Life in the Twilight Zone - Help I'm turning into my Mother

 

Maybe not, but lately I've been noticing stuff I'm doing or thinking that takes me back to Mum's house lol. 

I was looking for something appetising in the pantry and thought, oh a cup of soup would be great, putt out 5 boxes, unopened, every single one of them had expired. Chucked them all in the bin, but had a sigh of relief at the thought that they were only a year expired, not 5 like some of Mums lol. 

Ares, will get restless and open up my kitchen dresser, and drag things out that he then proceeds to push under the dresser. Little shit that he is. That means I have to get down on hands and knees to try and get them out, and I'm not as young as I used to be, getting down isn't so bad, it's getting back up that's a killer. I started going through solutions, like kids locks (actually still had a couple but got rid of them a while ago) and hit on, a basket to put in the cupboard and hold everything that he drags out. 

I started planning a trip to buy some, then stopped in my tracks. Mum had little storage baskets all over the damn place, mostly where they weren't needed, and all those that weren't sold at the garage sale, had to be donated or thrown out, depending on the condition of them. Mostly they were thrown out cause they were broken, but when she'd replaced, she didn't replace. Just kept using the broken ones, and found something else to shove into the new ones. 

Hence, am I turning into my Mother lol. At that horrifying thought a clean out ensued. I don't want anyone to have to come into my house and be as horrified as I was when faced with the crap Mum had. Pantry and fridge all clean, cupboards gone through to ensure nothing was there that I didn't actually use or need. Bin filling up lol. I then attacked my wardrobe, got rid of 3 bags of stuff I don't wear, and won't wear again. That all got donated. I don't have a lot of shoes, but I went through them as well, actually found a pair of boots that I love but had forgotten about and was even looking at buying some new ones exactly the same lol. 

As to the stuff in the dresser, I did find a container that I can use, I'm pretty sure it was one of Mums, eeekkkk, but it will work, and it means I didn't go out and buy something like she would lol. 

I realised that I make a conscience effort not to hoard like she did. I get a jar, wash it out and recycle, rubber bands, see ya, don't wear those clothes anymore, they are off to donation, anything broken, it's thrown out cause lets face it, I'm never going to fix the fucker lol. I've been watching a few episodes of hoarders, mind boggling shit, and Mum was never that bad that you had to make a path through piles and piles of crap. Everything she hoarded had a place, and nothing exploded or fell down. She didn't have mice or rats, or cockroaches, just crap, saved neatly and cleanly but crap none the less. 

Oh, the coat hangers, forgot the coat hangers lol. Every time she bought something, she bought it with a hanger, those cheap plastic crap ones. She had hundreds of hangers, probably thousands, and no clothes to go on them. So they all went as well. I never bring hangers home with clothes I buy, and I'll get rid of something old when replacing it with something new. In a way, I guess, I have her to thank for it. Mind you I have a collection of every single card I've ever gotten, going back to the cards from when I was born lol. But they are neatly boxed up and stored away, and if I miss one it's not a big deal. 

I also have a box with some memorabilia for my son from his Dad. He never got to know him, so it's a fun thing for him to have just to get a glimpse into his Dad's life. Again that is all just in a box stored away with the cards. And there's another of stuff I just like as memories, some old school books, old school tie etc. So 3 boxes of stuff, and they are small boxes, not big ones. I do have a lot of photo albums, and loose photos. They are mostly Mum's, her history, and her families history, stuff I don't want my kids or their kids to forget about. The grandkids love looking through them, cracks them up lol. The more I go on, the bigger the load of crap I have lol. I do regularly sort through it though, and chuck stuff out. I don't save shit, for shits sake, like Mum did. I mean, a rubber band jar that was her mothers? Seriously, that got chucked as soon as I started cleaning lol. 

I'm going to stop now, need to do some more clearing out, now that I've typed out all the crap I have, it needs culling lol. 

Catch yas

Cathy

Life in the Twilight Zone - Are you my mother?

 

Worst visit ever!!!!

I had to cut my visit short this week, while I think I'm strong and can handle anything life throws at me, today was just too much for me. I need time to absorb and recharge, time to get back to normal as the tough bitch I am.     

