Life in the Twilight Zone - The End

 

Bev Fathers 3/4/1936 - 26/5/2024

I haven't wanted to do my blog, because it means it really is the end. Sure, it is, but it's almost like I'm letting her go, but she will be a part of all of us who knew her, until we die. 

On one hand, it has been such a relief to know that she is no longer just the shell of the human she used to be, who we called Mum, on the other, this is the woman who raised us, who was always there and now, seemingly with a snap of the fingers, she's not. 

I got a call from the home at about 3am on the morning of the 26th, if I wanted a chance to say goodbye I should go now. I had actually taken something to help me sleep, so I probably shouldn't have driven, but this was something that I had to do. One final chance to let her go. 

One tepid cup of horrible coffee, one stale piece of cake, and a couple of biscuits later, I was left alone with Mum. The mattress she was on, is some special mattress, that makes the worst noises in the world, while she moved. She didn't move much of course, but as the medications wore off, she would grow more agitated, and her legs would move up and down the mattress, as if she was having a bad dream. I never want to hear the sound again. 

I stayed with her for a few hours, looking around the room, and locking in the memories, but they aren't the memories I want. I want to only have the memories of joking with her, listening to her sarcasm, or her passion as she spoke about her patchwork. I'd even happily take her shopping, just one more time, following along in her wake as she loaded her trolley, with nothing she needed, and I unloaded it, while she wasn't looking, and put in what she actually did need. I'd listen to her constantly asking when one of the grandkids was going to have a baby, or get married, she already had 9 great grandkids, there was no need to be greedy lol. 

But, all of that is just what I want. Honestly, the peace she is now in, is better than what I want for her. When she started forgetting who I was, and then that she'd even ever had children, and was retreating into her childhood, we began to mourn her. She lived like that for a few years, and we knew that all we could do, was protect the memories for her. Alzheimer's just sucks the life out of you, slowly. It's not painful, like cancer, but there is no way back from that initial diagnosis. 

One thing I ask all of you to be sure you do, is to have an end of life plan. Mum avoided that, we made sure she had a will, and it was done, while she was still competent, but apart from her comment 'just burn me and dump me on the side of the road' she didn't want to talk about it. I had garnered from comments she had made, that she didn't want a funeral, she didn't want a fuss, once she was gone, she was gone, she didn't need the rest of it. So that's exactly what we gave her. She was in no way religious, and said all of the fuss was just a waste of money. 

The nursing home gave us 24 hours to have her picked up, we had no idea that that is what they would want, maybe I should have paid more attention to all the docs I signed, so please people, do that. Go over them with a fine tooth comb. We just presumed they had a morgue, but they didn't. Luckily, the ad that I'd seen, on TV and all the ads online, told me about BARE. They looked after Mum, and us, and we will be forever grateful. 

I had to call the home to find out about clearing out Mums room, they didn't advise us of that, and if I hadn't called, all of her photos would have just been dumped somewhere. She had nothing of value, it was just her photos and clothes. I was advised when I called that they wanted her room cleaned out within 5 days. We were shocked to find that most of the clothes she had, and the shoes, had to be thrown out, and didn't realise that the home wasn't doing that (at least with her shoes) when they wore out. So much stuff, all thrown out, but much was donated. 

I do have to say that the staff who cared for Mum were wonderful, all the rules are set by admin, so I have nothing but praise for her carers, and disdain for the admin who were incredibly uncaring and presumed that we didn't need to be told anything. 

Anyway, getting off of that subject because it just makes me mad all over again. 

We had a lovely service, with mostly family for her. At her age, and the fact that we had it on a week day, meant that there was never going to be a crowd. BARE had organised a slide show with the photos we chose, which was wonderful. We got way to much food, but I like to think she would have liked how small it was, and that she was happy with the way we said goodbye. If not, it's too late now Mum lol. 

I have photos around the house, and find myself talking to them, my older brother, is definitely being haunted by her, but he was always the favourite, so only has himself to blame lol. As per her will, her car (which she hasn't driven for years) was passed onto me, and I am now an official car owner, which is great, but is costing a lot lol. 

Anyway, that's pretty much it from me. Just wanted to pass on, that she had passed on, really, get some shit out of my head as I always do, by writing it down. 

Catch yas

Cathy 

Spiraling.

 

It's been a long, long time between blogs. But right now, this one is just cause I have to get it out of me. I'm hoping that doing this will get me back on track, mentally. 

It's like I'm finally admitting something so that I can move on, and it usually works, so here goes. 

The wonderful and oh so exciting downward spiral of mental health. Not sure why or how it creeps up on me, but it does, every fucking time. You would think that after years of this crap, I'd be better at recognising the signs lol. Not me. No wait, let me clarify, I do recognise the signs, but the signs aren't always there, and this time, they hid away from me, then pounced. Fuckers. 

Would be lovely to have an alarm going off in my head, 'Warning! Warning! Cathy you're spiraling!' Mental health, the gift that keeps on giving. 

I know that I'm not just talking about me, so many others I know go through the same, or similar, and get it, writing it out (who the fuck writes these days lol) helps me. Probably doesn't help everyone, but I do this for me, and maybe someone who is reading this will realise they aren't alone. 

Getting through a day at a time, takes effort. I make sure to keep it suppressed and only show the fun and seriously stupid side of myself. Probably not healthy, should probably see someone about that, but it works for me for the most part. Oh, and please don't think that I'm in some deep dark hole ready to end it all, cause I'm not, not ever. 

