come with it. Sleepless nights, enormous mounds of washing, a body that has changed so much we cannot even recognise it, cracked nipples and the joy of a screaming baby. Lets not forget the oh so pleasant pap smear, nothing like visiting the doctor and putting your feet up in stirrups while he probes with a mini bottle washer and something cold that always makes me think of an ice cream scoop. All while they tell us to relax, almost done, just lie back and think of England ladies. Better yet, throw your doctor up there and put that scoop where the sun don't shine.
We deal with the heartbreaks of childhood, the "no one likes me mum" "why don't you buy me cool things like ....mum does" the pain of a childs lost first love, all the emotional highs and lows of raising said children. And then just like that we are no longer women we are old crones, dried up and useless. No longer able to bear children, but we are expected to deal with the dreaded menopause with smiles on our faces. Our doctors seem almost embarrassed when discussing it, we listen to the same old thing "all women go through it" sure they do, but I'm not talking about them, I'm talking about me, so fucking listen to me! Of course it is a good excuse to go red in the face and rush outside for that cooler air, or to demand the ac be set to high and watch everyone else in the office don arctic wear (guaranteed to bring a smile to your face), it's a great excuse to burst into tears every time you watch an ad advertising coffee or one with a cute puppy. Never mind that you are faking it, everyone sees the tears and clears the room, I've tried it and it works.
It's the perfect excuse for falling asleep while watching the TV, everyone will creep around and keep quiet while Mum naps, because we have to be understanding of her feelings during this difficult time. The only thing difficult for me, is the hot flushes, having to sleep with a fan on all night in the dead of winter, the tossing and turning as I get hot then cold during the night. It's probably just as well that I don't have anyone else in my bed, they'd have packed up and moved out by now. There is also the loss of sex drive, but for me, single and alone, that's just not an issue, not that I don't miss my man, but I'd rather sleep than have sex these days.
I do love the mood swings, or what I say are mood swings, you can behave in the most outrageous fashion, then cover it up with the menopause excuse. In reality I'm just messing with you, and faking a mood swing, but you don't know that. You can lock yourself in your room, and no one comes near you for fear of the mood swing. Drive off in the car without a word, and when you return the house has been cleaned for you. It's a truely magical time, if you play it right.
With menopause if you play it right, you can have a permanent mood swing and keep everyone hopping. Maybe I'm just an old meanie, but it's fun, and hey I'm not getting any sex (not that I want any) so I take my fun where I can. The fact that my child bearing years are over, is not something that worries me, if I'd wanted more kids I'd of had them when I could, now I'm happy with the grand kids.
So I'm entering the golden years, but what's so golden about them. My hips hurt my eyesight is fading, I can't hear so good, and I forget shit all the time. I'd rather be permanently stuck in the menopause years.
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