First, stupid covid, masks back on inside, and as per email received could visit in their room or in the small courtyard outside. I opted for courtyard cause, hello, outside. A couple of other visitors did the same, although the nurse tried to tell us we couldn't, we both quoted the email we'd received to say we couldn't. We social distanced, we masked up, we weren't hugging or anything. So sitting there chatting and some registrar or whatever comes out and says, as per out email, blah blah only visiting in rooms. So I said, sorry, but that's not what my emails says, and the other visitors actually had a copy of the email sent, so we sent him on his way. Lets be honest here, in the courtyard, there was 2 residents, and 3 visitors, not all sitting together, and there was room for many more even if they were social distancing. Anyway, he goes off after seeing the copy of the email, leaving us alone, but he wasn't done. Comes back with his copy and because it was sent after ours, he announces that his supersedes ours. Okay, whatever, I should have printed off my email, as it was actually dated after his, but yes sir, no sir, 3 bags full sir. 

Let me just go back to being outside, first. So we are chatting away, Mum asking where her parents are, and when is her aunt coming back to visit (all dead for years) and I filled her in, yet again on their deaths, and she was, "Oh, wish I'd gotten to go to the funerals" which led to me telling her she did lol. I then had to tell her about her cousins who'd died, one had died well before she moved into the home, the other, just after. 

"But they were so young." she exclaimed

"Yes, your generation, but they didn't live to the same age as you, 85."

"Who's 85?"

"You are Mum."

"Oh, so my Mum is 85?"

"No, you are."

"But aren't you my sister?"

And that was it, heart fucking breaking, so loud I'm sure all of Australia at least heard it. Determinedly I soldiered on. 

"No, I'm Cathy, your daughter." 

"Oh, am I going home, I miss seeing my kids?"

"Mum, sorry, but this is your home now. I'm your daughter."

It's hard to be sure, but I don't think she got it. She asked again about going home to see her kids, and again I told her this is her home. Then she moved on and started talking about how her father was building her a house.

"Dad is going to build over behind that orange building, he has a block of land there that he bought with some of the money he got for inventing the car lift thing. You know, the thing that you put cars on so you can work under them."

"Car hoist?"

"Yes, that's it, so the rest of the money he'll use to build me a house, so I can live there. How long will that take? Can I go home yet." 

I know Eddie (my grandfather) was a tinkerer and invented a few things that he never took out patents on, but pretty sure car hoist wasn't one of them. 

It was at that point in our convo that the registrar dude returned to rain on our parade. So off we went to Mum's room. 

I shouldn't be surprised when I go in there, but each time I do, it's gut wrenching. The photos that we'd taken back out of drawers, last visit, were back in them. The bathroom stuff was all sitting in a bag on her dresser, presumably so it was ready to take. 

"I've started packing, because I'm going home."

"Mum, no, you aren't going home."

"Why? I need to be with my family. Who am I married to again.?"

"You're divorced Mum, but you were married to Neville."

"Is he dead? You'd think he'd visit if he wasn't dead."

"No, Mum he's not dead."

"Well, I need to be home, I know the kids will have school and I haven't taught for a long time, but we'll work it out."

As I unpacked and put away, toothbrush and toothpaste number 5 (that's how many of each she has not a brand) I struggled. I wanted to cry, but I felt angry, I was feeling angry at her, and that is not right. She doesn't deserve my anger, I knew that I couldn't just put all the shit away, and all the photos back, and then sit down for a chat. I had to finish up and go home. 

I tidied her room, put everything back, told her that no I didn't want a stuffed animal to take home. And walked her out to the dining room where they were setting up coffee and biscuits for the residents. She tried to walk out with me, and I told her she wasn't allowed, and that she should go and sit down. Even though she protested, she had her eyes on the prize, that's coffee and biscuits to the rest of us. 

I punched in the code to get out, and ripped off the fucking mask so I could breathe. I can breathe with one on, but when you are hanging on by a thread, you need to be able to take big calming breaths, and that's not possible for me in a mask. I sat in the car and just cried, Alzheimer's is the fucking worst thing in the world. At least to me. You are fine physically, but the mind has just gone. the person still looks the same, but the person you knew is gone. And they aren't ever coming back. 

As I sat there, I realised something else, while she smiled at me, when I walked in, there was no sign of recognition. She smiled because I smiled, and headed for her, she didn't know who I was, and not once did she call me by name, despite me calling her Mum, over and over. To her I was a nice person visiting with chocolate and cake lol. The total cruelty of this disease is that next time I visit, she'll probably be completely different. She'll know who I am, at least. I know times like this will get more frequent, until this will be the day to day reality. She'll stop asking about going home, she'll forget even her Mum and Dad, she may welcome a visit, but it will be a stranger visiting. But I'll continue to visit. I did make a decision after my last visit, not to push myself into going every weekend. Yeh, yeh, terrible daughter, blah blah, shut the fuck up. I'm no good to either of us, if I push myself beyond what I can endure, so this is me, doing what I have to, so that I can be there for her, whether she knows me, or not. 

