Life in the Twilight Zone - And the hits keep coming

 I was going through Mum's statements from the Nursing Home, and noticed they'd taken out almost double the usual amount, so emailed them to find out why. It turns out that not only does she have to pay the standard $52 odd dollars for her daily care fees, but she also has to pay another fee called The Means Tested Aged Care Fee. Now it is only $12.52 per day, but that's another hit to her very limited budget.

Why are they charging her this, you may be asking (you might not be asking, but you're reading my blog, so shut up while I tell you lol), all pensioners need to have their assets tested to see if they are getting paid the correct pension, and apparently so the government can screw them over for more money. 

Mum has worked hard her whole life, paying taxes, and paying off her own home, and is now being punished for it. We had to make the hard decision to put her in the home, when advised by the hospital that they wouldn't let her back home, without 24/7 care, and the home was the safest and best option for her. It is a wonderful place, they take really good care of her, and I have no complaints with them, even if they are a bunch of damn Catho's (blame my brother for that one hehehe). We had to sell her house, to pay for the refundable bond that paid for her private room and ensuite, and she is charged from her pension for her daily care. None of that was unexpected, and we were happy with it. 

Like every other pensioner, she was means tested, and they looked at all her assets. When she owned her home, that was not taken into consideration, but now she has no home of her own, they have hit her up for this fee because of the refundable bond. What pisses me off, is that this bond may be refundable, but it doesn't earn interest and as she is in the home for life, she won't ever see it again. As her heirs, my brothers and I will benefit from it, but not Mum. So, in effect, to me she is being punished for being old and unable to care for herself, like the old venerable blot on society. 

I admit to being short with the poor girl who took my call from DHS, as a call centre operator I'm usually much more polite, because I understand they are just doing their job. But this made me so angry that I was rude, and I don't regret it lol. She directed me to a form to download and complete to plead hardship. Reading up on it, I can't see how it would help as it seems to only be for a year, but I'll try. The form is fucking long, and not easy to follow, I have to provide receipts and statements, so it won't be easy, but I will do it. I'm not doing it for me, but for Mum. 

So, in short, the government is screwing over yet another old lady, and don't give a shit. I've sent an email to the Federal Aged Care Minister, expecting it to be read by a minion and then ignored, but I felt better for it at least. Any other Aussies out there who read my blog, feel free to email as well. Minister.Colbeck@health.gov.au on behalf of all Aussie pensioners who may find themselves in the same boat as my Mum. 

Catch yas

Cathy

Life in the Twilight Zone - Damn Rona

Firstly I just want to explain Rona, in case you are wondering that is. Rona stands for Corona Virus or Covid-19, shortened to Rona, cause I'm Aussie lol. Secondly, shout out to my cousin Robyn, I won't go into details, but she messaged me today, and it reminded me that I hadn't written for quite some time, and as it helps me feel better when I write, here goes. Fair warning, this probably won't contain as much humour as usual, in my 'Life in the Twilight Zone' missives, although it's rather presumptuous of me to think anyone actually laughs at my musings lol. 

We've all been living in isolation, socially distancing ourselves, some of us have been wearing face masks, and we've all been busy washing our hands (although one would like to think we do that normally anyway). There's been ads on TV about how to act and what we can do, one that comes to mind is a shot of a grandparent sitting in a chair outside a window reading to grandkids who are all sitting inside. Or people face timing family and friends, even just talking on the phone makes an appearance. But what we don't see is what do we do if it's not possible to sit outside a window, face time or call. Just to be clear, it's not impossible to face time or call, but I'll explain what I mean and why I added them. 

I work from home, which I'm sure I've said before, so am used to isolation. I like it, I hate when I have to go to the office, sitting on a couple of crowded trains for 2 hours each way, is not my idea of a fun time, and the city is dirty and loud. I can live without it, easily. In a normal week, I would go out twice, once to shop and once to visit Mum. Of course, there are times when I'm out more, visiting family or friends, but normally it's just the twice. Now it's once a week and I'm getting antsy. 