This is a process for me, it works, for me, and I will drag myself kicking and screaming from the pit, as I do. Do not take what I do and try it on yourself, this is not a how to guide, do not be Cathy. Find out what works for you, be it therapy, meds, or talking to someone you know. For me meds, will only get me to a certain point, so unless I am really, really bad, I don't take them. If I'm not bleeding or have a limb that's swinging in the breeze, I won't waste my doctors time. He's nice, just not what I personally need. That's not a mental health thing, that's a me thing, I don't go to a doctor if I'm feeling sick, I have to be at deaths door lol. 

I've taken meds over the years, they work for maybe 4 days, then stop. That's not mental health meds, that's most meds. When Don died, my doctor gave me something to help me sleep, worked incredibly well for 2 nights, then nothing. That's just me, I'm special lol. 

Last night, I actually slept almost the entire night for 7 hours, which is not my norm. I'm lucky to get 5 solid hrs, and it works for me. Just can't stay in bed and try to force more sleep, so I don't. My sleep pattern is not an issue, I'm used to it, and still work daily and work well. Sure I whine about it, but isn't that what people do? Am I whining cause I want to fit in? Maybe. Well, not fit in, but maybe show others that I'm not fucking mental lol. 

Anyway, downward spiral, blah blah, where was I, before my brain interrupted. 

Work has been tough, not because we have been super busy, but because of new things happening, and trying to get everyone up and running and trained, has made things tense lol. I'm not going to go into details, but people I work with, know what I'm talking about. 

Don't get me wrong, I love the tough, I love the tension, the stress, because I love searching for solutions, or looking for ways to make it easy to learn. I mean, we all know we sit in a training session, and it's mostly blah blah blah lol. I take notes, and break it down for me, translations as it were. I like black and white, Step 1, Step 2, Step 3 etc. I don't need all the stuff in the middle, and this works for me, but not for everyone, I get that. I'm also feeling excited, this is all new, and I love the tech and new stuff. I may be a boomer, but I'm not a sit on my arse and whine about kids these days, and all that tech that is rotting their brains, boomer. I'm a fuck, I love this shit, boomer lol. 

So, I have to pull myself out of this spiral, so I can get more enjoyment out of it. And I fucking will. 

I've just let everything shit creep in, and no one needs that. So here I am, typing away furiously and getting that shit out, I can almost feel it flowing out of the tips of my fingers as I type. No, I'm not crazy, this is just me lol. I'm surprised my keyboard isn't on fire lol. Before I had a pc, it was writing the shit out, getting it out of my head, like deep breathing. Hold it in, breathe it out, and while that works for me, not the deep breathing, but the words, then that's what I do. Deep breathing just reminds me of being in labor, or trying to get up those damn stairs lol. 

At work I let myself go, I'm sarcastic, funny and happy to be there. Yep, I know, how the fuck do I do that? It's because it's work, that's one world, then there's me in another world, post work. Sitting on my arse, in a daze, trying to figure out financial shit. Feeling the guilt of a child with a parent in care, feeling like a failure as a parent cause I don't have shit to give my adult kids or grandkids. 

Yeah, yeah, shut up I can hear you. I'll be back, don't worry, just have to get it the fuck out of me. We all do it, and you'd be lying if you said you didn't. It's just that sometimes, some of us, can't get it out and move on, all the fucking time. Some of us, just need that bit of an extra push, and this is me getting it out. Last night, I knew this was what I needed, but was way to exhausted to do it right. 

One thing I used to do, well I still do it, just not as much, but when I started the spiral, I would just get in the car and drive. Now, not so much, cause there are fuckers out there driving as well, too fucking many of them. The places I could drive to, to just breathe, are now filled with tourists, making noise. The peace is just not there. I don't want the tourists to go home lol, I'm not mean (well maybe I am) but I miss the peace. I miss the fact that no one but locals knew about the hidden gems. Maybe I just miss the fact that as a teen, we ruled our haven. We were far enough away from the city, that it made it harder for tourists to get here, and most didn't bother. For fucks sake, dudes we met in the city, thought we lived in the country and rode horses to get around lol. 

Getting back to work, just to add something. Work is my escape, 'say what' you are screaming lol, but it's true. As I said, I have fun, I'm a different person, I'm doing something that I really enjoy, and I get to vent to a bunch of other crazies and make them laugh. I hope that being me, helps my co workers out in some way, if it doesn't, oops, sorry/not sorry lol. 

And snap, back to reality lol. 

Anyway, I guess that's it. I already feel better, I've typed, I've cried, I've let it out. First step done. Second step is to do what I should be doing on a day off. Absolutely fucking nothing lol. And I mean it, weekends for me, aren't about the housework or anything else, it's time to do what I want to do. Even if that's sitting in front of the TV watching some mindless crap that gets me out of my head, then that's it. I can do housework during the week, weekends are meant to be a time to relax, so damn it, that's what I'll fucking do. 

Might go sit in the sun, and look at my yard, thinking to myself, that needs cutting, those weeds need pulling, but I'm not doing any of it lol. So I'll then laugh to myself thinking of my neighbours who take great care of their yards, and have chores for their kids every weekend. Yeh yeh, I know that some people only have weekends to do that shit, but this is about me, so piss off lol. 

Thanks for reading, thanks for not rolling your eyes, too hard while Cathy lets it out. 

Catchyas 

Cathy