Catch yas

Cathy

Life in the Twilight Zone - Open for Business

 

It might not seem like much to some, but today was the first day I've seen Mum in about 13 mths, fuck Covid. Saying hi over the phone, isn't the same, she's been confused on phones for ages and ages, so that's never easy, and doesn't give me any idea on how she really is lol. Knowing that she is healthy, and being looked after, doesn't beat the actual contact, the hug, the smiles, the laughter. But today was the day. 

Once I found out restrictions were lifted it was, hooray, for about 5 minutes. Then the trepidation set in. She has Alzheimers, will she remember me, what if I get there and they say, no sorry, you can't see her, what if the vaccination had some sort of effect on her, what if she does remember me and yells at me for being away so long? Out of every thought that was forming in my brain and oozing out fear and anxiety, the worst one was if she didn't remember me, that thought was almost crippling. 

Anyone who has been around someone with Alzheimers knows how quickly they can forget those they love, especially if they don't see them routinely. But, I'm happy to say, that apparently she has been looking forward to me visiting again, as per comments from staff lol. 

Were there any changes? Well she is a year older, 85, now, so there is some due to age, I noticed her eyebrows are a lot whiter lol. She still has the relatively wrinkle free skin that seems to be the thing for women in her family, fingers crossed she's passed that on lol. She's more accustomed to her wheely walker. Before it was always, "Oh, I have to have that, they make me." almost complaining about it. Now she just got it and used it, no comments, although she is slower with it than she was. But again, she's older, and she isn't getting out and about walking. 

She didn't have makeup on, now that to anyone who knows her was a bit of a shock, but I have to say, I liked it. I'm not a makeup wearer, at least not without bitching about it, hate the stuff, but Mum wouldn't go to the shops without it, and insisted on wearing it everyday since she's been in the home. Not having the access to me with the restrictions in place may have helped relax her makeup addiction, I wasn't buying any for her lol. She still has some, not a lot, left, but to me, the fact she didn't have any on, indicates she's relaxed enough there, not to have to wear it. It's going to save her a lot of money too.

I bought a few basic items for her, toothpaste, deodorant etc, so we ventured into her room to put them away. Also, Tara hadn't seen her room, so she wanted to take a look. Had anything changed, nope. She still had a million and one stuffed animals, no freaking idea why she buys them, cluttering up the top of her chest of drawers. All her photos had been packed away, she still seems to think she's only there for a visit, and random items were in drawers and other things. She told me she needed toothpaste, she had 2 tubes along with 2 toothbrushes in her jewellery box. Since I had bought toothpaste, she now has 3 tubes, all in the bathroom now, but they could be anywhere when I visit next time. 

She has limited hanging space, so I always fold jumpers, and track pants, and they go in the drawers she has, all labelled. Most of the drawers were empty, so she has them all hanging up again lol. Still no sign of the TV remote, but she didn't tell me someone had stolen it this time, so I'll have to get a universal remote for her. Not that she's in her room much anyway, but I'd like her to be able to turn it on for the noise when she's in her room. 

She still seems to think that her Mum and Dad are still alive, and today talked about her Aunty Glad and her family that have apparently been staying in different sections of the Nursing Home. They are obviously there for a break, because she did say they didn't stay long lol. She also mentioned her surprise when they arrived, marching hand in hand in height order, and she laughed at how delightful it was. The whole thing sounded scripted to me, and bugged me until I remembered later that she was reliving a scene from The Sound Of Music lol. There was also a little boy that kept asking her if she was his mother, and she said she laughed at him, and told him that she'd help him find her. Pretty sure that's from her head, cause no little kid would think this old lady was their mother lol. 

But all in all, she's the same. Her memory is worse, but that's expected, she did know us, so that was a plus, and she mentioned the kids, and how she'd love to see them. Tara will organise for her kids to see her, and next family thing we do, we can pick Mum up and she can come along. I have to say how grateful I am that Tara was able to come with me, she'd obviously picked up on how nervous I was. But now I've done the first face to face, was able to give her a hug without her screaming at me like a stranger, I'll be able to continue the visits. 