Mums nursing home has been in lock down for over a month. A staff member who worked there, tested positive for Rona, they say she wasn't working while sick, but just because she didn't feel sick, doesn't mean she wasn't. So into lock down they go, totally understandable and glad they did. They followed the guidelines from the Health Department, and ran tests on all. Luckily all tests have shown negative results. They've sent texts each day to ensure we know all is fine. And I love that, they are a great group of people and I'm so confident that they will do everything they can to keep all the residents safe. They've looked after Mum so well, since she's been there. 

Because Mum has Alzheimers she really has no idea what's going on, what day it is, and when she last saw anyone lol. So she would just be coasting along, in her own little world. I was told that I could face time her, or call anytime, which is great, but......... Even before Mum was diagnosed she was technologically challenged lol. She had bought herself a computer, and would call me to find out why it wouldn't turn on, she wouldn't have clicked the power button, or had unplugged from the wall. She'd forget her password constantly, and lose the paper it was written on lol. She had a pretty good flip phone, but decided she wanted a new one that had larger buttons. Okay, it's easier with the larger buttons. But, she'd have the phone in her bag, and bump it or something, and bam, she'd be calling me, with no idea she had actually made a call. It had a lock on it, to stop that from happening, but she never remembered how to do it (it was a switch, up or down, on the side, easy as lol). She had trouble operating remote controls too, and know this, all of this was way before her diagnosis, it was just her. Not everyone has to get it, so that's okay. 

I've called Mum at the home before, or she's had them call me, it doesn't go well. She will ask me when I'm coming to get her, or when is her Mum and Dad coming. It's like she thinks she doesn't live there, has just been there for a holiday or as if she's been in hospital. And of course her Mum and Dad have been dead for years so they aren't ever going to come lol. She always ends up in tears, or starts the conversation in tears, and is unsettled for days after wards, which doesn't do her any good. There's been times she's been so unsettled she has needed medication to calm her down and I don't want her to be constantly medicated. I figured since I was off work I could give face time a try, I wasn't overly confident but determined. To do this, I had to make an appointment, and she was sitting with a staff member in control of the tablet. It was great to see her, but so frustrating. She didn't get it, kept trying to touch the tablet, which of course might have hung up or minimised or something lol. She also didn't understand why I didn't just pop up for a visit rather than talking to her like this, 'was I sick?' lol. 

I got a text from the home today, they are going to Tier 3, which is you can visit, but have to make an appointment and it has to be office hours Mon - Fri. On top of that, you have to have proof that you've had a flu shot, and they do a temp check (temp check is fine). I haven't had a flu shot, ever, so not sure I want to have one. When they get to Tier 4 it will all be back to normal, I can visit whenever and no checks. I'm not complaining, I want them to ease into it, I want Mum and the others to be safe, it's just frustrating. 

Regardless of how often I tell myself she is fine, they'd tell me if there was a problem, it doesn't ease the worry, the anxiety and the guilt. Sure I shouldn't feel guilty, nothing I can do about Rona, I didn't have anything to do with it's spread. I don't need to worry or feel anxious as I know she's fine, but that doesn't stop me from doing either lol. Mum having Alzheimers has basically taken a grown, independent, capable and intelligent woman, and stripped her down to the basics. I know that despite my worrying, when it's all over and we can resume life after Rona, she probably won't even realise it's been ages since I've seen her, I could tell her I saw her the previous week, and she'd believe me lol. 

Life hasn't been the same for us, since Mum was diagnosed, It's been a roller coaster ride, and this is just another part of it. As the saying goes 'it is what it is'. There is nothing that can be done about it, life will go on and we will get back to normal, or as normal as our lives are. The best thing about the Alzheimers at the moment is the fact that Mum has no clue, I won't have to worry about trying to explain it to her, because she'll forget it in no time. The worst thing is that she forgets stuff all the time, will this go on so long that she'll forget me? 

Catch yas
Cathy

Life in the Twilight Zone - 2 years later

Because of the gale we had last Sunday, I had to give up on visiting Mum, I tried, but the wind destroyed two umbrellas and I got soaked lol. I love the rain, don't get me wrong, but that was beyond rain lol. 

Weekend before that, when I arrived I went to Mum's room, and couldn't see any of her pictures and her bathroom cupboard had been emptied. I set everything up again, and we enjoyed our coffee and cake. She had no clue who had packed up her room, telling me that there was a man who came into her room and told her they all had to leave. Didn't happen of course, but I presumed she'd done it herself. Anyway, I set it all back up and she marvelled at having a bathroom all to herself. 

Fast forward to today. I get there and first off, she goes,
"Oh I'm saved, my sister is here."

Umm number 1 I'm not her sister lol, and I don't know what she was needing to be saved from, she looked pretty happy sitting at the table doing a jigsaw, but whatever. 

I laughed and replied, "Geez, thanks Mum, I'm your daughter not your sister." 

We all laughed and I turned into her room. Bam, the room is packed up again. 

"Mum, where's all your stuff?"

"I've packed it so it's easier to move."

"Move where."

"Well, I'm going home."

"Your house was sold almost 2 years ago Mum, this is where you live now."

"No, you told me I was going to live with you, or maybe it was Anthony." she pondered.

"Mum, sorry, but this is where you live now. We cannot care for you at home."

"Oh, but I thought I was going to be living with you and your kids."

"My kids are adults, they don't live at home. Sit down, and I'll set your room up again."

"How are your kids?"

"They are fine, Mum. Busy with their own lives."

"But aren't they still at school?"

"They are 35, 33 and 28 Mum, way past school age." I laughed. 

That caused her to have a laughing fit, and exclaim how she didn't remember that, and to ask was I sure. lol. 

Pretty sure I'm right, they were that age when I left home to go see her at least lol. The room set up took a while because she kept taking things out that I was putting away. I seriously need to give her cupboards a clean out, but I spend all my time there, setting her damn room up. Maybe after a few weeks, she'll settle down again. 

"So, tell me, have you seen Mum and Dad lately."

"Grandad died 28 years ago, and I can't remember how long it's been for Nana, but it's been at least 7 years."

"Are you sure? I thought they lived downstairs?"

"I'm positive Mum."

That kept her quiet for a while, either thinking that over, or it might have been the caramel date slice she was munching on lol. 

I get asked if she has regressed further, and yes she has. I was wondering at first if it was because of being moved to a different area, but when she first went into the home, she knew that Nana and Grandad were dead. She knew all her Aunts were dead. Now it's as if they are all still alive, and if it's not the Aunts moving the family up the coast, it's Nana and Grandad walking the halls of a place they've never been. 

Physically, she is still the same, she's old, so she has more aches and pains, but gets around just fine. Mentally, she regresses to pre marriage or pre 1991. When she is in pre marriage faze, she still has kids, so that's pretty damn scandalous, and I tell her so, it's a good laugh. Pre 1991, my son was born that year, her Dad died that year. And yet, my son is at school with his sisters, and her Dad is still alive. 

While she gets puzzled over the truth that I tell her, we can still have a good laugh over it. I have no doubt that when I go up next Sunday, she'll have packed up all her photos again, and again, I'll be unpacking them all, and having to explain that she lives there now. It's exhausting, seriously exhausting, both physically and mentally. I won't stop though. There will come a day when she won't recognise me for real, not just a silly slip of the tongue. So as long as she does, I'll treasure every moment, even if I'm unpacking her shit for the rest of my life lol. 

There is a few things missing that I didn't find, she had 4 toothbrushes before (yes that's way over the top, but she had them), she now has none. The TV remote has also disappeared, which of course means someone must of stolen it. I'm hoping when I can get into her drawers more, without being in there to unpack everything, it will turn up lol. 