I'm not sure if I will go weekly or fortnightly, I say that, because I've realised how much the weekly visits effect my mental health, and that isn't good for me or her. But at the same time, if I don't go weekly, I'll probably feel guilty lol. So I'm going to play it by ear, I can either see her or not, simple. 

Catch yas

Cathy

PS, I did take one of the photos with me, it's a photo of Caryn and her ex hehehe. Will have to find a new one to put in the beautiful frame. 

It's a Conspiracy

 

'It's a Conspiracy' words that have been thrown around in my family for years, as a joke or a lame attempt at an excuse for non acceptable behaviour. Now it seems that everybody says it, if they don't like what they are hearing, it must be a conspiracy. 

Pretty much everything in the anti vax movement is a conspiracy, at least according to them. Big Pharma and Government cover ups, a friends aunts cousins workmate said it happened so it must be true. People have forgotten how to read the lie, how to recognise the absurdity of it all. Thanks to the internet, people have disconnected from the real world, and believe anything they see on line. Not realising that anyone can post anything on line, whatever they damn well want, and that doesn't make it true. 

I've seen people on line defend their stance, they are totally locked in, it doesn't matter how much proof of the lie, you throw at them, they still hang on to the belief that they are right. Most people will be open to learn, if I'm wrong about something, and I'm proved wrong, I will take notice and change my thinking. But what sets them apart from me. Is it because I didn't grow up with the internet? Is it because I don't look for any reason to blame someone other than myself? Is it that I see the truth, but that fucks with my whole way of life and to change is to destroy myself? 

I'm no psychiatrist, or psychologist, just a person, like anyone (well maybe not, I am awesome lol), but why am I less susceptible? It can't be because of what I've gone through in my life, I know people who have been through the same, surely there are people who have been through similar who are susceptible. Could it have something to do with my up bringing, as I said, no internet back then. We were taught that TV was for entertainment purposes only, music is a form of expression and to be enjoyed as it is, if we want to learn about something, read about it, research it, talk to people about their experiences, learn from others. We were also taught not to believe everything you heard. Remember 'Chinese Whispers'? I loved that game, I loved how you would tell someone something, they'd pass it on to someone else, etc, and at the end the original whisper was something completely different. It showed me how easy it is to hear false information that got even worse with each retelling. 

Of course not all conspiracies have anything to do with vaccinations. What makes people fall for a conman? Why is it that some youtube video made by some random person seems more real than actual proof? There is no doubt, a lot of reasons, and they have probably been discussed by smarter people than me lol, for people to fall into the rabbit hole that sends a logical person, like me, crazy. I always figure that if some alleged expert (that no one has ever heard of) is telling me that something is good for me, or I should buy their cure, that's a sure sign, they are full of shit lol. 

Buying the cure, that is another one that gets to me, why do so many people believe that some ordinary person, has discovered the cure for cancer, and it's only Big Pharma and the corrupt Government that is stopping it from being released to the general public. But hey come to my website and I'll sell it to you for $20 + shipping and handling. 

Let's look at the cases of outing a witch. How anyone could believe that someone who was supposedly so powerful, they destroyed crops and created diseases, and yet couldn't save themselves from execution, has always made me roll my eyes. I mean, seriously, I've got all that power, but hey go ahead tie me to the stake and burn me alive, cause I'll just let you go ahead and do that, instead of escaping lol. I guess back then, it was easier to believe the bullshit, I mean, education was only for the rich, science was nothing like it is today, and of course Doctors were still using leeches to cure everything. I can imagine the convo in the little village as the Doctor walked past, 

'Oooo Betsy, there's that so called medicine man.'

'Oh Edie, I heard that he stuck some leeches on poor Maeve. She hasn't been the same since.'

'No doubt he charged her a fortune for making her sicker, I'll never trust him.'

'Her poor husband had to pay 2 chickens, a goat, and a sack of potatoes, and all for some leeches that have sucked out her soul. She lounges around all day, reading, not looking after her husband. It's a crime.' 😂

I love the flat earth conspiracy, just the whole idea of it, is so utterly ridiculous I can spend hours laughing over flat earth pages on line. Some conspiracy theories are better entertainment than Netflix lol. But at the end of the day, it is still just a theory, it's not proven so is therefore not fact, and we might just as well be watching a show on Netflix. I don't mind a good alien conspiracy theory as well, it has to be good though, a bit of actual fact thrown in lol.

Oh and I can't forget how the government is trying to control us by putting chips into vaccines. Okay, that's not happening people, get that into your head. But here's a thought for you, why would you go online at all, whether it be on a phone, pc or tablet if you believed the government was trying to control you? All your info is in your devices, no one needs to chip you 😂

Something I did as a toddler was believe my older brother when he said eating a snail was good, he lied lol. But in some weird way he taught me a lesson, don't eat fucking garden snails lol. If anyone tries to convince you that eating raw garden sails is good for you, I give you this information for free, they are lying, and probably lie about other things as well lol. And it is those people who start the conspiracy theories. That person you just paid $20 + postage and handling, they are laughing at you. They know they are selling you a lie, they don't care. They turn up on the internet, searching for desperate people. They have others who laugh at you, posting reviews about their miracle cure and how Big Pharma knows about the treatment that has cured them. They laugh, and lie, because you let them. 

I get that believing in a conspiracy theory is easier sometimes, than facing facts, facing reality. It won't change anything though, you might have convinced yourself that you are right and on the right path, but in reality, you aren't, and until you realise that, you will continue on your way believing a load of bullshit. It might not even be a conspiracy theory that you believe in, but it's still a lie. Believing the bullshit, is much easier than reality, I know. I wish that I could believe the bullshit myself at times, it would sure as hell make life easier. 

Of course if you believe in the Australia doesn't exist conspiracy theory, you won't have read any of this, as I don't exist 😂

Catch yas

Cathy

 

I don't wanna

 

I've been heading for a downward spiral lately, having suffered from depression for years, you recognise the signs. I've come to the conclusion, that I just don't want to adult anymore lol. I want someone else to step in, and take control. Someone to make all decisions involving money, Mum and well, my life. 

Tell me when to go to bed, I'll probably kick and scream about it, but make me. Tell me what time to wake up, I won't be nice when I do wake up, but tell me anyway. Make me sit down to eat a proper meal, toast or coco pops for dinner is probably not adulting. You pay all the bills, you stress over all the small and large decisions about Mum, you take it over and let me be. Let me go outside and run under the sprinkler, let me leave dirty clothes lying around, let me do absolutely nothing while you handle it all. 

Sunday was my day off, the spiral hit, sitting in my chair watching some ridiculous show on TV and bam, started crying. I wasn't crying for any reason, wasn't watching cute kittens and puppies, or even babies, or the big one for me, some funeral ad. Just started for no reason, and the only thing I wanted to do was curl up and just bawl. Then I thought, where the hell are the damn adults to help me out when I need them. Why do I have to be the adult? I don't wanna........

I want to wake up in the morning, knowing the biggest decision I have to make for the day, is should I brush my hair? I just want to put on the kettle, feed the cat and enjoy my damn coffee. I don't want those thoughts pushing their way into my head, you need to pay this bill, don't forget to make that shopping list, the car needs petrol, get that form done for Mum, balance yours and her budget, am I doing enough, could I do more? All those fucking things that dance around my head all fucking day and night. Am I good enough? Should I really be an adult? Who the fuck put me in charge? Actually the 'Who the fuck put me in charge?' should be in caps, cause whoever they were had no fucking idea what they were doing, lol. 

As a kid, you fight against the rules, can't wait to be an adult so you can do your own thing, you will be in control. Now I'm 61, I want someone else to do it all. I'm just so tired of it. I would probably end up rebelling as I did as a teen, can't drive to the shops? Just you watch, I'll show you!!! lol. Can't stay up late?, who's going to stop me!!!! lol. It could be just because I'm the sole adult, well the sole person in this house, so it all falls on me. I get overwhelmed, and is that a surprise? No it's not. Being overwhelmed is not a new thing, it's just something that, when I'm spiralling comes to the front, standing proud and at attention. I try not to let it show, and I know I'm good with a laugh and a sarcastic comment at pretty much everything, but the dark side is always there, waiting to leap out, and well, overwhelm me. 

I don't know about you, but I've spent a lot of my adult life feeling guilty. Not because I've committed a crime, but things like, did I do enough for the kids, did they have enough growing up with a mother who couldn't give them everything all their friends had. Did I really help them become the great adults that they are? I married twice, first husband mentally abused me for years, told me I wasn't good enough, drank because that's what he wanted, but why didn't he want to come home to me and the girls, did I fail? Second husband was my soulmate, but when he died, the guilt overwhelmed me for having my girls go through the loss of 2 fathers, and after an argument with my son, why didn't I put myself back out there and find another father for them. Obviously, I didn't want to put myself out there again, fuck that after 2 marriages, but they all grew up without a father, so did I do everything I could for them? 