Catch yas
Cathy

Life in the Twilight Zone - Deja Vu

Visiting Mum today, I couldn't help but feel like I'd been there before. Not in the Nursing Home, cause obviously I've been there before lol, but with the conversation. Sure there is a lot of repeating, she has Alzheimers so that goes with the territory, but today it was like a flash back to when she first moved in, 2 years ago. 

Because she has only just been moved into her new room, it was a bit of a mess, books and magazines everywhere, so I decided last Sunday that today I would get it cleaned up. She loves to colour in, so she has completed pictures as well as a lot of uncompleted. And believe me, when I say a lot, I mean a lot. She has 2 chests of drawers, a bedside chest and a hospital table, and they were all covered, and she had some filled drawers as well. All her framed photos were shoved behind more papers, so I wanted to clear it all out. 

She'd also managed to collect books. She'd obviously gotten them from the bookshelves in the lounge areas and taken them back to read, but they just sat there, unread lol. She talked today about getting a bookshelf, and I had a flash back to cleaning out her house and it's 1,000's of books. Sure you can give some to charity, but a lot of places won't take them now, and while we sold a shit load at the garage sale, I was tasked with getting rid of all those that were left. It's not a pleasant memory, and not one I want to relive. So no, she won't be getting a bookshelf. I pointed out that right outside her room in the lounge area is a couple of bookshelves filled with books for her to read, so she seemed satisfied with that. 

Now, deja vu. First thing she said,

"Oh Cathy, I haven't seen anyone for the longest time, have you seen Mum and Dad?"

"I saw you last week Mum, Nana and Eddie (grandad) have been dead for years."

"Oh, are you sure, because I think someone said they are living here."

"I'm sure Mum, I went to their funerals."

That, in my memory, is the same convo we had when she first moved into the Nursing Home. But wait there's more.

"One of the nurses was saying that they think I'll be able to go back home soon."

"This is your home, Mum. You live here now."

"Well yes, I know, but that's what they said."

"You've been living here for 2 years Mum, we sold your house, so this is now your home."

"Well someone said something about me being allowed to go and live with you."

"No Mum, that is not happening. If I was able to care for you at home, then I would of moved into your house."

"Oh, well that's okay then. They just mentioned it."

Again, almost word for word the same convo we had 2 years ago, when she first moved in. On one hand she knows it's a Nursing Home, and people live there, and on the other, she thinks of it as a respite or hospital and people come and go. She talks about how so and so went home, or someone else has gone off to live with family. In most cases, these people have either died, or just been moved to a different section lol. 

We also have convos where she seems perfectly normal. Was talking about my daughter who has separated, going to see her lawyer, and she discussed how she thought my daughters husband was so nice, and such a different person to the person he has turned out to be. A perfectly normal conversation, and she listened to what I was saying, and didn't go off on a tangent. I loved it. Of course it didn't last, but to have that normal convo with her, meant the world to me for as long as it lasted. 

Back in her room, she was surprised with how much stuff she had, and again mentioned the book case, that she isn't getting lol. She kept saying that she didn't understand how she had managed to get so much and not throw anything out. For those of you that know Mum, you would know the look I gave her right then. For those of you who don't know her, Mum was a pack rat. She stored rubber bands, plastic bags, glass jars, wrapping paper, Xmas cards, birthday cards, Sympathy cards, Congratulation cards lol. Her study was a walking newsagents lol. Now some of you may say, nothing wrong with the wrapping paper and cards, and you'd be right, to a certain extent. She would buy these cards and wrapping paper, and never use them. That was the problem. She'd forget she already had them, and go and buy new ones. I even found cards that had been written in. Even found some money in one lol. Gift bags was another thing she loved. I have most of them in my cupboard, and I've used a few of them, but I'm not sure I'll ever go through them all. None of the rubber bands she had saved was intact, the glass jars weren't even properly cleaned, shudder.

I've mentioned previously, the number of bags of clothes etc, that we donated when we moved her out. She has almost just as many clothes now as she had then. Her little 2 door wardrobe and drawers, are filled to bursting with clothes she doesn't wear, and in most cases, doesn't even fit her because she has bought them from the home op shop and not even looked at sizes. That will be the next clean out, I'll have to take more bags with me, for that one. Please don't think I will leave her with nothing, she will still have all she needs, she is just addicted to shopping, and thank goodness the little op shop is cheap, and she can afford to buy something now and then. 

Before I left, we'd repeated the convo regarding her Mum and Dad, 5 times. The only thing that was okay about it, was the fact she accepted it and didn't get all upset as if she'd just lost them lol. 

When all is said and done, life is what it is. Mum will get worse and worse, the stress will always be with me, I'll be cleaning her room out every time I go to see her, because you can bet that next week, she will have books and papers everywhere again, and have no clue how they all got there. But no matter what, I will do for her, what she did for me. 

Catch yas
Cathy

Life in the Twilight Zone - The Christmas Edition

And so that was Christmas, over for another year, time to start shopping for next Christmas LOL. 

With all the bushfires in our area lately, Mum's Nursing Home made the decision to agree to evacuate when the RFS advised it. There was no immediate threat, but since the home is surrounded by bush with one road out, it was understandable to be cautious. What I didn't know at the time, was where Mum would be evacuated to, or that it wasn't the Manager, who knows the area, who made the decision. I received a text to say they were being evacuated that night, then waited and waited for the call to advise where she was. The call came in at 11.30 pm, I was asleep. The voice on the other end of the phone, told me Mum was in Hunters Hill, and all I could think was, fucking hell, that's so far away, what about Christmas. 

Considering she has been thinking it's almost Christmas all year, I did not want her missing out. Luckily, they came back very quickly, she was only there 2 nights. All things considered it was just as well, as they only packed 2 days worth of clothes for her, and she didn't have her makeup. We were all relieved she was back, and we'd be able to see her for Christmas.

I went and picked her up, to take her to my daughters, she was a bit confused, as always, but had a really good time. She did try to claim presents that weren't hers, but hey, if they were good, why not try lol. Our grandson Rossco, loves his Nana Fathers, and sat up next to her on the couch, talking and talking. Despite knowing that she wouldn't of taken in anything he said, he does talk a mile a minute, it was a precious moment. He actually went through a bad time, thinking she had died, and he was terribly upset, so I've had to send pictures to him, via his Mum, just to prove she was still alive lol. 

When she started to look like she'd had enough, I took her back up to the home. She seemed tired, but happy. She talked a lot about how everyone had gone away for the holidays, but she does that all the time, and it's not the holidays all the time lol. 

Next day, the Nursing Home called me. Mum was really upset and wanting to talk to me. She was so confused, she was crying and saying she didn't know what was happening or where she was, and that she wanted to come home. I had to talk her down, explain to her over and over, that this was where she lived now, and that she just had to walk up to someone and start talking to them to make friends. She seemed okay by the end of the call. 

Today, Nursing Home called again, she was anxious, crying, angry, confused, you name it she was it. They had to wake her for breakfast, and she told them she had been up earlier, but was told to go back to bed, as it was too early for breakfast. They tried to tell her that hadn't happened, but she said, and the nurse said the way she said it, was entirely logical, "Then why am I in bed?" She was also worried about her Mum and Dad, and what they'd be thinking if she didn't come home. They have both been dead for quite a few years now, but she did the regression and thought she still lived at home. We made the decision to call her doctor and see if there was anything they could give her to calm her down.

Later today, they called again, she'd had a small dose of valium, and was back to normal, chatting, laughing and very relaxed. She'd played some board games, and seemed to be having fun. I didn't care about any of that, knowing that she wasn't crying anymore was good enough for me. 