Then there's Mum. I feel guilty that she wasn't able to stay at home longer, I should have quit my job and been a full time carer for her. Why was I selfish? But was I really selfish? I mean she's happy, and well cared for, so why would I feel guilty? Cause I do, plan and simple. I'm overwhelmed with guilt, and that's because, yep, I'm a fucking adult. If I was a kid, I wouldn't have to make these decisions, so again, I don't wanna....

So there it is folks, I don't wanna.....unless someone tells me to do something I don't wanna do, then I pull out the but I'm an adult card lol. 

Catch yas

Cathy

Life in the Twilight Zone - And the hits keep coming

 I was going through Mum's statements from the Nursing Home, and noticed they'd taken out almost double the usual amount, so emailed them to find out why. It turns out that not only does she have to pay the standard $52 odd dollars for her daily care fees, but she also has to pay another fee called The Means Tested Aged Care Fee. Now it is only $12.52 per day, but that's another hit to her very limited budget.

Why are they charging her this, you may be asking (you might not be asking, but you're reading my blog, so shut up while I tell you lol), all pensioners need to have their assets tested to see if they are getting paid the correct pension, and apparently so the government can screw them over for more money. 

Mum has worked hard her whole life, paying taxes, and paying off her own home, and is now being punished for it. We had to make the hard decision to put her in the home, when advised by the hospital that they wouldn't let her back home, without 24/7 care, and the home was the safest and best option for her. It is a wonderful place, they take really good care of her, and I have no complaints with them, even if they are a bunch of damn Catho's (blame my brother for that one hehehe). We had to sell her house, to pay for the refundable bond that paid for her private room and ensuite, and she is charged from her pension for her daily care. None of that was unexpected, and we were happy with it. 

Like every other pensioner, she was means tested, and they looked at all her assets. When she owned her home, that was not taken into consideration, but now she has no home of her own, they have hit her up for this fee because of the refundable bond. What pisses me off, is that this bond may be refundable, but it doesn't earn interest and as she is in the home for life, she won't ever see it again. As her heirs, my brothers and I will benefit from it, but not Mum. So, in effect, to me she is being punished for being old and unable to care for herself, like the old venerable blot on society. 

I admit to being short with the poor girl who took my call from DHS, as a call centre operator I'm usually much more polite, because I understand they are just doing their job. But this made me so angry that I was rude, and I don't regret it lol. She directed me to a form to download and complete to plead hardship. Reading up on it, I can't see how it would help as it seems to only be for a year, but I'll try. The form is fucking long, and not easy to follow, I have to provide receipts and statements, so it won't be easy, but I will do it. I'm not doing it for me, but for Mum. 

So, in short, the government is screwing over yet another old lady, and don't give a shit. I've sent an email to the Federal Aged Care Minister, expecting it to be read by a minion and then ignored, but I felt better for it at least. Any other Aussies out there who read my blog, feel free to email as well. Minister.Colbeck@health.gov.au on behalf of all Aussie pensioners who may find themselves in the same boat as my Mum. 

Catch yas

Cathy

Life in the Twilight Zone - Damn Rona

Firstly I just want to explain Rona, in case you are wondering that is. Rona stands for Corona Virus or Covid-19, shortened to Rona, cause I'm Aussie lol. Secondly, shout out to my cousin Robyn, I won't go into details, but she messaged me today, and it reminded me that I hadn't written for quite some time, and as it helps me feel better when I write, here goes. Fair warning, this probably won't contain as much humour as usual, in my 'Life in the Twilight Zone' missives, although it's rather presumptuous of me to think anyone actually laughs at my musings lol. 

We've all been living in isolation, socially distancing ourselves, some of us have been wearing face masks, and we've all been busy washing our hands (although one would like to think we do that normally anyway). There's been ads on TV about how to act and what we can do, one that comes to mind is a shot of a grandparent sitting in a chair outside a window reading to grandkids who are all sitting inside. Or people face timing family and friends, even just talking on the phone makes an appearance. But what we don't see is what do we do if it's not possible to sit outside a window, face time or call. Just to be clear, it's not impossible to face time or call, but I'll explain what I mean and why I added them. 