It just goes to show the fragility of those who suffer from Alzheimers, one simply change or disruption to her routine, and she is lost. While she remembers how to get around the home, to her, it's as if she has just gone in. It reminds me of her Dad, he broke his ankle and when he was back on his feet, Nana had to teach him the things that he hadn't done while he was laid up. We take it for granted, we get up in the morning, we go to the crapper, we get dressed, we have coffee, breakfast, go to work, etc etc. Every day we have our routine, a small adjustment to that routine, crap run out of milk, doesn't change our day, except that we have to pick up some milk. For those who have Alzheimers, it changes their life, they are thrown into turmoil, and have no idea what is going on. 

The chair they always sit in, in the lounge, is not there, this is not the table they eat dinner at, this is not my room, everything is too much for them. The more they try and make sense of it, the more anxious they get, the more they regress. And that regression, leads to tears, it leads to pain and suffering. I imagine it would be like waking up from a coma after 25 years, everything has changed, but you don't know how or why, you have to learn to walk again, how to feed yourself, etc. But while if you wake up from a coma, you will have a life again, those with Alzheimers, won't. They will continue on in this world of confusion, the scary world that the rest of us take for granted. 

One day, she's an 83 year old great grandmother living in a Nursing Home, forgetful but living her life as best she can. The next she's an 18 year old, crying for her long dead parents, and the home she remembers as being her only home. She's gone from being a smart strong woman, who drove out with sandwiches and water to feed her husband and his fellow brigade members as they battled bushfires. From a woman who with neighbours, beat out a fire on the block next door with wet sacks, to a shadow of what she once was. 

I hope that she comes back from this, I know as time goes on she will get worse anyway, but I want her to get back to her forgetful self. The person, who forgets every damn thing you tell her, but who is so happy to see you and share a joke with you. I just want to keep that woman for a while longer, thanks.

Catch yas
Cathy

Stop Thief

Went down to do my main shopping today. I get paid once a fortnight and after all the bills I get as much as I can to last the 2 weeks. A story I'm sure many of you know. I'm a widow, so it's just my salary, he didn't die leaving me a huge life insurance policy or super, it was just debt that I had to clear up by selling the house and car. 

I raised my 3 kids on a supporting parents pension, we ate a lot of crap, and I couldn't buy the kids everything I would of loved to give them. But we were together and had a roof over our heads. 

I've always had sympathy for people doing it tough, aged pensioners trying to eke out a life on the small amount they get from the government, single parents like myself trying to keep their heads above water. Even working parents, sure you get a salary, but it doesn't stop the bills from coming in. I look at people and think, I don't know you, I don't know if you struggle, or if you have a horrible life. You are just the same as me, taking it one day at a time. 

Today though, I got angry. I did my shopping, ducked into buy something else with my trolley behind me, but out of the line of sight of the shop owner. Someone walked up and just walked off with my trolley. Took everything I had just paid for as if it was nothing. Good news is that I got it all back. But the fact that someone could do that, without any problem at all, has me thinking, fuck everyone. Fuck you and your fucking sob story, I don't care. You've had it tough, tough shit, everyone has a fucking story, yours is just one of many. 

I don't like thinking like that. I like to feel that I have empathy for others and their situations. But right now, all I can think of, is sure you abandoned the trolley so you didn't get caught, but how fucking dare you take it in the first place. No matter how bad my financial situation got, I never resorted to stealing. How could I? I don't know if the person is struggling like me, they could be living in a car for all I know. The same holds true to the person who felt they had the right to steal from me. 

Sure my life is better than some, do I own my own home, nope I rent, do I have a job, yep it pays the bills, do I struggle to keep my head above water, damn straight I fucking do. Do I spend all my money on alcohol or drugs, nope, can't afford that shit. But none of that gives anyone the right to take from me. Big deal I have a trolley with food in it, and you don't, I sympathise but get your hands off my shit. There are so many organisations out there that will help people, nowadays. Not so many when I was raising my kids. If that sounds tough, then too fucking bad. This arsehole who thought they had the right to steal from a stranger has hardened me up. 

At least they have hardened me up today. Who knows what tomorrow will bring, not me that's for sure. Even when I had nothing, I felt lucky that I had family around me. I had support from others. I got myself a job, I continue to do my job, even though I'd love to retire lol. I don't owe anyone with less than me anything. And right now if someone came around collecting for charity, I'd shut the door on them. 

I don't want to be someone who doesn't feel for others, or help when I can. But I just can't shake this feeling that there is someone out there, who has just done the same thing to someone who is worse off than me. Because of that, I can't feel any sympathy for the attempted thief. I have no doubt that I am not the first they've stolen from or tried to steal from, and I have no doubt that I'll be the last. Next time I go shopping, I will be on edge, I'll be watching everyone, my hand will not leave my trolley, I won't feel secure until I'm back home. And that is what fuckers like this do to us, they leave us feeling insecure, wary of strangers, and unsafe. Now in some ways that can be a good thing, but in others, that's what is wrong with this damn world. It's why so many think that carrying a gun with them at all times is okay. 

I feel sad for our world, I'm not going to say the old, 'It didn't happen in my day' bullshit, cause it did. People like this are what is making us feel that everyone is out to get us, and I don't like it. I don't normally feel this way, I'm always pretty damn casual. Sure I lock my doors and shit, but I'm not doing it because I'm paranoid, I do it cause it's smart. Now, I worry that I'll be doing it, because there is someone waiting to get me, some fucker just waiting for me to turn my back, before they stab me in it. 

Hopefully this feeling will pass, I hate it, and when I hate something I try to push it away, to move it back into that locked cage in my brain. It's just getting harder and harder to do. 

Catch yas
Cathy

Life in the Twilight Zone - Sad or is it.

As many of you know, my beautiful cat, Maddie, died this last week. I'm adjusting to turning on the tap and not hearing her bell ringing as she scrambles to get to the running water as if her life depended on it lol. Going to the toilet with only one cat, instead of 2, and not listening to her growl at Ares as he tries to usurp her place on my lap. 

I decided that I'd tell Mum today. Telling someone with Alzheimer's something, is like putting it in a sieve and shaking it, to see what will stick, or what will fall through the holes. I wanted to tell her because this is the sort of thing I'd tell Mum normally, and despite her not loving cats, I figured it might actually stick, as it related to me. 

Nope, it didn't. At first she laughed, then she realised from the look on my face that I'd actually told her something serious, so she quickly counted with a 'Oh dear'. I was no doubt expecting to much, but I persevered with the story. 

"Dale called me while I was at Caryn's, to let me know. His mate had called him and told him."

"Oh, that's sad. What are the Christmas plans? Lots of people have been moving in and out lately, going home to spend time with their family."

"It's September Mum, can you please take a minute to focus on what I'm telling you."

"Yes, it's September, I heard you, but lots of people are going home to spend Christmas with their families."

"Mum, they aren't, it's September, nowhere near Christmas."

"Oh, well I like to plan ahead."

She's been talking about Christmas since January, so yep she's planning ahead alright. 

"You can have pets here, not that I want one, but people have them."

"No, they don't Mum. Some dogs come in as respite animals, but that's it."

"Yes, that's what I meant. Are we going to yours for Christmas?"

I pressed on, and finally managed to get her attention away from fucking Christmas. We talked about her old cat Shan, and how old he was when he died, and I told her about Maddie. I know that she has already forgotten, will have forgotten before we even got to the damn car, but I feel better that I let her know. I want her to be told the shit that is happening. I want to be able to tell her how I'm feeling, and I know what I say is slipping through that damn sieve, but it helps me to tell her. It normalises everything, as much as it can be normalised lol. 

Apart from the Christmas focus, she is finding it amazing that their is a resident called Matilda. Matilda has been there since before Mum, but it's like she's just discovered her, it's not the person, it's the name. 

"That's a great Australian name, Matilda."

"Yes Mum, it's a great name."

"I wonder what she's doing for Christmas."

At that point I wanted to throw myself off the roof, but we were on the ground and throwing myself off a chair, isn't as effective lol. 

Catch yas
Cathy