I work from home, which I'm sure I've said before, so am used to isolation. I like it, I hate when I have to go to the office, sitting on a couple of crowded trains for 2 hours each way, is not my idea of a fun time, and the city is dirty and loud. I can live without it, easily. In a normal week, I would go out twice, once to shop and once to visit Mum. Of course, there are times when I'm out more, visiting family or friends, but normally it's just the twice. Now it's once a week and I'm getting antsy. 

Mums nursing home has been in lock down for over a month. A staff member who worked there, tested positive for Rona, they say she wasn't working while sick, but just because she didn't feel sick, doesn't mean she wasn't. So into lock down they go, totally understandable and glad they did. They followed the guidelines from the Health Department, and ran tests on all. Luckily all tests have shown negative results. They've sent texts each day to ensure we know all is fine. And I love that, they are a great group of people and I'm so confident that they will do everything they can to keep all the residents safe. They've looked after Mum so well, since she's been there. 

Because Mum has Alzheimers she really has no idea what's going on, what day it is, and when she last saw anyone lol. So she would just be coasting along, in her own little world. I was told that I could face time her, or call anytime, which is great, but......... Even before Mum was diagnosed she was technologically challenged lol. She had bought herself a computer, and would call me to find out why it wouldn't turn on, she wouldn't have clicked the power button, or had unplugged from the wall. She'd forget her password constantly, and lose the paper it was written on lol. She had a pretty good flip phone, but decided she wanted a new one that had larger buttons. Okay, it's easier with the larger buttons. But, she'd have the phone in her bag, and bump it or something, and bam, she'd be calling me, with no idea she had actually made a call. It had a lock on it, to stop that from happening, but she never remembered how to do it (it was a switch, up or down, on the side, easy as lol). She had trouble operating remote controls too, and know this, all of this was way before her diagnosis, it was just her. Not everyone has to get it, so that's okay. 

I've called Mum at the home before, or she's had them call me, it doesn't go well. She will ask me when I'm coming to get her, or when is her Mum and Dad coming. It's like she thinks she doesn't live there, has just been there for a holiday or as if she's been in hospital. And of course her Mum and Dad have been dead for years so they aren't ever going to come lol. She always ends up in tears, or starts the conversation in tears, and is unsettled for days after wards, which doesn't do her any good. There's been times she's been so unsettled she has needed medication to calm her down and I don't want her to be constantly medicated. I figured since I was off work I could give face time a try, I wasn't overly confident but determined. To do this, I had to make an appointment, and she was sitting with a staff member in control of the tablet. It was great to see her, but so frustrating. She didn't get it, kept trying to touch the tablet, which of course might have hung up or minimised or something lol. She also didn't understand why I didn't just pop up for a visit rather than talking to her like this, 'was I sick?' lol. 

I got a text from the home today, they are going to Tier 3, which is you can visit, but have to make an appointment and it has to be office hours Mon - Fri. On top of that, you have to have proof that you've had a flu shot, and they do a temp check (temp check is fine). I haven't had a flu shot, ever, so not sure I want to have one. When they get to Tier 4 it will all be back to normal, I can visit whenever and no checks. I'm not complaining, I want them to ease into it, I want Mum and the others to be safe, it's just frustrating. 

Regardless of how often I tell myself she is fine, they'd tell me if there was a problem, it doesn't ease the worry, the anxiety and the guilt. Sure I shouldn't feel guilty, nothing I can do about Rona, I didn't have anything to do with it's spread. I don't need to worry or feel anxious as I know she's fine, but that doesn't stop me from doing either lol. Mum having Alzheimers has basically taken a grown, independent, capable and intelligent woman, and stripped her down to the basics. I know that despite my worrying, when it's all over and we can resume life after Rona, she probably won't even realise it's been ages since I've seen her, I could tell her I saw her the previous week, and she'd believe me lol. 

Life hasn't been the same for us, since Mum was diagnosed, It's been a roller coaster ride, and this is just another part of it. As the saying goes 'it is what it is'. There is nothing that can be done about it, life will go on and we will get back to normal, or as normal as our lives are. The best thing about the Alzheimers at the moment is the fact that Mum has no clue, I won't have to worry about trying to explain it to her, because she'll forget it in no time. The worst thing is that she forgets stuff all the time, will this go on so long that she'll forget me? 

Catch yas
Cathy